I'm leaving in about 10 days. Well, make that 9 days, this day is pretty much over.
I tend to go back and forth between feeling scared shitless about leaving to wishing I could leave right now. It pretty much depends on how my parents treat me; whether or not they order me around versus letting me do whatever I want. So far I've been doing whatever I want, so it makes me wonder why I should leave because I've been having a pretty good time here.
But no matter what, I'm going. It's been about... one month? A little more? since I've decided to travel down to Guatemala. It's insane how fast one can make decisions and put dreams into actions when one puts their mind to it.
Actually, it's beautiful.
I've been feeling fairly rebellious lately. My folks have been lecturing me a bit on my drinking; my dad says that I need to learn how to limit myself once I start because if I can't do that, then that's the first signs of alcoholism. Maybe I should be more worried about it, but I'm not. You only live once, I'm sure I'll grow out of drinking and get sick of it; I'd probably find something else to keep me occupied and such once I leave. Well, actually, I was a bit worried about it; I guess it's kind of like how I feel about leaving- sometimes I worry about it, but sometimes I don't give a damn. I think it's related to how my parents treat me again. For example, tonight I was supposed to go out drinking with my brother and two of my friends, but my brother ditched and I wasn't feeling like going out anymore. That feeling changed once my parents (more my dad) voiced something about me staying home because I'll be drinking tomorrow night with another friend and then again the next night (New Years) in the city at a pub, and drinking three nights in a row probably wouldn't be good for me. Now I'm hoping that my two friends still want to drink tonight, just because my dad doesn't really want me to. Talk about rebellious teen angst.
My sister bought the movie Girl, Interrupted the other day and I really liked it. I thought it was a beautiful movie. Angelina Jolie's role as Lisa Rowe was amazing and Winona Ryder's role as Susanna Kaysen was really good too.
For some reason, I wanted to be like one of those girls. I'm not too sure why.. I just wanted to relate to someone, maybe Lisa. I liked her attitude. Don't ask me why, who would want to be in pain like some of those girls and live in a mental hospital?
Still waiting on those friends.. still wanting to go out tonight!
Rachel
29.12.09
17.12.09
Realization smacks us in the face.
This is going to be another sad, emo blog. I apologize in advance if it makes you roll your eyes or something.
But I'm going to see if I can write this without giving away anything. Well, without giving away a lot. If it doesn't make sense to you, I don't really care.
This is a vent blog.
And I'm about to explode.
I realized it yesterday morning. I was talking to my sister on Skype when it suddenly hit me, so I said I had to go. I didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything, I just felt like someone had smacked me in the face and I wanted to shut down- I turned off the laptop, turned off my phone, and just.. well, sat there. I didn't know what to do. After a while, I wrote in my journal, sat in a daze, zoned in and out of thought. My phone is still turned off, I only turned on my laptop to blog because I want to actually feel like I'm telling someone something. My journal sits only for me to read, but this blog can be accessed by anyone. Anyone can read this.
My moods have varied these past two days; I had an amazing time at my friend's 18th birthday. It was an absolute blast! I danced and drank a lot and I didn't feel too bad the next day. But the realization came that morning, so I blamed my depressed mood on a hangover. Like I said before, I turned off my phone and it's been off ever since. I told a friend that I threw up because I didn't want to hang out, even though I was physically feeling alright. But now, every time I eat, I feel like throwing it up afterward. My motivation to do anything has left me. I swear in front of my parents because, frankly, I don't care anymore. I sit around and stare into nothing, knowing full well that my dad is watching and growing worried and probably thinking I'm going into another depression. At this point, I don't really care; bring it.
I feel like crying my eyes out, but the tears won't run. It amazes me how something that affects you emotionally can feel like it's affecting you physically as well. It feels like something has deflated and is sitting heavy in my chest. Right now, breathing is slow, as if I'm sleeping. I feel tired in the day and evening and nap, but come night time, sleep doesn't follow. My mind is constantly running. Thoughts zoom around, flying behind my open eyes. I lay in bed, not wanting to stay in bed, but don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do. I feel like I can't escape and I have to wait out a storm of all these thoughts and memories. Eventually it'll pass and I'll drift into a sleep of sorts, but somehow I figure I will wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all.
My head hurts.
All this makes me feel weak and pathetic.
My parents try to be angry at me for my lack of respect or will to do what they ask but then they apologize for being angry with me and yelling. I can tell they are unsure of what to do and how to deal with me. My sister watches me, I know she understands how/why I do what I do more than my parents. I know she doesn't like it at times, but she still understands, I'm sure. Maybe she doesn't understand why, completely, but she understands what I'm doing.
I'm tired. Maybe sleep will come and bless me and my tired mind.
Maybe.
Sorry, again, for such a somber, mellow, depressing post.
It felt good to write it, though.
Rachel
But I'm going to see if I can write this without giving away anything. Well, without giving away a lot. If it doesn't make sense to you, I don't really care.
This is a vent blog.
And I'm about to explode.
I realized it yesterday morning. I was talking to my sister on Skype when it suddenly hit me, so I said I had to go. I didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything, I just felt like someone had smacked me in the face and I wanted to shut down- I turned off the laptop, turned off my phone, and just.. well, sat there. I didn't know what to do. After a while, I wrote in my journal, sat in a daze, zoned in and out of thought. My phone is still turned off, I only turned on my laptop to blog because I want to actually feel like I'm telling someone something. My journal sits only for me to read, but this blog can be accessed by anyone. Anyone can read this.
My moods have varied these past two days; I had an amazing time at my friend's 18th birthday. It was an absolute blast! I danced and drank a lot and I didn't feel too bad the next day. But the realization came that morning, so I blamed my depressed mood on a hangover. Like I said before, I turned off my phone and it's been off ever since. I told a friend that I threw up because I didn't want to hang out, even though I was physically feeling alright. But now, every time I eat, I feel like throwing it up afterward. My motivation to do anything has left me. I swear in front of my parents because, frankly, I don't care anymore. I sit around and stare into nothing, knowing full well that my dad is watching and growing worried and probably thinking I'm going into another depression. At this point, I don't really care; bring it.
I feel like crying my eyes out, but the tears won't run. It amazes me how something that affects you emotionally can feel like it's affecting you physically as well. It feels like something has deflated and is sitting heavy in my chest. Right now, breathing is slow, as if I'm sleeping. I feel tired in the day and evening and nap, but come night time, sleep doesn't follow. My mind is constantly running. Thoughts zoom around, flying behind my open eyes. I lay in bed, not wanting to stay in bed, but don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do. I feel like I can't escape and I have to wait out a storm of all these thoughts and memories. Eventually it'll pass and I'll drift into a sleep of sorts, but somehow I figure I will wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all.
My head hurts.
All this makes me feel weak and pathetic.
My parents try to be angry at me for my lack of respect or will to do what they ask but then they apologize for being angry with me and yelling. I can tell they are unsure of what to do and how to deal with me. My sister watches me, I know she understands how/why I do what I do more than my parents. I know she doesn't like it at times, but she still understands, I'm sure. Maybe she doesn't understand why, completely, but she understands what I'm doing.
I'm tired. Maybe sleep will come and bless me and my tired mind.
Maybe.
Sorry, again, for such a somber, mellow, depressing post.
It felt good to write it, though.
Rachel
13.12.09
To be young and ignorant.
I'm starting to get tired of waiting around. Some days are worse than others, but mostly I feel useless. Yes, useless is a good word to describe how I'm feeling these days. Useless and.. ignorant. I choose to ignore things that I don't want to hear or pay attention to.
Honestly, I'm am really excited to go to Guatemala. Extremely, it's something I've wanted to do for such a long time; travel somewhere new and live life without any obligations to anybody.
There's a part of me, though, that feels so damn lost and asks why I'm going. What am I going to accomplish if I go to Guatemala? What would I accomplish if I stayed here and didn't go? It's going to be a life-changing experience, I'm sure, but feels a little irresponsible as well.
I'm hoping things will just fall into place and everything will be fine.
Maybe these are pre-travel nerves.
Or maybe it's PMS.
Or maybe I'm just hungover and feeling like crap and my crappy mood is affecting my thoughts about my travel plans.
Who knows.
Things that still need to be done.. well, I have to get my credit card. Then I need to get my money out of a trust fund. Then I need to buy my plane ticket. Then I need to pack/make sure I have/buy everything I need.
Then leave?
Hopefully?
God, I really want to visit my college friends before I leave. Badly. Unfortunately, I still can't see it happening.
And I don't know if I can get to the town an hour away to visit my friends from the summer.
I suppose it depends on when I leave. While looking at plane ticket prices, I was seriously discouraged when I saw that prices had jumped up around $200 in between Christmas and New Years, which is when I originally had planned to leave. I found a few flights that are priced at the same prices I had seen before the price jump, but they leave about a week after Christmas.. I suppose they will be my best bet, though. Then I can still go to the New Years party that I bought a ticket for and friends are expecting me to go to. And then it gives me time to visit my summer friends, if I can get there. I still can't see me being able to visit my college friends though, too much money and time to get down there. Ughhhh. Fuck.
Yeah. I've probably repeated shit I've said in previous posts, but whatever.
I'm just feeling shitty today. I went out last night (which was pretty fun!) and came back at 1:30AM pretty full of beer and some Screech (a Newfoundland drink; it's tasty, better than Scotch in my opinion!). I slept most of today away and watched the first Matrix movie.
What a lazy day.
Rachel
Honestly, I'm am really excited to go to Guatemala. Extremely, it's something I've wanted to do for such a long time; travel somewhere new and live life without any obligations to anybody.
There's a part of me, though, that feels so damn lost and asks why I'm going. What am I going to accomplish if I go to Guatemala? What would I accomplish if I stayed here and didn't go? It's going to be a life-changing experience, I'm sure, but feels a little irresponsible as well.
I'm hoping things will just fall into place and everything will be fine.
Maybe these are pre-travel nerves.
Or maybe it's PMS.
Or maybe I'm just hungover and feeling like crap and my crappy mood is affecting my thoughts about my travel plans.
Who knows.
Things that still need to be done.. well, I have to get my credit card. Then I need to get my money out of a trust fund. Then I need to buy my plane ticket. Then I need to pack/make sure I have/buy everything I need.
Then leave?
Hopefully?
God, I really want to visit my college friends before I leave. Badly. Unfortunately, I still can't see it happening.
And I don't know if I can get to the town an hour away to visit my friends from the summer.
I suppose it depends on when I leave. While looking at plane ticket prices, I was seriously discouraged when I saw that prices had jumped up around $200 in between Christmas and New Years, which is when I originally had planned to leave. I found a few flights that are priced at the same prices I had seen before the price jump, but they leave about a week after Christmas.. I suppose they will be my best bet, though. Then I can still go to the New Years party that I bought a ticket for and friends are expecting me to go to. And then it gives me time to visit my summer friends, if I can get there. I still can't see me being able to visit my college friends though, too much money and time to get down there. Ughhhh. Fuck.
Yeah. I've probably repeated shit I've said in previous posts, but whatever.
I'm just feeling shitty today. I went out last night (which was pretty fun!) and came back at 1:30AM pretty full of beer and some Screech (a Newfoundland drink; it's tasty, better than Scotch in my opinion!). I slept most of today away and watched the first Matrix movie.
What a lazy day.
Rachel
6.12.09
I'm the perfect disaster, you can't stop me.
It's pretty much official now; I'll be flying to Guatemala sometime in the month of January (sounds like in the first week). My parents aren't fighting me about it anymore and now I'm really getting everything I need for this trip put together and hopefully it's going to go quite smoothly.
I'm so ready to go. Unbelievably so, but I'm going to miss some people, obviously.
Like I said before, it sounds like I'm going to be leaving as soon as possible after Christmas; my friend and a friend of hers will be waiting for me and then we're taking off backpacking. It's still kind of confusing and overwhelming, but I'm managing. Slowly.
I'm excited to pack for this trip too; I'm not going to be taking a lot of stuff. My backpacking pack will be my carry-on and then I'll probably have a small suitcase for checked luggage. Part of me is thinking the pack is going to be too big for carry-on though.. it's about a 55L pack that will be fairly full, I'm sure. We'll have to see. But I'm very excited to be living with limited amount of items and clothing and having mainly essential, practical items with me other than things I may want, but don't necessarily need.
I'm thinking it'll be a good change of living.
A very good change.
The result of leaving so close after Christmas is I am most likely not going to be able to go visit my college friends like I've been telling them I am planning to do in January. It pains me to be telling them I am probably not going to make it down there after I have been telling them the possible dates I was planning on coming down. I really do miss them and sometimes I don't think they really miss me as much as I do them (sounds kind of harsh and I don't really think it's true, but who knows), but it really is a kind of empty.. pain? that I do feel while realizing the chances of me visiting them before I go is narrowing.
Ahh, it's kind of a weird feeling.
Was this a short post? I think it's a bit shorter than what my previous ones have been.
Maybe not. Whatever.
I'm tired so it's off to bed for me. I had a pretty sweet night last night. Ha.
But that's another story for another day!
Rachel
I'm so ready to go. Unbelievably so, but I'm going to miss some people, obviously.
Like I said before, it sounds like I'm going to be leaving as soon as possible after Christmas; my friend and a friend of hers will be waiting for me and then we're taking off backpacking. It's still kind of confusing and overwhelming, but I'm managing. Slowly.
I'm excited to pack for this trip too; I'm not going to be taking a lot of stuff. My backpacking pack will be my carry-on and then I'll probably have a small suitcase for checked luggage. Part of me is thinking the pack is going to be too big for carry-on though.. it's about a 55L pack that will be fairly full, I'm sure. We'll have to see. But I'm very excited to be living with limited amount of items and clothing and having mainly essential, practical items with me other than things I may want, but don't necessarily need.
I'm thinking it'll be a good change of living.
A very good change.
The result of leaving so close after Christmas is I am most likely not going to be able to go visit my college friends like I've been telling them I am planning to do in January. It pains me to be telling them I am probably not going to make it down there after I have been telling them the possible dates I was planning on coming down. I really do miss them and sometimes I don't think they really miss me as much as I do them (sounds kind of harsh and I don't really think it's true, but who knows), but it really is a kind of empty.. pain? that I do feel while realizing the chances of me visiting them before I go is narrowing.
Ahh, it's kind of a weird feeling.
Was this a short post? I think it's a bit shorter than what my previous ones have been.
Maybe not. Whatever.
I'm tired so it's off to bed for me. I had a pretty sweet night last night. Ha.
But that's another story for another day!
Rachel
5.12.09
Nothing is normal.
So life right now has hit a lull. The lull before Christmas, I guess. Before everything suddenly bursts with stuff to do, people to see and everything.
I've been doing pretty decent; going to the gym with a friend for the past week and feeling pain like I haven't felt for quite some time, reading a book I haven't read in a while (I haven't read any book for a while- kind of sad!), sitting around. Yeah, nothing too exciting. A lull.
Yesterday morning was the start of a very windy snow storm. A province-wide blizzard, pretty much. You know it's pretty ridiculous when everyone's Facebook status' are about how stupid the weather is or how awesome it is (mostly the skiers and snowboarders are loving the weather, or those who just like winter). My Beastly truck is definitely feeling the weather. It doesn't like it, every little problem seems to suddenly appear when the temperature drops below -10 degrees Celsius. Things start to squeak and squeal, the engine stalls at least three times before giving in and letting me drive to where I need to go. It's definitely seen better days in the other three seasons.
But last night I went walking in the snow storm. Call me crazy (my dad did), but it was an enjoyable experience. I slid down the steep slopes of the large hill that guards the small town and ran down trails to try and somehow escape the winds and the needle-like snow. I would trudge through snow drifts that I had walked through only 15 minutes before but had no more trace of me being there and it turned out to be a decent leg workout. Today my quad muscles are really sore as I had done a leg workout at the gym earlier yesterday. It hurts to move.
I'm sort of stuck on the Guatemala front; I need to get money out of a fund and pay off student loans before I can do anything at this point.
Ahhh. Yeah. I don't feel like typing anymore.
Rachel
I've been doing pretty decent; going to the gym with a friend for the past week and feeling pain like I haven't felt for quite some time, reading a book I haven't read in a while (I haven't read any book for a while- kind of sad!), sitting around. Yeah, nothing too exciting. A lull.
Yesterday morning was the start of a very windy snow storm. A province-wide blizzard, pretty much. You know it's pretty ridiculous when everyone's Facebook status' are about how stupid the weather is or how awesome it is (mostly the skiers and snowboarders are loving the weather, or those who just like winter). My Beastly truck is definitely feeling the weather. It doesn't like it, every little problem seems to suddenly appear when the temperature drops below -10 degrees Celsius. Things start to squeak and squeal, the engine stalls at least three times before giving in and letting me drive to where I need to go. It's definitely seen better days in the other three seasons.
But last night I went walking in the snow storm. Call me crazy (my dad did), but it was an enjoyable experience. I slid down the steep slopes of the large hill that guards the small town and ran down trails to try and somehow escape the winds and the needle-like snow. I would trudge through snow drifts that I had walked through only 15 minutes before but had no more trace of me being there and it turned out to be a decent leg workout. Today my quad muscles are really sore as I had done a leg workout at the gym earlier yesterday. It hurts to move.
I'm sort of stuck on the Guatemala front; I need to get money out of a fund and pay off student loans before I can do anything at this point.
Ahhh. Yeah. I don't feel like typing anymore.
Rachel
30.11.09
How low can you go before you can't turn around?
Ha, that last post was an overload, I think, but that trip was a blast. Definitely one of the best things I've done, in my opinion. Quite a few people would disagree with me, but that's fine.
So I kind of want to write something but I don't know what I should write about.
How about a friend and I went drinking with my cousin and her boyfriend on Saturday and had a blast? Yeah, that was a fun night but I felt like shitttt the next day. I was surprised I didn't chuck or anything, just ended up sleeping it off for 4 hours, which is a surprise in itself since my new bed is so much harder than I'm used to without memory foam on it.
I feel spoiled sometimes. I'm determined to get used to it, though, without the memory foam. I don't want to have to buy any.
I'm going to go to the gym today with a friend. It should be interesting, I haven't done any running or major physical activity for a extended period of time for a while. It makes me sad that I'm just sitting around at home doing nothing and it's resulting in me gaining weight. I went on an hour long walk by myself last night at 10:00 because I hadn't done anything all day. Hopefully going to the gym will help improve my energy level and get my weight down to what it was at the end of the summer. That would be awesome.
It sounds like I'm going to be job hunting for a job during the month of December; just for the Christmas season to bring in some more money. It's going towards my Guatemala fund.
I'm really planning on flying down there in the spring! Really, I'm completely serious about going, I've found a decent language school down there where I can organize somewhere to stay and learn Spanish from. The plan is for me to spend a minimum of two weeks there and then see how much money I have and how much Spanish I can understand/speak. My friend said she'd help me with my Spanish too. Then we'd travel around, just living life and seeing Guatemala and meeting new people. It'll be awesome, totally awesome.
My parents aren't really gung-ho with the whole plan, but have pretty much accepted that I am most likely going to go in the spring as long as I have money to get there, which I will. My dad told me that he appreciates that I at least asked them and talked to them first and didn't just go and buy a plane ticket and called them from Chicago telling them I was just waiting for my flight to Guatemala and he should probably pick up the truck from the Calgary airport. Part of me thinks I could never do that, leave to another country without telling them until I was halfway there. The other wander-lust, rebelious part of me thinks that would have been awesome. My sister said if I did that, she would have been irritable with everyone and jealous because I just took off without having to tell anyone and can do whatever I want. And she really wants to travel to, but school is keeping her quite occupied.
Anyways, I still have to pay off student loans that went to waste first before buying any plane tickets to Central America or paying tuition for any Spanish schools. Unfortunately, it's going to cut my fund pretty much in half.. I guess that's why I need a job.
Ah, gotta' love the real world. A piece of me thinks I'm just being ridiculous, planning everything like I am and not investing in something solid like school. Not going to lie, Guatemala seems wayyy better than any college or university. And I'm going to be going to school.. and going to learn a language so I can understand what everyone is saying seems a lot more practical to me right now than writing paper upon paper on theories or something like that.
Rachel.
So I kind of want to write something but I don't know what I should write about.
How about a friend and I went drinking with my cousin and her boyfriend on Saturday and had a blast? Yeah, that was a fun night but I felt like shitttt the next day. I was surprised I didn't chuck or anything, just ended up sleeping it off for 4 hours, which is a surprise in itself since my new bed is so much harder than I'm used to without memory foam on it.
I feel spoiled sometimes. I'm determined to get used to it, though, without the memory foam. I don't want to have to buy any.
I'm going to go to the gym today with a friend. It should be interesting, I haven't done any running or major physical activity for a extended period of time for a while. It makes me sad that I'm just sitting around at home doing nothing and it's resulting in me gaining weight. I went on an hour long walk by myself last night at 10:00 because I hadn't done anything all day. Hopefully going to the gym will help improve my energy level and get my weight down to what it was at the end of the summer. That would be awesome.
It sounds like I'm going to be job hunting for a job during the month of December; just for the Christmas season to bring in some more money. It's going towards my Guatemala fund.
I'm really planning on flying down there in the spring! Really, I'm completely serious about going, I've found a decent language school down there where I can organize somewhere to stay and learn Spanish from. The plan is for me to spend a minimum of two weeks there and then see how much money I have and how much Spanish I can understand/speak. My friend said she'd help me with my Spanish too. Then we'd travel around, just living life and seeing Guatemala and meeting new people. It'll be awesome, totally awesome.
My parents aren't really gung-ho with the whole plan, but have pretty much accepted that I am most likely going to go in the spring as long as I have money to get there, which I will. My dad told me that he appreciates that I at least asked them and talked to them first and didn't just go and buy a plane ticket and called them from Chicago telling them I was just waiting for my flight to Guatemala and he should probably pick up the truck from the Calgary airport. Part of me thinks I could never do that, leave to another country without telling them until I was halfway there. The other wander-lust, rebelious part of me thinks that would have been awesome. My sister said if I did that, she would have been irritable with everyone and jealous because I just took off without having to tell anyone and can do whatever I want. And she really wants to travel to, but school is keeping her quite occupied.
Anyways, I still have to pay off student loans that went to waste first before buying any plane tickets to Central America or paying tuition for any Spanish schools. Unfortunately, it's going to cut my fund pretty much in half.. I guess that's why I need a job.
Ah, gotta' love the real world. A piece of me thinks I'm just being ridiculous, planning everything like I am and not investing in something solid like school. Not going to lie, Guatemala seems wayyy better than any college or university. And I'm going to be going to school.. and going to learn a language so I can understand what everyone is saying seems a lot more practical to me right now than writing paper upon paper on theories or something like that.
Rachel.
25.11.09
Fucking around and experiencing life.
Man, I don't know where to begin.
I guess it started when I got my truck insured on the Monday morning that was November 23, 2009, as well as deposited two fairly big scholarship checks that most likely won't be spent on post-secondary education. My sister says I'm cheating the system by getting free money whose future probably won't involve college. I'm not going to lie when I say that I hope I won't have to spend anymore money on college, I really don't think it's for me.. we'll see.
The truck was insured so I could drive my sister back to her school. We were both pretty excited to go and spend the day together, just the two of us. We always have fun together. The day was spent going to a mall (which required some city driving. I think I did extremely well driving through the city, it boosted my driving confidence), buying expensive things and watching a movie. I think my sister was a bit embarrassed by my truck at times, but that's okay: I still love it.
(FYI: it's taken me about.. 6 hours to write this much. I've been running back and forth, doing other things. Just though I'd let you know how much effort I put into these things!)
Well, after I dropped my sister off at her college, I started my drive home, alone and in the dark. The thought had popped into my head earlier on the way to Calgary (where my sister goes to school), but as I was driving home, it came again: I was going to be driving over the Trans Canada Highway.
Ah, where does that highway go?
Why, yes, it does go acros
s Canada. But the part where it goes into the mountains is the part I cared about and I wanted to go to the mountains badly. So what did I do?
Well, I sat in the parking lot of the gas station sitting right by the overpass and Highway 1, contemplating the pros and cons of me taking off down the highway instead of going back home. I ended up turning around and started heading home, thinking that I couldn't go driving into the mountains, I had an eye appointment sometime this week and it was too reckless. A Tim Hortons sign caught my eye so I pulled in and grabbed a medium mocha. As I sat in the parking lot, I texted my mom, asking when my eye appointment was. The idea of turning back to Highway 1 was still pounding my mind. She told me it was in two days.
A lot can be accomplished in two days.
More specifically, a lot of driving can be done in two days. I could go on a two day adventure, it's enough time for me go somewhere in the Rockies and satisfy my mountain fixation for a little while at least!
So that's exactly what I did.
The drive was dark, windy and quite exhilarating. I was accompanied by mainly semi trucks and their wickedly bright headlights reflecting in my mirrors. Driving into the Rockies, the first town you go through is Canmore. I've been through the town many times before, but this being the first time I was there by myself, well, it was pretty exciting. It took me a bit longer than I thought to find the information center, where I parked my truck for the night and called my parents. Let's just say they weren't entirely pleased. I think sometimes my dad needs to give the world and I some more credit. It seems that to him, I am next to defenseless and the world is a very dangerous place with mad people wanting to hurt me.
It drives me nuts. Yes, there are some people out there who aren't the nicest, but majority of humans don't want to hurt others! I'm sure they would rather help than hurt. He worries way too much. It's unhealthy to worry too much. Just cut me some slack, please!
Sleeping in the truck was okay; it was hard finding a comfortable position. Not to mention that the heater wouldn't work unless I was actually driving the truck! It was a good thing that Melissa brought one of my blankets that morning or I would have been pretty chilled, even with my big, parka-like coat and gloves. When I decided to start driving again, it was still dark and fairly early in the morning because I didn't want to try and sleep anymore.
That morning I actually drove back and forth between Canmore and Banff quite a few times.. I just couldn't decide where to go. I tried driving down Highway 1, but there was so much snow blowing and I couldn't see, so I turned around and went back to Canmore. Then I tried again as the weather was clearing up and tried to drive up the Bow Valley Parkway but that failed as it was covered in snow and I was sliding all over the place, so I turned around again and went back to Canmore. It came down to the point when I was going to head home, but I saw two guys on the side of the road that looked to be around my age. I turned around and was going to see if they needed help or a ride or something, but they were gone. So, I kept going west on Highway 1 and found that it had cleared up immensely and at least the one lane was mostly free of snow and ice. No more turning around!
Okay, since I'm getting tired of typing this out, I'll make it short and sweet from now on. I didn't stop a lot the rest of the day. I think I probably stopped around 3-4 times between going from Canmore to Golden and back to Canmore. My favourite place I stopped at was Vermillion Lakes (I went there on the way to Golden and then on the way back). It's a small side road that goes along the lakes. Very pretty, it has an awesome view of Mount Rundle. Yeah, I drove all the way to Golden, British Columbia. It was wicked.
The gas prices in Golden was wicked too; it was $109.09 a liter there! The whole trip cost a pretty penny.. that truck sucks gas like you can't believe, but after that trip, I'm sure my truck could drive to hell and back. I was sure pleased with it and glad it didn't fall apart or die on me up there! The only damage it received was from the deer I clipped on the last stretch (not even an hour away from home!). Damn thing jumped out right in front of me from the left, so I braked and went left as it was already on my right and the right headlight and corner got crunched as it hit the deer's flank. Stupid.. I don't even care about the deer; I was sooo close to home and I was tired of driving. But the sunset leaving the Rockies was pretty. It's always pretty in the mountains at sunrise and sunset; the lighting is amazing.
It was a lovely trip. My parents were more happy to see me than angry. Mom was seriously worried about my dad's blood pressure, I guess it's been kind of high lately and me taking off like I did didn't help. My sister told me she was jealous of me. I don't blame her, she's got a lot of school work on her plate. My brother said I was ridiculous and couldn't believe I did that.
Now I feel like I can go anywhere I want, which is awesome. Even though my parents would flip if I took off again. They told me not to do that ever again.. we'll see. They said that they would have let me gone if I had approached it from another way, but I know that's bullshit. They wouldn't have let me go; fat chance. Dad would've said it's not safe and the truck isn't fit to drive in the mountains. Whatever.
My eyes are now sighted on Guatemala. We'll see how this will fly. I have a good friend living down there now and I've been talking with her about it quite a bit. My parents said they'd think about it.
I've already made my decision and I'm sick of waiting for theirs. I've been doing it for 18 years.
Rachel
I guess it started when I got my truck insured on the Monday morning that was November 23, 2009, as well as deposited two fairly big scholarship checks that most likely won't be spent on post-secondary education. My sister says I'm cheating the system by getting free money whose future probably won't involve college. I'm not going to lie when I say that I hope I won't have to spend anymore money on college, I really don't think it's for me.. we'll see.
The truck was insured so I could drive my sister back to her school. We were both pretty excited to go and spend the day together, just the two of us. We always have fun together. The day was spent going to a mall (which required some city driving. I think I did extremely well driving through the city, it boosted my driving confidence), buying expensive things and watching a movie. I think my sister was a bit embarrassed by my truck at times, but that's okay: I still love it.
(FYI: it's taken me about.. 6 hours to write this much. I've been running back and forth, doing other things. Just though I'd let you know how much effort I put into these things!)
Well, after I dropped my sister off at her college, I started my drive home, alone and in the dark. The thought had popped into my head earlier on the way to Calgary (where my sister goes to school), but as I was driving home, it came again: I was going to be driving over the Trans Canada Highway.
Ah, where does that highway go?
Why, yes, it does go acros
s Canada. But the part where it goes into the mountains is the part I cared about and I wanted to go to the mountains badly. So what did I do?Well, I sat in the parking lot of the gas station sitting right by the overpass and Highway 1, contemplating the pros and cons of me taking off down the highway instead of going back home. I ended up turning around and started heading home, thinking that I couldn't go driving into the mountains, I had an eye appointment sometime this week and it was too reckless. A Tim Hortons sign caught my eye so I pulled in and grabbed a medium mocha. As I sat in the parking lot, I texted my mom, asking when my eye appointment was. The idea of turning back to Highway 1 was still pounding my mind. She told me it was in two days.
A lot can be accomplished in two days.
More specifically, a lot of driving can be done in two days. I could go on a two day adventure, it's enough time for me go somewhere in the Rockies and satisfy my mountain fixation for a little while at least!
So that's exactly what I did.
The drive was dark, windy and quite exhilarating. I was accompanied by mainly semi trucks and their wickedly bright headlights reflecting in my mirrors. Driving into the Rockies, the first town you go through is Canmore. I've been through the town many times before, but this being the first time I was there by myself, well, it was pretty exciting. It took me a bit longer than I thought to find the information center, where I parked my truck for the night and called my parents. Let's just say they weren't entirely pleased. I think sometimes my dad needs to give the world and I some more credit. It seems that to him, I am next to defenseless and the world is a very dangerous place with mad people wanting to hurt me.
It drives me nuts. Yes, there are some people out there who aren't the nicest, but majority of humans don't want to hurt others! I'm sure they would rather help than hurt. He worries way too much. It's unhealthy to worry too much. Just cut me some slack, please!
Sleeping in the truck was okay; it was hard finding a comfortable position. Not to mention that the heater wouldn't work unless I was actually driving the truck! It was a good thing that Melissa brought one of my blankets that morning or I would have been pretty chilled, even with my big, parka-like coat and gloves. When I decided to start driving again, it was still dark and fairly early in the morning because I didn't want to try and sleep anymore.
That morning I actually drove back and forth between Canmore and Banff quite a few times.. I just couldn't decide where to go. I tried driving down Highway 1, but there was so much snow blowing and I couldn't see, so I turned around and went back to Canmore. Then I tried again as the weather was clearing up and tried to drive up the Bow Valley Parkway but that failed as it was covered in snow and I was sliding all over the place, so I turned around again and went back to Canmore. It came down to the point when I was going to head home, but I saw two guys on the side of the road that looked to be around my age. I turned around and was going to see if they needed help or a ride or something, but they were gone. So, I kept going west on Highway 1 and found that it had cleared up immensely and at least the one lane was mostly free of snow and ice. No more turning around!
Okay, since I'm getting tired of typing this out, I'll make it short and sweet from now on. I didn't stop a lot the rest of the day. I think I probably stopped around 3-4 times between going from Canmore to Golden and back to Canmore. My favourite place I stopped at was Vermillion Lakes (I went there on the way to Golden and then on the way back). It's a small side road that goes along the lakes. Very pretty, it has an awesome view of Mount Rundle. Yeah, I drove all the way to Golden, British Columbia. It was wicked.
The gas prices in Golden was wicked too; it was $109.09 a liter there! The whole trip cost a pretty penny.. that truck sucks gas like you can't believe, but after that trip, I'm sure my truck could drive to hell and back. I was sure pleased with it and glad it didn't fall apart or die on me up there! The only damage it received was from the deer I clipped on the last stretch (not even an hour away from home!). Damn thing jumped out right in front of me from the left, so I braked and went left as it was already on my right and the right headlight and corner got crunched as it hit the deer's flank. Stupid.. I don't even care about the deer; I was sooo close to home and I was tired of driving. But the sunset leaving the Rockies was pretty. It's always pretty in the mountains at sunrise and sunset; the lighting is amazing.
It was a lovely trip. My parents were more happy to see me than angry. Mom was seriously worried about my dad's blood pressure, I guess it's been kind of high lately and me taking off like I did didn't help. My sister told me she was jealous of me. I don't blame her, she's got a lot of school work on her plate. My brother said I was ridiculous and couldn't believe I did that.
Now I feel like I can go anywhere I want, which is awesome. Even though my parents would flip if I took off again. They told me not to do that ever again.. we'll see. They said that they would have let me gone if I had approached it from another way, but I know that's bullshit. They wouldn't have let me go; fat chance. Dad would've said it's not safe and the truck isn't fit to drive in the mountains. Whatever.My eyes are now sighted on Guatemala. We'll see how this will fly. I have a good friend living down there now and I've been talking with her about it quite a bit. My parents said they'd think about it.
I've already made my decision and I'm sick of waiting for theirs. I've been doing it for 18 years.
Rachel
21.11.09
Have you heard? Bird is the word.
Holy shmokes.
I don't think I've partied like I did last night since.. possibly graduation.
What a flippin' gong show; a drinking game was played, secrets were shared, stupid things were done, drunken wanderings took place and there was even people throwing up.
Oh wait.. that was just me.
There was also lots of singing and shouting (singing Shots by LMFAO and shouting "Have you heard? Bird is the word! Bird, bird, bird; bird is the word...", like Peter Griffin from Family Guy), a crazy trip to Tim Hortons and we climbed all over a tank. A dirty car was licked, empty cans placed on vehicle antennas, playing at a park, and a trip to the bar, but since someone forgot their identification, even though we went back to my friend's place just to grab our identification, we didn't go in.
Ah, that would be me, again.
We were actually quite surprised in the morning after discussing what we could remember from last night's adventures that nobody called the cops on us; I'm quite sure that we were raising quite a ruckus.
I've come to the realization (again) that I should really watch how much I drink. So far, I haven't controlled my drinking at all and normally wake up the next morning hearing from my friends what things I did while being overly intoxicated. At least I've been quite lucky to have friends around who look after me and make sure I don't do anything EXTREMELY stupid. It's kind of embarrassing, though, telling people what we did, because of course our drunken meanderings would seem ridiculous to someone who wasn't there drinking as well, and most of the stories I would tell them were told to me first since I don't usually remember them.
Oh yeah, I define responsibility.
Monday`s going to be sweet. I get to drive my sister to her university and it`s going to be a blast because it`s just going to be us; no parents.
I`m discovering that my independence has been lacking since I`ve returned to living with my parents. They told me since I`m living under their roof again, they get to make the calls. So I`m feeling like a child once again.
I do like being home, though. It`s a lot more relaxing and I`m not nearly as stressed as I was. I just need to get a job.. which unfortunately isn`t very easy in this small town.
I`m thinking I`ll be going to the gym again. It`ll pass time and it`s something productive to do. It also makes me feel and look better, so that`s a plus. Those 10 pounds I gained was a slap in the face and I don`t like it. Running doesn`t feel as good as it used to, I can`t keep my faster pace comfortably anymore.
Ahhh, yeah. Life`s just full of highs and lows.
Rachel
I don't think I've partied like I did last night since.. possibly graduation.
What a flippin' gong show; a drinking game was played, secrets were shared, stupid things were done, drunken wanderings took place and there was even people throwing up.
Oh wait.. that was just me.
There was also lots of singing and shouting (singing Shots by LMFAO and shouting "Have you heard? Bird is the word! Bird, bird, bird; bird is the word...", like Peter Griffin from Family Guy), a crazy trip to Tim Hortons and we climbed all over a tank. A dirty car was licked, empty cans placed on vehicle antennas, playing at a park, and a trip to the bar, but since someone forgot their identification, even though we went back to my friend's place just to grab our identification, we didn't go in.
Ah, that would be me, again.
We were actually quite surprised in the morning after discussing what we could remember from last night's adventures that nobody called the cops on us; I'm quite sure that we were raising quite a ruckus.
I've come to the realization (again) that I should really watch how much I drink. So far, I haven't controlled my drinking at all and normally wake up the next morning hearing from my friends what things I did while being overly intoxicated. At least I've been quite lucky to have friends around who look after me and make sure I don't do anything EXTREMELY stupid. It's kind of embarrassing, though, telling people what we did, because of course our drunken meanderings would seem ridiculous to someone who wasn't there drinking as well, and most of the stories I would tell them were told to me first since I don't usually remember them.
Oh yeah, I define responsibility.
Monday`s going to be sweet. I get to drive my sister to her university and it`s going to be a blast because it`s just going to be us; no parents.
I`m discovering that my independence has been lacking since I`ve returned to living with my parents. They told me since I`m living under their roof again, they get to make the calls. So I`m feeling like a child once again.
I do like being home, though. It`s a lot more relaxing and I`m not nearly as stressed as I was. I just need to get a job.. which unfortunately isn`t very easy in this small town.
I`m thinking I`ll be going to the gym again. It`ll pass time and it`s something productive to do. It also makes me feel and look better, so that`s a plus. Those 10 pounds I gained was a slap in the face and I don`t like it. Running doesn`t feel as good as it used to, I can`t keep my faster pace comfortably anymore.
Ahhh, yeah. Life`s just full of highs and lows.
Rachel
19.11.09
Here we go again.
You can't run away from them, Rachel. They always will find a way to make your life seem a bit more difficult that you want it to be.
Well, boys will be boys. Where would we be, girls, without boys gushing their feelings to us someway, whether it's directly telling us they like us or somehow sliding it in, like telling us that our name reminds them of a love song? And isn't it funny when two guys will tell you in the same night?
Hilarious.
Homehomehome.
Moving back in with the parents has been okay. It's been nice, I no longer feel lonely anymore. Weekends have been good and are sounding like they will be spent hanging out with friends, which is awesome. Even friends from Lethbridge! I'm pretty excited. I miss my friends from Lethbridge, really. I tend to go back and forth whether I truly miss them or not and consider them to be real friends or just drinking buddies, but I really think that they're friends. They are awesome people and I'm glad to have met them.
Man, I need to stop fiddling with my nose piercing. It's growing into bad habit and it'll probably get infected or something.
Not to mention it probably looks like I'm picking my nose whenever I do it.
Lovely.
I took some pictures with my DSLR for the first time in months today and I got some pretty decent shots too. My subjects were my Bud (he looks so beautiful, I love my puppy!), plants and leaves covered with the morning's frost and moose! Yes, moose! I have seen a cow with twin calves for the past 3 days when I go on a walk or run so I decided if I saw them again today, I would return the dog at home and go back with my camera to photograph them. It was fun to hang out with moose again, I haven't done it in quite some time!
Ahh, me thinks it's bed time. My mom and I have hair appointments at 9AM this morning, so I better get some sleep so I don't look so haggard.
G'night, mateys.
Rachel
Well, boys will be boys. Where would we be, girls, without boys gushing their feelings to us someway, whether it's directly telling us they like us or somehow sliding it in, like telling us that our name reminds them of a love song? And isn't it funny when two guys will tell you in the same night?
Hilarious.
Homehomehome.
Moving back in with the parents has been okay. It's been nice, I no longer feel lonely anymore. Weekends have been good and are sounding like they will be spent hanging out with friends, which is awesome. Even friends from Lethbridge! I'm pretty excited. I miss my friends from Lethbridge, really. I tend to go back and forth whether I truly miss them or not and consider them to be real friends or just drinking buddies, but I really think that they're friends. They are awesome people and I'm glad to have met them.
Man, I need to stop fiddling with my nose piercing. It's growing into bad habit and it'll probably get infected or something.
Not to mention it probably looks like I'm picking my nose whenever I do it.
Lovely.
I took some pictures with my DSLR for the first time in months today and I got some pretty decent shots too. My subjects were my Bud (he looks so beautiful, I love my puppy!), plants and leaves covered with the morning's frost and moose! Yes, moose! I have seen a cow with twin calves for the past 3 days when I go on a walk or run so I decided if I saw them again today, I would return the dog at home and go back with my camera to photograph them. It was fun to hang out with moose again, I haven't done it in quite some time!
Ahh, me thinks it's bed time. My mom and I have hair appointments at 9AM this morning, so I better get some sleep so I don't look so haggard.
G'night, mateys.
Rachel
13.11.09
There's no place like... the parent's place..?
Yep, I'm moving back in with the parents today. I can feel my independence cry inside but I think I'm going to enjoy living there again. At least for a little while.
The 'rents will be here in about an hour and a half. I'm still in my pajamas, my room is a complete mess and I can't really tell if I'm done all my packing... I think I've packed as much as I can, but with everything strewn across my room, it's hard to tell. Whatever, it's just going to be thrown into the back of the van anyways.
I think both my parents are coming to get me. I was sort of hoping it would just be my dad, but my mom texted me saying they were going to be here around noon. Now I get to sit in the back, one seat, with all my crap crammed in around me. Great, it's going to be great.
God, I still have my "friend's" stupid hoodie and he won't even reply to me to get it back! He's been acting like a douche. For about a month. He's been acting so stupid... Maybe even bit longer than a month. Whatever, I guess I have myself a new hoodie!
I really should get to packing. I have way too much stuff. sigh.
Last blog from this stinkin' city!
Woohoo?
Rachel
The 'rents will be here in about an hour and a half. I'm still in my pajamas, my room is a complete mess and I can't really tell if I'm done all my packing... I think I've packed as much as I can, but with everything strewn across my room, it's hard to tell. Whatever, it's just going to be thrown into the back of the van anyways.
I think both my parents are coming to get me. I was sort of hoping it would just be my dad, but my mom texted me saying they were going to be here around noon. Now I get to sit in the back, one seat, with all my crap crammed in around me. Great, it's going to be great.
God, I still have my "friend's" stupid hoodie and he won't even reply to me to get it back! He's been acting like a douche. For about a month. He's been acting so stupid... Maybe even bit longer than a month. Whatever, I guess I have myself a new hoodie!
I really should get to packing. I have way too much stuff. sigh.
Last blog from this stinkin' city!
Woohoo?
Rachel
10.11.09
Righteously, totally HOT!!
I received a text tonight from a friend that I made last summer and he told me I looked "righteously, totally HOT!!" after I sent him a picture that my sister took of me this weekend with my phone (he requested a picture for his phone).
I literally laughed out loud and couldn't stop laughing and was worried about how close I was to actually crying. Based off of my reaction, I have come up with the conclusion that I am slowly going crazy. Or something of the sorts.
He was just giving me a compliment, "nothing more", he said. Seriously, my self esteem has been in the crapper lately because I've gained some weight in the past month or so and I feel so self conscious all the time. I know I'm just being ridiculous, but I almost dread going out in public because I feel so crappy about myself. Yes, it's ridiculous. So upon reading this text, I instantly started thinking about how he must be mistaken: the angle the picture was taken at must be hiding how I really look like and since the picture was sent in a text, it is hard to see detail because it's so small and so he can't see how I really look like now. Stuff like that.
Jeez.
Tomorrow night, I am going to the bar to meet up with my college buddies. I'm so pumped, I haven't seen them in a while and I hate being in my room all the time. I'm so excited to get out and actually do something and socialize with people. Real, live people.
I can't wait to move home. It'll be nice to hang out and spend time with friends from high school. I'm not really looking forward to looking for a job though, it doesn't sound like there is many employment opportunities there. Oh well, I'll find something, I'm sure. Hopefully it'll be decent. And I'm looking forward to walking my dog again in the river reserve! Holy, and walking with my mommy and grandma in the mornings. It'll be fantastic. I hope that I'll start taking pictures again as well. My camera has been hiding away in it's bag for close to three months now.. it's quite sad.
In the kitchen of my small, dark basement (okay, it's not really dark or anything), there is a big wall plaque-thing that has the poem Desiderata printed on it. I've read it over several times since moving here and I really like it. It's pretty motivational, I guess. The one line "you are a child of the universe, nothing less than the trees and the stars" is my favourite. It definitely makes one think because the stars are great balls of gas, swirling around, billions and billions miles away.
Ha, I feel special now!
I should go to sleep now. My sleep schedule has been retarded, I never seem to go to sleep earlier that 11:00PM. Ever. No matter how hard I try. It's mainly due to my brain not knowing when it should shut off and take a flippin' break when I want a break. I have so many thoughts flying through my headddd.
Well, toodles.
Rachel
I literally laughed out loud and couldn't stop laughing and was worried about how close I was to actually crying. Based off of my reaction, I have come up with the conclusion that I am slowly going crazy. Or something of the sorts.
He was just giving me a compliment, "nothing more", he said. Seriously, my self esteem has been in the crapper lately because I've gained some weight in the past month or so and I feel so self conscious all the time. I know I'm just being ridiculous, but I almost dread going out in public because I feel so crappy about myself. Yes, it's ridiculous. So upon reading this text, I instantly started thinking about how he must be mistaken: the angle the picture was taken at must be hiding how I really look like and since the picture was sent in a text, it is hard to see detail because it's so small and so he can't see how I really look like now. Stuff like that.
Jeez.
Tomorrow night, I am going to the bar to meet up with my college buddies. I'm so pumped, I haven't seen them in a while and I hate being in my room all the time. I'm so excited to get out and actually do something and socialize with people. Real, live people.
I can't wait to move home. It'll be nice to hang out and spend time with friends from high school. I'm not really looking forward to looking for a job though, it doesn't sound like there is many employment opportunities there. Oh well, I'll find something, I'm sure. Hopefully it'll be decent. And I'm looking forward to walking my dog again in the river reserve! Holy, and walking with my mommy and grandma in the mornings. It'll be fantastic. I hope that I'll start taking pictures again as well. My camera has been hiding away in it's bag for close to three months now.. it's quite sad.
In the kitchen of my small, dark basement (okay, it's not really dark or anything), there is a big wall plaque-thing that has the poem Desiderata printed on it. I've read it over several times since moving here and I really like it. It's pretty motivational, I guess. The one line "you are a child of the universe, nothing less than the trees and the stars" is my favourite. It definitely makes one think because the stars are great balls of gas, swirling around, billions and billions miles away.
Ha, I feel special now!
I should go to sleep now. My sleep schedule has been retarded, I never seem to go to sleep earlier that 11:00PM. Ever. No matter how hard I try. It's mainly due to my brain not knowing when it should shut off and take a flippin' break when I want a break. I have so many thoughts flying through my headddd.
Well, toodles.
Rachel
8.11.09
I love/hate dreams.
Dreams are sweet and awful at the same time and I don't like it. They tease you, sometimes showing you what might happen if you get what you want most. They give you a taste of what you might really desire at the time, and it sucks when you have to wake up and discover that, hey, it was just a dream!
I've been dreaming about the same thing ever since I came to spend the weekend with my sister and I guess it's about something I've been really wanting lately. But there's really nothing I can do about it, so I suppose I'll just have to live with it.
Bah humbug.
Visiting my sister has been sweet so far. We've been sitting around, watching movies, eating candy and unhealthy food and braiding each other's hair. All that crazy girly stuff. It's been fun.
Yeahhh, not much going on besides that.. I guess that's all.
I just wanted to say that little bit about dreams. The dreams have been driving me nuts.
Rachel
I've been dreaming about the same thing ever since I came to spend the weekend with my sister and I guess it's about something I've been really wanting lately. But there's really nothing I can do about it, so I suppose I'll just have to live with it.
Bah humbug.
Visiting my sister has been sweet so far. We've been sitting around, watching movies, eating candy and unhealthy food and braiding each other's hair. All that crazy girly stuff. It's been fun.
Yeahhh, not much going on besides that.. I guess that's all.
I just wanted to say that little bit about dreams. The dreams have been driving me nuts.
Rachel
4.11.09
And there's nothing you can do about it.
In your face, college. Tomorrow, I am going to withdraw and there's nothing you can do about it. Chew on that for a bit and tell me how that tastes.
AND THEN YOU CAN EAT IT!
Seriously, though. I feel like laughing, crying, screaming, jumping up and down and more. It's unbelievable. I feel like a lot of people are judging me at this point, but I don't care because so much of me feels so relieved that I won't be skipping classes anymore and I won't have any failing classes on my transcripts that would follow me forever. I will still look like a responsible student if one were to base what kind of student I am from looking at them. And it makes me happy.
Oh so happy.
Telling my Cross Country coach really wasn't as scary and heat-wrenching as I thought. It was actually quite easy and I quickly became annoyed when he went on trying to tell me ways I could stay in school and still run Nationals.
Yeah, I'm not running Nationals. It's one race and even though it's the biggest race of the season and would have been the biggest race I've ever ran, it wasn't worth it to me to have failing grades on my college transcripts for the rest of my life so I could run it. So, I'm giving it up.
I'll be moving back home in about 2-3 weeks, I think. I'm so excited. My dad said I'll have to find a job fairly quickly though, he doesn't want me just sitting around. I think I'll probably go waitress or something. Maybe even apply at the lumber mill. Who knows. We'll see how things roll when we come to that hill.
Can you smell that?
No?
Well, I can, and it smells like sweet, sweet freedom in the air.
(That was so corny, but I don't know if you've noticed; I don't really care about what other people think right now!)
Rachel
AND THEN YOU CAN EAT IT!
Seriously, though. I feel like laughing, crying, screaming, jumping up and down and more. It's unbelievable. I feel like a lot of people are judging me at this point, but I don't care because so much of me feels so relieved that I won't be skipping classes anymore and I won't have any failing classes on my transcripts that would follow me forever. I will still look like a responsible student if one were to base what kind of student I am from looking at them. And it makes me happy.
Oh so happy.
Telling my Cross Country coach really wasn't as scary and heat-wrenching as I thought. It was actually quite easy and I quickly became annoyed when he went on trying to tell me ways I could stay in school and still run Nationals.
Yeah, I'm not running Nationals. It's one race and even though it's the biggest race of the season and would have been the biggest race I've ever ran, it wasn't worth it to me to have failing grades on my college transcripts for the rest of my life so I could run it. So, I'm giving it up.
I'll be moving back home in about 2-3 weeks, I think. I'm so excited. My dad said I'll have to find a job fairly quickly though, he doesn't want me just sitting around. I think I'll probably go waitress or something. Maybe even apply at the lumber mill. Who knows. We'll see how things roll when we come to that hill.
Can you smell that?
No?
Well, I can, and it smells like sweet, sweet freedom in the air.
(That was so corny, but I don't know if you've noticed; I don't really care about what other people think right now!)
Rachel
2.11.09
Holy snot.
This morning I woke up at 7:25. Luckily, I was blessed with 3 more hours of sleep. Now, I feel like crap.
My poor nose. All morning, I've been sneezing my face off and it's resulted in a big nose bleed, both nostrils. It took about 20 minutes to get it under control, and then I blew out a huge blood clot. That was nasty, but the sneezing still continues. I feel like a stuffed up, snotty mess. 'Just thought I'd tell you about it. Ha. To me, it was so disgusting, it was funny. Seriously, it was making me giggle. It was one of those weird moments.
Tomorrow my parents are coming for this banquet for the athletes.. I really don't want to go. I don't feel like going anywhere anymore. Except for that academic appointment. By Wednesday or hopefully by the end of the week, I will figure out if I'm staying in school or not. I just want to go home, get myself together and figure out what I REALLY want to do.
Lately, I've kind of wanted to go skating. I want to play hockey, but I know I can't skate well enough and, well, I'm not that good at it.
Ahh, man.
You know what I what to do?
I want to go home and get a job. Hopefully, it will pay decently, because I want to get my own vehicle. I would like it to be a truck, maybe a smaller one, but one that can handle tougher driving conditions. A car would be fine too, though. I'll be saving money as well, obviously. Maybe on long weekends and such I'll go out on camping trips. Out in the mountains. See if some friends want to come along.
I can't wait until summer.
Rachel
My poor nose. All morning, I've been sneezing my face off and it's resulted in a big nose bleed, both nostrils. It took about 20 minutes to get it under control, and then I blew out a huge blood clot. That was nasty, but the sneezing still continues. I feel like a stuffed up, snotty mess. 'Just thought I'd tell you about it. Ha. To me, it was so disgusting, it was funny. Seriously, it was making me giggle. It was one of those weird moments.
Tomorrow my parents are coming for this banquet for the athletes.. I really don't want to go. I don't feel like going anywhere anymore. Except for that academic appointment. By Wednesday or hopefully by the end of the week, I will figure out if I'm staying in school or not. I just want to go home, get myself together and figure out what I REALLY want to do.
Lately, I've kind of wanted to go skating. I want to play hockey, but I know I can't skate well enough and, well, I'm not that good at it.
Ahh, man.
You know what I what to do?
I want to go home and get a job. Hopefully, it will pay decently, because I want to get my own vehicle. I would like it to be a truck, maybe a smaller one, but one that can handle tougher driving conditions. A car would be fine too, though. I'll be saving money as well, obviously. Maybe on long weekends and such I'll go out on camping trips. Out in the mountains. See if some friends want to come along.
I can't wait until summer.
Rachel
1.11.09
I found it.
I found my bedroom floor. It was hiding underneath all my clothes and garbage and whatever else I had thrown on the floor in the past month. The vacuum sucked up so much junk, it was gross. I'm surprised I let my room get that dirty though. It's nice that it's clean again, it makes me feel better about being in the room.
My cross country team won the title of Provincial Champions yesterday! Both the men's and woman's team. It was awesome, even though I didn't run my best due to being sick. I was wheezing for the last bit of the course, but at least I didn't drop out of it or anything. I figured if I couldn't place top ten, I could at least run the whole race and finish. That's pretty much all my coach had asked of me since I was sick. That and to come back with a vengeance for Nationals.. so I guess I'm going to be training hard for the next two weeks!
Uggggh, my nose is bothering me today. And my cough sounds nasty and phlegmy. Even the word phlegm looks gross. I don't like being siccckkkk.
Rachel
My cross country team won the title of Provincial Champions yesterday! Both the men's and woman's team. It was awesome, even though I didn't run my best due to being sick. I was wheezing for the last bit of the course, but at least I didn't drop out of it or anything. I figured if I couldn't place top ten, I could at least run the whole race and finish. That's pretty much all my coach had asked of me since I was sick. That and to come back with a vengeance for Nationals.. so I guess I'm going to be training hard for the next two weeks!
Uggggh, my nose is bothering me today. And my cough sounds nasty and phlegmy. Even the word phlegm looks gross. I don't like being siccckkkk.
Rachel
30.10.09
Those things I miss.
You know those little moments that you never really valued at the time you had them? Yeah, I miss those.
Running for the team at the college has been absolutely amazing. I am probably happiest when I am with the team, they are such awesome people. I have also learned how great it is to run with a team; I was so used to training by myself, but now I really enjoy running with my teammates. Even if there is barely any conversation, just their presence can encourage me to keep going. But I have grown to miss running by myself, just for the fun of it. Training for all these races have lost it's flare. I want to run for myself now, not for a coach. I want to run for fun, not because I need to be fit and improve my time. I need new motivation to run. I need different scenery.
Another moment I miss is when I would go out walking with my dog. He would be off-leash and I would take tons of pictures of him and of the surrounding scenery. Sometimes I'd get pictures of moose or deer that were hanging around in the area. And then there were those early, winter sunrises. It would be around -15°C to -20°C some mornings and by the time we'd get home, poor Bud would be limping because a paw was too cold and my fingers would be so cold, they hurt. But seeing the morning light change the clouds and then those colors would be reflected on the snow that covered the frozen river.. lots of beautiful mornings. It's been a while since I took any pictures with my DSLR... probably about two months now. Photography used to be such a big hobby of mine, but whenever I pick up the camera, I feel no inspiration and I've just reached a point that any pictures that come out might be good, but not great or amazing.
It saddens me when two things such as running and photography have come to mean so little to me right now.
I am so close right now, so close to dropping out of college. It's like I've already walked to the edge and all there is left to do is jump, but I am building up the courage to do it.
Oh, I love my sister. She's so awesome.
But I have a race to run tomorrow, as much as I don't want to run it with this cold-thing I've caught.. it's a pain in the ass. And as I mentioned above, I've kind of lost interest with running at the moment. Well, for the college. Anyways, I need sleep.
Rachel
Running for the team at the college has been absolutely amazing. I am probably happiest when I am with the team, they are such awesome people. I have also learned how great it is to run with a team; I was so used to training by myself, but now I really enjoy running with my teammates. Even if there is barely any conversation, just their presence can encourage me to keep going. But I have grown to miss running by myself, just for the fun of it. Training for all these races have lost it's flare. I want to run for myself now, not for a coach. I want to run for fun, not because I need to be fit and improve my time. I need new motivation to run. I need different scenery.
Another moment I miss is when I would go out walking with my dog. He would be off-leash and I would take tons of pictures of him and of the surrounding scenery. Sometimes I'd get pictures of moose or deer that were hanging around in the area. And then there were those early, winter sunrises. It would be around -15°C to -20°C some mornings and by the time we'd get home, poor Bud would be limping because a paw was too cold and my fingers would be so cold, they hurt. But seeing the morning light change the clouds and then those colors would be reflected on the snow that covered the frozen river.. lots of beautiful mornings. It's been a while since I took any pictures with my DSLR... probably about two months now. Photography used to be such a big hobby of mine, but whenever I pick up the camera, I feel no inspiration and I've just reached a point that any pictures that come out might be good, but not great or amazing.
It saddens me when two things such as running and photography have come to mean so little to me right now.
I am so close right now, so close to dropping out of college. It's like I've already walked to the edge and all there is left to do is jump, but I am building up the courage to do it.
Oh, I love my sister. She's so awesome.
But I have a race to run tomorrow, as much as I don't want to run it with this cold-thing I've caught.. it's a pain in the ass. And as I mentioned above, I've kind of lost interest with running at the moment. Well, for the college. Anyways, I need sleep.
Rachel
20.10.09
Over the line, can't define what I'm after.
I want to go home.
Even though I thought I'd never think those words, there's always moments when one can surprise oneself. Right now, in my very independent life, I surprise myself; I miss home and would much rather be there than here.
Really, I'd rather be almost anywhere other than here and my reason behind such a statement is purely this: I. Hate. School.
I am not a student. I make a very poor student. Even though I made Honor Roll for my grade 12 year and have proven that I can get decent marks when I work hard, I lack the motivation to work at my studies. I am at the top of the charts when it comes to procrastination. Honestly, I don't do shit when it comes to homework. It's really quite pathetic.
College hasn't been looking good on me, either, even though I am on the cross country team. My eating habits are quite horrible and it's been showing. I really don't want to gain the famous freshman 15 at all, but it's looking like I will if I don't change how I'm eating. The drinking probably doesn't help at all. The amount of beer I've drunk in the past two weeks is kind of disgusting. I'm thinking about maybe going for a small run in the early morning and then practice in the afternoon. Of course, I'll have to start getting a proper amount of sleep as well, I know that essential to losing weight too.
It's gross, I know I should be eating healthy; my coach tells me I should be eating healthy, but then I go and I buy ICE CREAM and COOKIES. I'm going to be throwing those out this morning. I did buy a bunch of bananas and grapes and yogurt though.. I'll have to start munching on those instead of the sugary foods.
Argh. I need to go purchase a weight scale.
It also sucks that when I get the munchies, I can't really just go outside and take a walk instead of running to get something sugary to eat. The house I live in has a security alarm so every time you open the door and close the door, you hear a beeping sound. Plus the door is kind of creaky. I don't think my landlord would like it if she heard that late at night when she's trying to fall asleep. I wish I lived in residence for that reason..
I don't want to go to school today, but I skipped out yesterday and missed a quiz and failed to hand in a geology lab that I hadn't even started. Smooth move, Rachel, smooth.
Rachel
Even though I thought I'd never think those words, there's always moments when one can surprise oneself. Right now, in my very independent life, I surprise myself; I miss home and would much rather be there than here.
Really, I'd rather be almost anywhere other than here and my reason behind such a statement is purely this: I. Hate. School.
I am not a student. I make a very poor student. Even though I made Honor Roll for my grade 12 year and have proven that I can get decent marks when I work hard, I lack the motivation to work at my studies. I am at the top of the charts when it comes to procrastination. Honestly, I don't do shit when it comes to homework. It's really quite pathetic.
College hasn't been looking good on me, either, even though I am on the cross country team. My eating habits are quite horrible and it's been showing. I really don't want to gain the famous freshman 15 at all, but it's looking like I will if I don't change how I'm eating. The drinking probably doesn't help at all. The amount of beer I've drunk in the past two weeks is kind of disgusting. I'm thinking about maybe going for a small run in the early morning and then practice in the afternoon. Of course, I'll have to start getting a proper amount of sleep as well, I know that essential to losing weight too.
It's gross, I know I should be eating healthy; my coach tells me I should be eating healthy, but then I go and I buy ICE CREAM and COOKIES. I'm going to be throwing those out this morning. I did buy a bunch of bananas and grapes and yogurt though.. I'll have to start munching on those instead of the sugary foods.
Argh. I need to go purchase a weight scale.
It also sucks that when I get the munchies, I can't really just go outside and take a walk instead of running to get something sugary to eat. The house I live in has a security alarm so every time you open the door and close the door, you hear a beeping sound. Plus the door is kind of creaky. I don't think my landlord would like it if she heard that late at night when she's trying to fall asleep. I wish I lived in residence for that reason..
I don't want to go to school today, but I skipped out yesterday and missed a quiz and failed to hand in a geology lab that I hadn't even started. Smooth move, Rachel, smooth.
Rachel
16.10.09
I shot for the sky.
Watching the Vampire Diaries' newest episode introduced me to a really good song. It's a beautiful, simple tune with piano and guitar called Down by Jason Walker.
Strangely, I think I can sort of relate to the song. 'Don't really want to explain how at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find time to write about it later.
I didn't want to come home today. Home. I guess it's not really home, I don't feel good when I am here. All I do is sit around, watch T.V. and go on the computer. I've done barely any homework when I have more then enough time.
Argh. I really don't want to be in school. Really. Really, really. If I wasn't running for the school, I think I would seriously be considering dropping out. I am not a good student. At all. I slack off, procrastinate and am just plain lazy. I've missed a decent amount of classes already and have failed to hand in numerous assignments so far. I've also missed 3 quizzes. This sure isn't the way to start my first year of college. Also, if I continue on this path, I can't see myself running next year because they will cut me from the team for not keeping my grades up (they being the athletic directors and faculty) . Academics take priority over athletics, always.
It's depressing. Really, it is. And disappointing. What if I did drop out? I know my classmates would probably be disappointed. I know my family would probably be disappointed. People I met this summer while working would be disappointed. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I can't run away, I can't get out of it. I don't want to try. Fuck.
My friend still hasn't talked to me. I'm just hoping to run into him at school.. but at the same time, I'm not. I've gotten some advice from another friend to just give him time and space, which I am doing; I haven't texted or called him in about two days. It just makes me sad. I wonder if he's sad, or maybe he's just trying to forget me and pretend nothing ever happened. His hoodie that he lent me is still sitting on my chair.
I miss him.
Wednesday. Wednesday was crazy. I skipped school on Wednesday, then went out to my first bar here in the city with my classmates at around 9:00PM. We didn't have a class until 3:00PM on Thursday. I can't remember how late I stayed up 'til, but I was told I crashed around 1:30-2:00AM. Not going to lie, I had a blast, even though my drinking was still a bit over the top, which I was trying to control. Well, sort of. Yeah, I had so much fun, I think everyone did. Of course, I danced. A lot. My friends said I danced pretty much all night. I was taught the Two Step and was told I was pretty good at it. A bunch of us went to my friend's place in the residence at the college to sleep; there was no way I was going to go home that late, especially drunk. My landlord would probably go crazy and flip out.
Man, that was a fun night. I am sure there will be plenty of others too. I look forward to them.
The only sad part about the whole thing is that I am probably labeled the-shy-and-quiet-girl-who-is-a-lot-more-fun-when-she-is-drunk. Yep. I wish I wasn't so quiet, usually I am fairly outgoing but for some reason it has been hard for me. We'll see. My negative outlook towards school probably doesn't help as I'm always in a more depressed mood when I am in class.
Whatever.
Partying and running. Those are my highs here. They don't really go together.. I am sort of looking forward to the cross country season to be over though.. kind of. Ehhh, maybe not. There is always my half marathon I'll be training for. Hopefully that will go well. I still have to go sign up and pay for that... garblegarblegarble.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
Can I go south for the winter? And maybe stay for a couple winters?
Rachel
Strangely, I think I can sort of relate to the song. 'Don't really want to explain how at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find time to write about it later.
I didn't want to come home today. Home. I guess it's not really home, I don't feel good when I am here. All I do is sit around, watch T.V. and go on the computer. I've done barely any homework when I have more then enough time.
Argh. I really don't want to be in school. Really. Really, really. If I wasn't running for the school, I think I would seriously be considering dropping out. I am not a good student. At all. I slack off, procrastinate and am just plain lazy. I've missed a decent amount of classes already and have failed to hand in numerous assignments so far. I've also missed 3 quizzes. This sure isn't the way to start my first year of college. Also, if I continue on this path, I can't see myself running next year because they will cut me from the team for not keeping my grades up (they being the athletic directors and faculty) . Academics take priority over athletics, always.
It's depressing. Really, it is. And disappointing. What if I did drop out? I know my classmates would probably be disappointed. I know my family would probably be disappointed. People I met this summer while working would be disappointed. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I can't run away, I can't get out of it. I don't want to try. Fuck.
My friend still hasn't talked to me. I'm just hoping to run into him at school.. but at the same time, I'm not. I've gotten some advice from another friend to just give him time and space, which I am doing; I haven't texted or called him in about two days. It just makes me sad. I wonder if he's sad, or maybe he's just trying to forget me and pretend nothing ever happened. His hoodie that he lent me is still sitting on my chair.
I miss him.
Wednesday. Wednesday was crazy. I skipped school on Wednesday, then went out to my first bar here in the city with my classmates at around 9:00PM. We didn't have a class until 3:00PM on Thursday. I can't remember how late I stayed up 'til, but I was told I crashed around 1:30-2:00AM. Not going to lie, I had a blast, even though my drinking was still a bit over the top, which I was trying to control. Well, sort of. Yeah, I had so much fun, I think everyone did. Of course, I danced. A lot. My friends said I danced pretty much all night. I was taught the Two Step and was told I was pretty good at it. A bunch of us went to my friend's place in the residence at the college to sleep; there was no way I was going to go home that late, especially drunk. My landlord would probably go crazy and flip out.
Man, that was a fun night. I am sure there will be plenty of others too. I look forward to them.
The only sad part about the whole thing is that I am probably labeled the-shy-and-quiet-girl-who-is-a-lot-more-fun-when-she-is-drunk. Yep. I wish I wasn't so quiet, usually I am fairly outgoing but for some reason it has been hard for me. We'll see. My negative outlook towards school probably doesn't help as I'm always in a more depressed mood when I am in class.
Whatever.
Partying and running. Those are my highs here. They don't really go together.. I am sort of looking forward to the cross country season to be over though.. kind of. Ehhh, maybe not. There is always my half marathon I'll be training for. Hopefully that will go well. I still have to go sign up and pay for that... garblegarblegarble.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
Can I go south for the winter? And maybe stay for a couple winters?
Rachel
14.10.09
I don't deserve it.
Skipping morning classes seemed like a good idea, that's why I didn't set my alarm last night. I hardly get enough sleep, it's ridiculous.
But, really, holy smokes. The drama in my life lately has been up and over the roof and it deals mostly with boys.
Oh, quick sidetrack; that Beiber kid, Justin: he annoys me. I don't know if I like his music or not. How old is he, anyways? He looks like he's 12. Taylor Swift is so cute though, I like her music.
I'm currently watching MuchMusic, that's why I am talking about music. Except they are playing some pretty crappy music at the moment. Oh, and Lights annoys me too. I don't see how she got popular.. whatever.
Anyways. I was dating one of my really good friends, 'was' being a key word. We worked together all summer and so at the end of it, we decided to try dating. The only issue was I was moving away for college. The long distance thing just wasn't working for me, so I decided to call it off. He was a bit up upset but he understood. I think we are better as friends, though.
Then there is another guy, who is one of my good friends here in college, and I have no clue what's going on with him. He actually kissed me a couple weeks ago and told me he liked me. He texted me the other night saying that he was giving me the silent treatment but I don't deserve it. When I asked him why he was giving me the silent treatment, he said it was because he was confused with his feelings for me and such. We haven't talked for a while now and I don't really know what to say to him.. what we need to do is meet up and talk, but I have a feeling it might be kind of awkward.
And thennnn, there's another guy who is in all of my classes that took me out for dinner and told me he likes me. At this point, I'm just thinking, "Oh, come on!". Drama drama drama. A bunch of my classmates and I are going out drinking tonight. The third guy I mentioned is going to teach me the Two Step. We'll see how that goes.
Oh yeah. I'm 18 years old now. I guess that's a pretty big thing. On Sunday night, my sister and a bunch of our friends went to a bar and played some pool and then went to a friends house and played poker. I have learned that I need some more self control when it comes to drinking. I need to learn how to limit how much I drink because I usually get to a point where I have drunk so much that I keep drinking whatever is put in front of me. I feel bad because my sister is always babysitting me when we go out, which probably doesn't make it very fun for her... Sorry, Mel.
Eh, I should get to school. 'Gotta get there sometime today, unfortunately.
Rachel
But, really, holy smokes. The drama in my life lately has been up and over the roof and it deals mostly with boys.
Oh, quick sidetrack; that Beiber kid, Justin: he annoys me. I don't know if I like his music or not. How old is he, anyways? He looks like he's 12. Taylor Swift is so cute though, I like her music.
I'm currently watching MuchMusic, that's why I am talking about music. Except they are playing some pretty crappy music at the moment. Oh, and Lights annoys me too. I don't see how she got popular.. whatever.
Anyways. I was dating one of my really good friends, 'was' being a key word. We worked together all summer and so at the end of it, we decided to try dating. The only issue was I was moving away for college. The long distance thing just wasn't working for me, so I decided to call it off. He was a bit up upset but he understood. I think we are better as friends, though.
Then there is another guy, who is one of my good friends here in college, and I have no clue what's going on with him. He actually kissed me a couple weeks ago and told me he liked me. He texted me the other night saying that he was giving me the silent treatment but I don't deserve it. When I asked him why he was giving me the silent treatment, he said it was because he was confused with his feelings for me and such. We haven't talked for a while now and I don't really know what to say to him.. what we need to do is meet up and talk, but I have a feeling it might be kind of awkward.
And thennnn, there's another guy who is in all of my classes that took me out for dinner and told me he likes me. At this point, I'm just thinking, "Oh, come on!". Drama drama drama. A bunch of my classmates and I are going out drinking tonight. The third guy I mentioned is going to teach me the Two Step. We'll see how that goes.
Oh yeah. I'm 18 years old now. I guess that's a pretty big thing. On Sunday night, my sister and a bunch of our friends went to a bar and played some pool and then went to a friends house and played poker. I have learned that I need some more self control when it comes to drinking. I need to learn how to limit how much I drink because I usually get to a point where I have drunk so much that I keep drinking whatever is put in front of me. I feel bad because my sister is always babysitting me when we go out, which probably doesn't make it very fun for her... Sorry, Mel.
Eh, I should get to school. 'Gotta get there sometime today, unfortunately.
Rachel
5.10.09
The television is killing my brain cells.
I am sure I have watched way too much television, so much that my brain is close to going into a comatose state for a day or two. Not that I wouldn't mind being in that state because it might mean I won't have to go to school tomorrow. Now that I think of it, I will probably be in a comatose state tomorrow anyways due to the lack of sleep I will get tonight. I really should go to bed, but I don't feel like it.
Besides watching television all day and putting around on the internet, I went grocery shopping. I biked about 15 minutes or so to the closest WalMart in the new wet, chilly weather we have been introduced to these past few days and got a wet behind because my bike seat soaked up the rain that accumulated in the morning hours. I didn't really care as I walked through WalMart if I had a wet butt or not because, frankly, I was on a hunt to get what I needed and to get the hell out as fast as I could. Shopping for food isn't something I enjoy. Especially when I have to carry it all on my bike, whose tires' air pressure is probably a little too low. It was a slow, wet bike ride home. At least I got out of the house though.
I have come to realize that my social life sucks right now. Really sucks. I need friends to hang out with, people to get me to leave my cave in the basement and experience the things that college kids need to experience, such as drinking too much alcohol and parties and other stuff college kids like to do. Partying sounds like a blast right now because all I've been doing is sitting around in my room and eating too much food when compared to the amount of physical activity I have done (that's a lot of food, mind you). I am willing to do almost anything if it means being out in the real world and not watching my computer screen or television while laying/sitting on my bed.
Oh, what has my life become?
You know what I miss? The mountains. My sister was blessed with the opportunity to go travel in the mountains today and I felt my heart break. All I see here is coulees and even though they are beautiful and amazing in their own way, the mountains captured my heart first. They won't give it back either, the bastards, and cause me pain whenever I travel away from them and lose sight of them. They are probably starting to become covered in snow about now.. so beautiful in their white sheets of cold, wet precipitation. Man, oh, man.
My 18th birthday is coming up. Six more days. I can't wait to go visit home! This city has lost my interest for the moment and the place where my high school days took place has now opened and entered a soft spot in my heart. I can see the mountains there, the leaves there don't blow to the ground as soon as they turn color, but hang on for about a month (the wind here is unbearable at times), the moose frolic right behind the backyard fence and the river gushes not 200 yards from the backyard. I can run on grass-covered trails in the forest on the hill that provides a view-point over the town. The sound of traffic will be significantly decreased and I imagine I won't hear sirens of any kind while I am there. Seriously, though. I am so excited. My birthday probably won't be anything too exciting though. I won't have time to party and go to the bars or anything. It makes me sad because I would love to go out with my friends I went to high school with and partied with at home!
Aww, my friend just told me about her first kiss. I love those stories, they're so cute. She just made my day. Night. Morning.
I really should go to bed. It's too late (or early) to still be up when I have school to go to in the morning.
I must admit, I enjoyed writing this blog and hope I can write more enjoyable blogs in the future.
Good night!
Rachel
Besides watching television all day and putting around on the internet, I went grocery shopping. I biked about 15 minutes or so to the closest WalMart in the new wet, chilly weather we have been introduced to these past few days and got a wet behind because my bike seat soaked up the rain that accumulated in the morning hours. I didn't really care as I walked through WalMart if I had a wet butt or not because, frankly, I was on a hunt to get what I needed and to get the hell out as fast as I could. Shopping for food isn't something I enjoy. Especially when I have to carry it all on my bike, whose tires' air pressure is probably a little too low. It was a slow, wet bike ride home. At least I got out of the house though.
I have come to realize that my social life sucks right now. Really sucks. I need friends to hang out with, people to get me to leave my cave in the basement and experience the things that college kids need to experience, such as drinking too much alcohol and parties and other stuff college kids like to do. Partying sounds like a blast right now because all I've been doing is sitting around in my room and eating too much food when compared to the amount of physical activity I have done (that's a lot of food, mind you). I am willing to do almost anything if it means being out in the real world and not watching my computer screen or television while laying/sitting on my bed.
Oh, what has my life become?
You know what I miss? The mountains. My sister was blessed with the opportunity to go travel in the mountains today and I felt my heart break. All I see here is coulees and even though they are beautiful and amazing in their own way, the mountains captured my heart first. They won't give it back either, the bastards, and cause me pain whenever I travel away from them and lose sight of them. They are probably starting to become covered in snow about now.. so beautiful in their white sheets of cold, wet precipitation. Man, oh, man.
My 18th birthday is coming up. Six more days. I can't wait to go visit home! This city has lost my interest for the moment and the place where my high school days took place has now opened and entered a soft spot in my heart. I can see the mountains there, the leaves there don't blow to the ground as soon as they turn color, but hang on for about a month (the wind here is unbearable at times), the moose frolic right behind the backyard fence and the river gushes not 200 yards from the backyard. I can run on grass-covered trails in the forest on the hill that provides a view-point over the town. The sound of traffic will be significantly decreased and I imagine I won't hear sirens of any kind while I am there. Seriously, though. I am so excited. My birthday probably won't be anything too exciting though. I won't have time to party and go to the bars or anything. It makes me sad because I would love to go out with my friends I went to high school with and partied with at home!
Aww, my friend just told me about her first kiss. I love those stories, they're so cute. She just made my day. Night. Morning.
I really should go to bed. It's too late (or early) to still be up when I have school to go to in the morning.
I must admit, I enjoyed writing this blog and hope I can write more enjoyable blogs in the future.
Good night!
Rachel
3.10.09
She's gonna' blow.
Emotional stress, physical stress, more mental stress; I've been dealing with it all.
Can I disappear for a few months? Run away for a couple weeks? Hide for a few days?
I am going crazy. All I seem to do is sit in my room all day. Regular classes will be starting up here soon though, so I guess that could be considered a good thing. Although, I am sure it will just add to my frustration. Homework doesn't seem very appealing at the moment.
Tomorrow I think I will go for a long walk. Maybe in the coulees or something. I haven't taken any pictures in the coulees yet, surprisingly. Snow was in the forecast tonight, so I may lose my chance of biking there. I hope I can still bike. Biking is so much better than the bus and much faster than walking.
I also have to go to the store and buy food. Grocery shopping is definitely not one of my favourite things to do.
Thinking about how life might be like is sort of a turnoff at the moment. Why do we go to school? We go to school so we can get a well paying job. Why do we need a well paying job? We need a well paying job so we can buy things that we want and need and to go places we want to go. Sure, the aspect of traveling is exciting, but the idea of working for a long period of time just so you can save up enough money to go travel to some place and spend an even smaller amount of time there and wish you didn't have to go back home and back to work doesn't seem fulfilling to me. (Wow, run on sentence.)
I want to go live somewhere I will love and even if the job may seem weak, it wouldn't matter because I love where I am. Wouldn't that be great? I don't feel like going to school for years and years.. school sucks.
(How mature.)
My body aches. I ran a race today and I now have a new 5km time of 22:20. I am improving every race, although I would like to see my time go down to about 20:00 or so by Nationals. The pressure has been building because I am currently the top Canadian girl on our team and the 4th fastest girl. The top four runners are what get the points that count in the races, so I have to do well. I heard that another girl was going to join our team and she was really fast, but I didn't see her at the race today. She still might come to our next practice then. She sounds like she would be faster than me too.
I love our team. Everyone is so nice; the Kenyans, the guys, the girls, the coaches and the managers. They are amazing. Practice is definitely my highlight every day. No doubt about it.
Ahhh. My bed calls me. My mind is foggy and I am tired...
Good night!
Rachel
Can I disappear for a few months? Run away for a couple weeks? Hide for a few days?
I am going crazy. All I seem to do is sit in my room all day. Regular classes will be starting up here soon though, so I guess that could be considered a good thing. Although, I am sure it will just add to my frustration. Homework doesn't seem very appealing at the moment.
Tomorrow I think I will go for a long walk. Maybe in the coulees or something. I haven't taken any pictures in the coulees yet, surprisingly. Snow was in the forecast tonight, so I may lose my chance of biking there. I hope I can still bike. Biking is so much better than the bus and much faster than walking.
I also have to go to the store and buy food. Grocery shopping is definitely not one of my favourite things to do.
Thinking about how life might be like is sort of a turnoff at the moment. Why do we go to school? We go to school so we can get a well paying job. Why do we need a well paying job? We need a well paying job so we can buy things that we want and need and to go places we want to go. Sure, the aspect of traveling is exciting, but the idea of working for a long period of time just so you can save up enough money to go travel to some place and spend an even smaller amount of time there and wish you didn't have to go back home and back to work doesn't seem fulfilling to me. (Wow, run on sentence.)
I want to go live somewhere I will love and even if the job may seem weak, it wouldn't matter because I love where I am. Wouldn't that be great? I don't feel like going to school for years and years.. school sucks.
(How mature.)
My body aches. I ran a race today and I now have a new 5km time of 22:20. I am improving every race, although I would like to see my time go down to about 20:00 or so by Nationals. The pressure has been building because I am currently the top Canadian girl on our team and the 4th fastest girl. The top four runners are what get the points that count in the races, so I have to do well. I heard that another girl was going to join our team and she was really fast, but I didn't see her at the race today. She still might come to our next practice then. She sounds like she would be faster than me too.
I love our team. Everyone is so nice; the Kenyans, the guys, the girls, the coaches and the managers. They are amazing. Practice is definitely my highlight every day. No doubt about it.
Ahhh. My bed calls me. My mind is foggy and I am tired...
Good night!
Rachel
29.9.09
I want you all to myself.
I am in love with Marianas Trench's song, All To Myself. It's on repeat on my iPod.
Such a good song!
Last Saturday was pretty fun! The Cross Country team drove for about 3 and half to 4 hours (that's one way) to get to a race. This course had a lot more hills than the last. A lot more. The pace of the whole race was so fast, I felt wicked afterward. My calf muscles were really tight so my coach has told me not to run for about 3 days. I am hoping I can run today though, I miss it. Running is my addiction. But at the race I placed 9th out of 58 girls. It was surprising, I had no idea I had made top ten! I received a ribbon and my coach told me he was impressed with my run. I am now the 4th fastest girl on our team (the three other girls are from Africa and can run like crazy! They're so awesome.). I felt good after the race though, even though I had to take a IBU400 for my legs and developing headache.
Once I got back to my place, I showered and then got picked up by a friend. We went to a little house party and I met up with some people in the same program as me. I didn't drink at all as I had taken the pain medication but had a blast talking to all the other people who said they had been drinking since around 10AM that day. By the end of the night, I was so tired though. So tired. Sunday was spent doing nothing but sitting around all day.
Yesterday I had lunch with some classmates. They're so funny. There was only me and another girl and then four guys. In my program, the guys definitely out-number the girls, but it makes it more fun that way. I'm a little shy compared to everyone though, but it's nice because I can see they've noticed and they are getting me to join their conversations and getting me to hang out with them. Everyone is really awesome. I hope I will become more outgoing and friendly towards everybody.
I felt I should post something. There are things I would love to talk about, but everyone has their secrets.. Melissa, I hope this eats away at you. Take it as punishment for not blogging anymore.
School blows. I don't want to go to class.. I already know it's going to be a boring one, thanks to one of my friends.
garblegarblegarble.
We'll see.
Rachel
Such a good song!
Last Saturday was pretty fun! The Cross Country team drove for about 3 and half to 4 hours (that's one way) to get to a race. This course had a lot more hills than the last. A lot more. The pace of the whole race was so fast, I felt wicked afterward. My calf muscles were really tight so my coach has told me not to run for about 3 days. I am hoping I can run today though, I miss it. Running is my addiction. But at the race I placed 9th out of 58 girls. It was surprising, I had no idea I had made top ten! I received a ribbon and my coach told me he was impressed with my run. I am now the 4th fastest girl on our team (the three other girls are from Africa and can run like crazy! They're so awesome.). I felt good after the race though, even though I had to take a IBU400 for my legs and developing headache.
Once I got back to my place, I showered and then got picked up by a friend. We went to a little house party and I met up with some people in the same program as me. I didn't drink at all as I had taken the pain medication but had a blast talking to all the other people who said they had been drinking since around 10AM that day. By the end of the night, I was so tired though. So tired. Sunday was spent doing nothing but sitting around all day.
Yesterday I had lunch with some classmates. They're so funny. There was only me and another girl and then four guys. In my program, the guys definitely out-number the girls, but it makes it more fun that way. I'm a little shy compared to everyone though, but it's nice because I can see they've noticed and they are getting me to join their conversations and getting me to hang out with them. Everyone is really awesome. I hope I will become more outgoing and friendly towards everybody.
I felt I should post something. There are things I would love to talk about, but everyone has their secrets.. Melissa, I hope this eats away at you. Take it as punishment for not blogging anymore.
School blows. I don't want to go to class.. I already know it's going to be a boring one, thanks to one of my friends.
garblegarblegarble.
We'll see.
Rachel
16.9.09
I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.
This is definitely not high school anymore. My head is starting to hurt and my body feels like it's been plowed over by a truck.
My coach had the team run for an hour (about 8-10km) in the heat (32 degrees Celsius). Most of the run is in direct sunlight, there are some trees along the paths but they didn't seem to help too much. It was brutal, especially when it came to the mental part. To keep myself running was so hard, by the end I was talking to myself constantly in order to keep myself going. I had never ran for that period of time (or distance!) before. At least I can say I feel accomplished having run it! I never had to run like this in high school, that's for sure.
School is okay so far. Well, the fact that I have no regular classes until October due to field trips is awesome; it leaves plenty of time to procrastinate the one writing assignment and multiple reading assignments I have!
Yeah, procrastination is going to be a pain in the rear. A big one.
So I just felt like telling everyone that I feel like I was run over by a truck and I physically feel like crap but mentally feel accomplished.
Just to let you know.
Rachel
My coach had the team run for an hour (about 8-10km) in the heat (32 degrees Celsius). Most of the run is in direct sunlight, there are some trees along the paths but they didn't seem to help too much. It was brutal, especially when it came to the mental part. To keep myself running was so hard, by the end I was talking to myself constantly in order to keep myself going. I had never ran for that period of time (or distance!) before. At least I can say I feel accomplished having run it! I never had to run like this in high school, that's for sure.
School is okay so far. Well, the fact that I have no regular classes until October due to field trips is awesome; it leaves plenty of time to procrastinate the one writing assignment and multiple reading assignments I have!
Yeah, procrastination is going to be a pain in the rear. A big one.
So I just felt like telling everyone that I feel like I was run over by a truck and I physically feel like crap but mentally feel accomplished.
Just to let you know.
Rachel
13.9.09
Eat, run, eat, sleep.
Yesterday was my first race of the Cross Country season and as a college runner.
It felt pretty good! I definitely can preform a lot better when I run during a race then in practice. The motivation to keep going and adrenaline helps a bit. I did better than I thought I would and I guess I did better than what other people were expecting as well! So that was really good. It was my kick at the end that surprised my assistant coach. He told me I was awesome and the kick was one of the best. It felt good to hear that! My time for the 5km course the girls had to run was 23:04. Not the fastest, but I think it's decent for the first race of the season. This was also my first 5km race ever and so it's my first timed 5km ever.
I can only get better though, right?
When we got off the bus, I walked a block or two with some of the Kenyans on the team who live 3 blocks away from me. They are so freakin' awesome! Sometimes it's hard to understand what they say, but they are very cool. And can they ever run! Holy, the two guys who placed 1st and 2nd in the guys race yesterday, they were insane. I couldn't believe the pace they were running and they even picked up the pace by the end! Yeah, it's really neat to be on the same team as them, it feels like a privilege to run with such amazing runners!
Last night I wasn't feeling too well. I don't know if it was something I ate or what, but my stomach was feeling queasy. I ended up going to bed at around 6:30-7:00PM! I slept until 7:45AM! (I woke up a bit in the night, but was able to fall back asleep easily enough.) Roughly 13.5 hours of recharging. It felt good, mentally and physically. I need to work on going to bed at a decent time while I can. I need the sleep for school and running!
Today I plan on doing some shopping. I've been wanting to go all week but haven't had the time. I get out of practice too late to do anything. Yaay for weekends and off-running days!
Rachel
It felt pretty good! I definitely can preform a lot better when I run during a race then in practice. The motivation to keep going and adrenaline helps a bit. I did better than I thought I would and I guess I did better than what other people were expecting as well! So that was really good. It was my kick at the end that surprised my assistant coach. He told me I was awesome and the kick was one of the best. It felt good to hear that! My time for the 5km course the girls had to run was 23:04. Not the fastest, but I think it's decent for the first race of the season. This was also my first 5km race ever and so it's my first timed 5km ever.
I can only get better though, right?
When we got off the bus, I walked a block or two with some of the Kenyans on the team who live 3 blocks away from me. They are so freakin' awesome! Sometimes it's hard to understand what they say, but they are very cool. And can they ever run! Holy, the two guys who placed 1st and 2nd in the guys race yesterday, they were insane. I couldn't believe the pace they were running and they even picked up the pace by the end! Yeah, it's really neat to be on the same team as them, it feels like a privilege to run with such amazing runners!
Last night I wasn't feeling too well. I don't know if it was something I ate or what, but my stomach was feeling queasy. I ended up going to bed at around 6:30-7:00PM! I slept until 7:45AM! (I woke up a bit in the night, but was able to fall back asleep easily enough.) Roughly 13.5 hours of recharging. It felt good, mentally and physically. I need to work on going to bed at a decent time while I can. I need the sleep for school and running!
Today I plan on doing some shopping. I've been wanting to go all week but haven't had the time. I get out of practice too late to do anything. Yaay for weekends and off-running days!
Rachel
10.9.09
Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Not going to lie; my brain has felt like it's been put through a blender these past few days. But these past few days have been fairly interesting and fun. Come on, it's college, right? It's supposed to be fun.
Right?
Today was my first day of classes, second day of Cross Country running practice, seventh day of living in this city and only one of the many days where I will be very confused about everything going on. College is going to be a blasty-blast. My classes are looking good, I think I will enjoy them, although some seem a bit tough. Whatever, I'll push through them.
Yeah, I joined the Cross Country team at the college and holy, the pressure is definitely on! Out coach, B.J., had told us he believes we are the best team in Canada (in our division, I'm guessing) on paper and he's for sure going to try his best to get us to Nationals and win. Really, I think I will do fairly well, so far I've been doing good (so says my other team mates). I think B.J. has commented twice or three times about my upper body strength. I am quite "buff" due to push-ups and such that I do before bed or whenever I feel like it. He can tell when I run because I am stiff in the shoulders so he's trying to get me to relax my arms. "Officer-girl" is what he has called me (I am in a program that will get me into the Conservation and Fish and Wildlife field of work as an officer). Ha. I am hoping I will do really well, I am reallyreallreally excited for this season! Today was probably the longest run I have ever ran and the whole time I was trying to keep pace with the older girls (I'm 17, the one is 22 and the other 26) and one of them was last year's National Champion. Yeah, the pressure is definitely on.
Yeah, it's going to be a stressful month or so. I've been told it will calm down in a bit by some but also have been told it's only get worse by others so we'll see how things go. Hopefully it won't become worse...
Rachel
Right?
Today was my first day of classes, second day of Cross Country running practice, seventh day of living in this city and only one of the many days where I will be very confused about everything going on. College is going to be a blasty-blast. My classes are looking good, I think I will enjoy them, although some seem a bit tough. Whatever, I'll push through them.
Yeah, I joined the Cross Country team at the college and holy, the pressure is definitely on! Out coach, B.J., had told us he believes we are the best team in Canada (in our division, I'm guessing) on paper and he's for sure going to try his best to get us to Nationals and win. Really, I think I will do fairly well, so far I've been doing good (so says my other team mates). I think B.J. has commented twice or three times about my upper body strength. I am quite "buff" due to push-ups and such that I do before bed or whenever I feel like it. He can tell when I run because I am stiff in the shoulders so he's trying to get me to relax my arms. "Officer-girl" is what he has called me (I am in a program that will get me into the Conservation and Fish and Wildlife field of work as an officer). Ha. I am hoping I will do really well, I am reallyreallreally excited for this season! Today was probably the longest run I have ever ran and the whole time I was trying to keep pace with the older girls (I'm 17, the one is 22 and the other 26) and one of them was last year's National Champion. Yeah, the pressure is definitely on.
Yeah, it's going to be a stressful month or so. I've been told it will calm down in a bit by some but also have been told it's only get worse by others so we'll see how things go. Hopefully it won't become worse...
Rachel
7.9.09
I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.
Man, where to start?
ahhhhhhhhhh.
I'm all moved in. College starts on Wednesday, orientation is tomorrow and today there is a campus tour for the new students. I know I signed up for some orientation classes, but I can't remember which ones and when.
Smooth move, Rachel. Smooth.
Well, the city life is.. different. Not too sure I like it, I'm so used to the small towns. I miss the town I was living in all summer. That was a great town. Nothing bad ever happened to me there. But here, I can't seem to go walking anywhere without being hollered and called at or whistled at while walking down the street. It makes me feel slutty and dirty or something... I don't know. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and get used to the busy streets and sirens.
I almost wish school started sooner. I need something to do, I find living alone makes one go crazy if there is no job or anything to do. My roommate is really nice, she is quite outgoing and friendly. And social, she loves to go out and be around people. I find she hates being in the house all day. I guess I would too if I had been here a whole week without anyone to hang out with or anything to do.
Yeah, I guess it's been okay here. I was invited to go out for dinner with my friend who is going to the university and she said there were some of her friends from residence going too. I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 other people were coming, not too many, right? Wrong. Her WHOLE RESIDENCE FLOOR came out for dinner. The bill was $475. It was nuts. But it was nice to get out of the house. It felt so weird, being a typical college kid around lots of other college kids (or university kids). I could tell though, a lot of people were very clique. Ha, I was annoyed by some just because I could already tell what kind of person they were... is that judging? I think so... oops. It was fun though.
My sister moved into her college yesterday. She seemed pretty nervous but the college sounded very welcoming. I think she'll do fine there. But she doesn't have any internet access until tomorrow. Bummer.
Mhmmmm. I am missing people.
Of course.
Rachel
3.9.09
'Aw, that's so cu- wait, what did you do?'
And when I think I am taking one step forward, I end up taking ten thousand steps backwards. Silly Rachel.
Sometimes I rethink about the things I do and I regret a lot of them. This time, I am not too sure I regret what I did.. in someways I do but mostly, I don't. Don't ask what I am talking about though, because I'm not going to tell you. Ha, that's great, I'm not going to tell you what this whole flippin' post is going to be about. Suckers.
I've been so.. blah. Down. Depressed. Angry. Sad. It's ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
I waited for 6 hours and the funny thing is that it seemed to pass by like nothing. For the first four hours, I just sat in my truck. I ended up laying down across the bench seat but I didn't sleep or anything. My mind was in such a numb state at that point, it didn't feel like there was any activity.
God, why does life have to be so unfair sometimes? You don't know how happy I am for being able to do what I wanted to do but it seems to just make things even worse.
Stupid oil derricks.
Stupid college. I don't want to move tomorrow. Three hours south to where it's hot and windy and bare of any mountains. I don't want to go.
Today I have to pretend I'm in a good mood for friends and family. I am going horse-back riding today with a really good friend and I'm looking forward to it, more so than the family get together we are having tonight. And all the stupid packing I have to do.
I hardly have any motivation to do anything. Eating has dropped off my list of making me feel good. Part of me is kind of happy because I had been eating a lot of junk food before leaving the fire base but now it's weird because I'm never hungry anymore. I can barely make it through a meal. Breakfast is fine, but lunch and dinner is like a chore. My lunch yesterday was a salad, of which I only ate about half of it. Supper was a hamburger and corn, which my mom made me eat all of it and told me she was going to weigh me before I leave for college and then weigh me every time I come home to see if I'm loosing any weight. I also better eat three meals a day when I'm down there as well, she said. Oh, mom.
Oh, life.
Rachel
Sometimes I rethink about the things I do and I regret a lot of them. This time, I am not too sure I regret what I did.. in someways I do but mostly, I don't. Don't ask what I am talking about though, because I'm not going to tell you. Ha, that's great, I'm not going to tell you what this whole flippin' post is going to be about. Suckers.
I've been so.. blah. Down. Depressed. Angry. Sad. It's ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.
I waited for 6 hours and the funny thing is that it seemed to pass by like nothing. For the first four hours, I just sat in my truck. I ended up laying down across the bench seat but I didn't sleep or anything. My mind was in such a numb state at that point, it didn't feel like there was any activity.God, why does life have to be so unfair sometimes? You don't know how happy I am for being able to do what I wanted to do but it seems to just make things even worse.
Stupid oil derricks.
Stupid college. I don't want to move tomorrow. Three hours south to where it's hot and windy and bare of any mountains. I don't want to go.
Today I have to pretend I'm in a good mood for friends and family. I am going horse-back riding today with a really good friend and I'm looking forward to it, more so than the family get together we are having tonight. And all the stupid packing I have to do.
I hardly have any motivation to do anything. Eating has dropped off my list of making me feel good. Part of me is kind of happy because I had been eating a lot of junk food before leaving the fire base but now it's weird because I'm never hungry anymore. I can barely make it through a meal. Breakfast is fine, but lunch and dinner is like a chore. My lunch yesterday was a salad, of which I only ate about half of it. Supper was a hamburger and corn, which my mom made me eat all of it and told me she was going to weigh me before I leave for college and then weigh me every time I come home to see if I'm loosing any weight. I also better eat three meals a day when I'm down there as well, she said. Oh, mom.
Oh, life.
Rachel
31.8.09
Never thought or wondered.
I never knew I would feel quite like this when it came to the point of saying goodbye to my two friends I met this summer. I cried way more saying goodbye to two people that I've only known for two months than when I graduated and was never going to see majority of my grad class ever again and I've known them for about 10 years.
So these past few days back 'home' has been kind of down. I haven't been doing a lot but sit on the computer, sleep and walk the dog with my sister. I went and hung out with a friend last night and now I think he thinks that I now like him (he tried to ask me out during grade 12. I told him no.). Frick, just because I agreed to hang out does not mean that I suddenly have feelings for the kid. I hate boys with crushes. Most of them, anyways.
Bahhhh. I just feel down. One of the friends I met this summer and I are trying to get together one more time before I move for college and put even more miles between us. Jeez, I'm moving this Friday and school is starting next Wednesday. God, time is flying!
Before this gets any more depressing, I'm going to go on a bike ride.
An nice, long bike ride. :)
Rachel
So these past few days back 'home' has been kind of down. I haven't been doing a lot but sit on the computer, sleep and walk the dog with my sister. I went and hung out with a friend last night and now I think he thinks that I now like him (he tried to ask me out during grade 12. I told him no.). Frick, just because I agreed to hang out does not mean that I suddenly have feelings for the kid. I hate boys with crushes. Most of them, anyways.
Bahhhh. I just feel down. One of the friends I met this summer and I are trying to get together one more time before I move for college and put even more miles between us. Jeez, I'm moving this Friday and school is starting next Wednesday. God, time is flying!
Before this gets any more depressing, I'm going to go on a bike ride.
An nice, long bike ride. :)
Rachel
29.8.09
Eternity and then some.
So here we are
To go our separate ways
There's a little bit of excitement to continue on
But there has been dread for the past few days
I see them turn to go and I feel my heart go with them
This hurts more than I ever thought
Not that I tried to think about this moment
Or scribble about it with a pen
Suddenly I wish I didn't have to go
They didn't have to leave
And we could go on living like we were
This summer could continue for a few more weeks
Just give me some more time
To be able to say what I want to say
To feel what I want to feel
I don't want regrets to stick with me
Because I hesitated for too long
And then it's too late and they're already gone
Now I sit alone
All their stuff is packed and
Gone
Mine still sits
Untouched
They had places to go
People to meet
And I am avoiding home
Planning on getting some drinks to drink
My sight has become blurred
It's been a while since my eyes started to burn
They were both in a hurry
She had her bus to catch
Saying goodbye was distracting
There were people awaiting their turn
The tears didn't come until later
When I walked back to our room
Her side was empty
Random items littered the floor
He had family waiting
I guess they were kind of mad
My eyes had already overflowed when he came in
I didn't want him to think I was this bad
My feelings were overwhelming
I am sure he was a little bit worried
My crying was broken and wavering
His hug was warm and comforting
I watched them both leave
As I tried to smile through tears
Even as I write down these recent memories
The pressure builds
And my eyes fill
Now this just seems like some past story
I honestly cannot believe I only knew them for only two months
It felt like they were by my side
For an eternity
And then some
To go our separate ways
There's a little bit of excitement to continue on
But there has been dread for the past few days
I see them turn to go and I feel my heart go with them
This hurts more than I ever thought
Not that I tried to think about this moment
Or scribble about it with a pen
Suddenly I wish I didn't have to go
They didn't have to leave
And we could go on living like we were
This summer could continue for a few more weeks
Just give me some more time
To be able to say what I want to say
To feel what I want to feel
I don't want regrets to stick with me
Because I hesitated for too long
And then it's too late and they're already gone
Now I sit alone
All their stuff is packed and
Gone
Mine still sits
Untouched
They had places to go
People to meet
And I am avoiding home
Planning on getting some drinks to drink
My sight has become blurred
It's been a while since my eyes started to burn
They were both in a hurry
She had her bus to catch
Saying goodbye was distracting
There were people awaiting their turn
The tears didn't come until later
When I walked back to our room
Her side was empty
Random items littered the floor
He had family waiting
I guess they were kind of mad
My eyes had already overflowed when he came in
I didn't want him to think I was this bad
My feelings were overwhelming
I am sure he was a little bit worried
My crying was broken and wavering
His hug was warm and comforting
I watched them both leave
As I tried to smile through tears
Even as I write down these recent memories
The pressure builds
And my eyes fill
Now this just seems like some past story
I honestly cannot believe I only knew them for only two months
It felt like they were by my side
For an eternity
And then some
19.8.09
Crunch time, babe.
College is starting up in… 21 days? Three weeks exactly. Pretty intense, if you ask me. I am done my summer job in 10 days. I find that really unfortunate, definitely not looking forward to that.
I can feel the pressure of it all starting to build though. Definitely starting to tell by how much I have started eating, which is horrible because I am supposed to be running my ass off so I can try out for the Cross Country team at the college. Yeah, I do not think that is going to go well. I probably will still try out but I do not think I will do well at all. Not at all. My plan is to go to the gym at the college though. I find that I can schedule to work out and run better when I am attending school or something.. and when I know the gym is close to the school and easily accessible. There is also a lake near the place I am renting that has a nice path going around it that I could run. Blahhh.
So my plans for education are going crazy. I now have the crazy idea that I want to be a helicopter pilot. Pfft, yeah, I know. But I seriously think I want to do it! After my Natural Resource Compliance course I could work for a few years or so, save up around $70 000 (yes, that’s a lot of money) and then go train to be a pilot! Who is with me? This plan was planted into my head after I went on my first helicopter ride (this is usually how people decide they want to be a pilot but most find it to difficult to follow through). It was reinforced again when I flew some helicopters on the flight simulator at the tanker base near where I am staying and the supervisor helping me told me I was really good and said I should contact some helicopter company that my employers have hired helicopters from for fire suppression and stuff.
I hate crazy ideas. They always get my hopes up way too far.
God, I feel gross right now.
There are some things I still want to do before going to college. Namely getting my nose pierced or getting more piercings in my ears. And camping with friends, but that’s happening this weekend with the friends I made this summer. I am taking them to one of my favourite spots and I am hoping all works out and that it’s going to be sweet.
Ha, this last weekend I went to my friend’s bush party. It was very much like my graduation party except I didn’t drink nearly as much, thankfully. And this time there was a slip-and-slide (which was actually dubbed “Slip-and-Bleed”) and a marriage that involved wine being thrown at the ‘priest’s’ crotch and a divorce that ended the marriage by the ingestion of a marshmallow. Yes, these are the stupid things that take place only at parties. I had fun though, lots of dancing on truck tail gates and the wearing of cowboy hats with aviator sunglasses (even though it was around midnight when I brought them out and put them on). Ahhh, parties. Never a dull moment.
Seriously though, I am excited to go to college. I hope I meet some more awesome people. I have already made some sweet friends here and that has only made me more pumped to make more friends during college. And instead of only being able to spend two months with them, we’ll have two glorious years to be together.
Ha.
Twenty-one minutes until my lunch break and frozen yogurt. sigh.
Rachel
I can feel the pressure of it all starting to build though. Definitely starting to tell by how much I have started eating, which is horrible because I am supposed to be running my ass off so I can try out for the Cross Country team at the college. Yeah, I do not think that is going to go well. I probably will still try out but I do not think I will do well at all. Not at all. My plan is to go to the gym at the college though. I find that I can schedule to work out and run better when I am attending school or something.. and when I know the gym is close to the school and easily accessible. There is also a lake near the place I am renting that has a nice path going around it that I could run. Blahhh.
So my plans for education are going crazy. I now have the crazy idea that I want to be a helicopter pilot. Pfft, yeah, I know. But I seriously think I want to do it! After my Natural Resource Compliance course I could work for a few years or so, save up around $70 000 (yes, that’s a lot of money) and then go train to be a pilot! Who is with me? This plan was planted into my head after I went on my first helicopter ride (this is usually how people decide they want to be a pilot but most find it to difficult to follow through). It was reinforced again when I flew some helicopters on the flight simulator at the tanker base near where I am staying and the supervisor helping me told me I was really good and said I should contact some helicopter company that my employers have hired helicopters from for fire suppression and stuff.
I hate crazy ideas. They always get my hopes up way too far.
God, I feel gross right now.
There are some things I still want to do before going to college. Namely getting my nose pierced or getting more piercings in my ears. And camping with friends, but that’s happening this weekend with the friends I made this summer. I am taking them to one of my favourite spots and I am hoping all works out and that it’s going to be sweet.
Ha, this last weekend I went to my friend’s bush party. It was very much like my graduation party except I didn’t drink nearly as much, thankfully. And this time there was a slip-and-slide (which was actually dubbed “Slip-and-Bleed”) and a marriage that involved wine being thrown at the ‘priest’s’ crotch and a divorce that ended the marriage by the ingestion of a marshmallow. Yes, these are the stupid things that take place only at parties. I had fun though, lots of dancing on truck tail gates and the wearing of cowboy hats with aviator sunglasses (even though it was around midnight when I brought them out and put them on). Ahhh, parties. Never a dull moment.
Seriously though, I am excited to go to college. I hope I meet some more awesome people. I have already made some sweet friends here and that has only made me more pumped to make more friends during college. And instead of only being able to spend two months with them, we’ll have two glorious years to be together.
Ha.
Twenty-one minutes until my lunch break and frozen yogurt. sigh.
Rachel
14.8.09
I am... ?
I am a girl who has been in a helicopter.
I am a person who feels confused.
I am a human being that has emotions.
I am a girl who has been asked to sneak in a bar.
I am a person who lives in a camp with some nice native workers.
I am a human being who avoids uncomfortable situations.
I am a girl who likes to have a good time with friends.
I am a person who enjoys to sleep.
I am a human being who loves Paintbrushes.
I am a girl who spent a week in a camp full of boy-crazy, talkative girls.
I am a person who has flown a plane, jet and helicopter in a flight simulator.
I am a human being who has spent tons of time, yet not enough, in the mountains.
I am a girl who has a crush, but it may not be on the guy most are expecting.
I am a person who wishes to be thinner.
I am a human being who makes mistakes.
I am a girl who played hooky today.
I am a person who gets amazing pancakes with blueberries almost every morning.
I am a human being who talks on the dispatch radio.
I am a girl who can drive nice, big trucks.
I am a person who enjoys driving a really old, rusty truck.
I am a human being who covets other people's vehicles.
I am a girl who doesn't know how else to update her blog.
I am a person who has a lot more to type about.
I am a human being who doesn't feel like typing about anything else today.
This girl, person and human being is having a great summer.
:)
I am a person who feels confused.
I am a human being that has emotions.
I am a girl who has been asked to sneak in a bar.
I am a person who lives in a camp with some nice native workers.
I am a human being who avoids uncomfortable situations.
I am a girl who likes to have a good time with friends.
I am a person who enjoys to sleep.
I am a human being who loves Paintbrushes.
I am a girl who spent a week in a camp full of boy-crazy, talkative girls.
I am a person who has flown a plane, jet and helicopter in a flight simulator.
I am a human being who has spent tons of time, yet not enough, in the mountains.
I am a girl who has a crush, but it may not be on the guy most are expecting.
I am a person who wishes to be thinner.
I am a human being who makes mistakes.
I am a girl who played hooky today.
I am a person who gets amazing pancakes with blueberries almost every morning.
I am a human being who talks on the dispatch radio.
I am a girl who can drive nice, big trucks.
I am a person who enjoys driving a really old, rusty truck.
I am a human being who covets other people's vehicles.
I am a girl who doesn't know how else to update her blog.
I am a person who has a lot more to type about.
I am a human being who doesn't feel like typing about anything else today.
This girl, person and human being is having a great summer.
:)
11.7.09
Don't really know what to say.
Work has been good, as I said before. Nothing has really changed much since my last post. Except that I got to help set up a bear trap with the Fish and Wildlife officers.
That was pretty sweet. Now I just need to see (and photograph) a bear and I'll be really happy.
I cannot believe how much rain we've been getting. I want two weeks (even more!) of nice, warm weather with clear, blue skies. That would be awesome. But of course it's suppose to rain more this upcoming week. And of course I'm going to be out camping all week. >:S I have mixed feelings about rain. Going to sleep, I had grown so used to the rain falling on the roof so last night when there wasn't any rain, I actually had troubles falling asleep.
garblegarblegarble.
But I've met some pretty awesome people in the past week or two. The other two summer students are really great. It's fun hanging out with them. :)
Umm. Yeah. I'm tired.
'Night.
That was pretty sweet. Now I just need to see (and photograph) a bear and I'll be really happy.
I cannot believe how much rain we've been getting. I want two weeks (even more!) of nice, warm weather with clear, blue skies. That would be awesome. But of course it's suppose to rain more this upcoming week. And of course I'm going to be out camping all week. >:S I have mixed feelings about rain. Going to sleep, I had grown so used to the rain falling on the roof so last night when there wasn't any rain, I actually had troubles falling asleep.
garblegarblegarble.
But I've met some pretty awesome people in the past week or two. The other two summer students are really great. It's fun hanging out with them. :)
Umm. Yeah. I'm tired.
'Night.
4.7.09
The stormmaker says it ain't so bad.
Thunderstorm galore. I wouldn't doubt it if we got a thunderstorm
atleast once every week for the next month or so. I like it. :)
atleast once every week for the next month or so. I like it. :)
So my job has been looking pretty good so far. I'm staying in a
trailer at the fire base located at the airport. It's about a five
minute drive to the building where I work, so it's not too bad. The
dispatching sounds pretty fun. Come on, what kid hasn't liked the idea
of taking over a radio to pilots and all that jazz? :D With the walkie-
talkie lingo. Yeah, it'll be sweet.
I got a tour of some tanker planes and the guiding planes. They're
epic and when they call them tankers, it's not just because they carry
a large tank of fire retardent or water. They are huuuuge and probably
really heavy to fly. It was fun talking to the pilots and the tarmac
crew, you can just feeling their excitement when they talk about their
jobs. I love that kind of passion!
Driving back and forth from home to the town I'm working in has been
alright. Except for me missing a turn and extending the drive home
about an hour. >:( Never again. And it doesn't help when The Beast is
lurching around while I'm driving for some unknown reason. But I like
driving alone and listening to the radio set to my favourite station.
It's a nice feeling.
Tomorrow I go back to the fire base. Hopefully The Beast will hold up
and not give me any problems. Stalling at every start-up is
embarassing enough! :P And hopefully I'll find more productive ways to
amuse myself as there's no internet connection at the base. I'm going
to bring my bike with me this time. I need some physical activity to
do while working an office job.
To bed! (toodles)
Rachel
(Sent from my iPod)
30.6.09
I'm still alive and doing quite well.
Holy shmokes.
This past week or so has been nuts.
I wrote my last diploma, took my road test and passed, registered and insured my dad's truck, graduated, partied too hard, got my First-Aid with CPR and AED certificate, bought a laptop and new duffle, went and took a look around what's going to be my new home town for the next two months and am currently looking at mobile phones and plans.
Two days. Wait, scratch that... practically one day. I move Thursday, so tomorrow is my last day here. And I still have to pack. Arggg. My stomach hurts. :(
But I'm still excited. :) I'm a little worried about the internet situation though. It sounds like there might not be internet available for me to use where I'm staying. I'll have to search around for some wireless somewhere, I guess. :S How annoying.
I have to download iTunes. And get all my music onto this laptop. Somehow. And download a photo program. And a word document program. Golly gee-wiz! -_-
Tootles.
This past week or so has been nuts.
I wrote my last diploma, took my road test and passed, registered and insured my dad's truck, graduated, partied too hard, got my First-Aid with CPR and AED certificate, bought a laptop and new duffle, went and took a look around what's going to be my new home town for the next two months and am currently looking at mobile phones and plans.
Two days. Wait, scratch that... practically one day. I move Thursday, so tomorrow is my last day here. And I still have to pack. Arggg. My stomach hurts. :(
But I'm still excited. :) I'm a little worried about the internet situation though. It sounds like there might not be internet available for me to use where I'm staying. I'll have to search around for some wireless somewhere, I guess. :S How annoying.
I have to download iTunes. And get all my music onto this laptop. Somehow. And download a photo program. And a word document program. Golly gee-wiz! -_-
Tootles.
26.6.09
Moving Away
July 2nd. I'm going to be living an hour north from here and I'm
pretty sure I'm ready. Just have one more diploma and my road test to
take today. And tomorrow I graduate.
pretty sure I'm ready. Just have one more diploma and my road test to
take today. And tomorrow I graduate.
I'm almost tempted to go to prom for maybe an hour tops. I'm not
liking how my dress is fitting. To tell you the truth, I've never
really liked that dress, even though it is pretty. I originally wanted
a different one but the people at the shop was saying it was too late
to order a dress. So we went to West Edmonton Mall where the odds of
finding a different dress that I didn't have to order was fairly high
and that's where we found my current one. I've just been so stressed
out lately, I've gained some weight and now the dress is a little bit
tighter compared to how it fit when we first bought it. :( I don't
feel good when wearing it. But what can I do? There's no altering it
due to the tooling that lines the outer part of the dress. I guess all
I can do is hope it doesn't look too bad.
At least the party afterwards will probably be a blast. :) I'm looking
forward to that!
Well, wish me luck on my tests today. My little cousin woke me up at
3AM this morning when she started crying and then triggering my dog
into a near barking-fest. I haven't been able to fall asleep since. -_-
Live is sweet, isn't it?
Rachel
(Sent from my iPod)
23.6.09
Fire Fighter Jane.
I passed! I can officially be called a fire fighter, but I still have
so much training to go through. Not to mention that I still haven't
actually fought a fire... Hopefully I will get the chance before I move.
so much training to go through. Not to mention that I still haven't
actually fought a fire... Hopefully I will get the chance before I move.
What? Oh, yeah. I'm moving away for the summer. :P I got the
internship job I was hoping on getting and am now a wild fire
dispatcher! YEAH. So happy right now. Today was a pretty good day. :)
Let's hope I can pass my road test. And get my first-aid certificate.
Oh yeah, and pass social, I guess I need to do that to graduate.
Golly, I don't think I'll do as well as I hope on my social diploma.
We'll see!
Rachel
(Sent from my iPod!)
21.6.09
Sierra-Uniform-Mike-Mike-Echo-Romeo
Yaay for the first day of Summer! :) It didn't really feel like summer
with the overcaust, rainyness but it was still a nice day.
with the overcaust, rainyness but it was still a nice day.
Man, time is just flying now, it's amazing. I have so much to do this
week. I'm just going to take everything a day at a time. That's the
best way to do it, I figure. So I have my fire fighter exam to take,
my first-aid to work on and figure when I can get my certificate, my
road test to take, finish the second half of my social diploma,
graduate and find out if I got the summer internship (which I'm hoping
I'll get soooo badly, but trying not to get my hopes up too high).
Does that seem like a lot? It's all going to be done before July 2nd.
In a little less than two weeks.
ARGH!!!
This summer is going to be a gong show, if the first week of it is an
inclination of how the rest of the summer is going to be like.
I really am excited, though! Really!
Rachel
Oh, the title of this post is "summer" written with the phonetic
alphabet that I just learned while studying for my fire fighters test.
It makes me feel accomplished knowing that alphabet. :P
(Sent from my iPod!)
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