You know those little moments that you never really valued at the time you had them? Yeah, I miss those.
Running for the team at the college has been absolutely amazing. I am probably happiest when I am with the team, they are such awesome people. I have also learned how great it is to run with a team; I was so used to training by myself, but now I really enjoy running with my teammates. Even if there is barely any conversation, just their presence can encourage me to keep going. But I have grown to miss running by myself, just for the fun of it. Training for all these races have lost it's flare. I want to run for myself now, not for a coach. I want to run for fun, not because I need to be fit and improve my time. I need new motivation to run. I need different scenery.
Another moment I miss is when I would go out walking with my dog. He would be off-leash and I would take tons of pictures of him and of the surrounding scenery. Sometimes I'd get pictures of moose or deer that were hanging around in the area. And then there were those early, winter sunrises. It would be around -15°C to -20°C some mornings and by the time we'd get home, poor Bud would be limping because a paw was too cold and my fingers would be so cold, they hurt. But seeing the morning light change the clouds and then those colors would be reflected on the snow that covered the frozen river.. lots of beautiful mornings. It's been a while since I took any pictures with my DSLR... probably about two months now. Photography used to be such a big hobby of mine, but whenever I pick up the camera, I feel no inspiration and I've just reached a point that any pictures that come out might be good, but not great or amazing.
It saddens me when two things such as running and photography have come to mean so little to me right now.
I am so close right now, so close to dropping out of college. It's like I've already walked to the edge and all there is left to do is jump, but I am building up the courage to do it.
Oh, I love my sister. She's so awesome.
But I have a race to run tomorrow, as much as I don't want to run it with this cold-thing I've caught.. it's a pain in the ass. And as I mentioned above, I've kind of lost interest with running at the moment. Well, for the college. Anyways, I need sleep.
Rachel
30.10.09
20.10.09
Over the line, can't define what I'm after.
I want to go home.
Even though I thought I'd never think those words, there's always moments when one can surprise oneself. Right now, in my very independent life, I surprise myself; I miss home and would much rather be there than here.
Really, I'd rather be almost anywhere other than here and my reason behind such a statement is purely this: I. Hate. School.
I am not a student. I make a very poor student. Even though I made Honor Roll for my grade 12 year and have proven that I can get decent marks when I work hard, I lack the motivation to work at my studies. I am at the top of the charts when it comes to procrastination. Honestly, I don't do shit when it comes to homework. It's really quite pathetic.
College hasn't been looking good on me, either, even though I am on the cross country team. My eating habits are quite horrible and it's been showing. I really don't want to gain the famous freshman 15 at all, but it's looking like I will if I don't change how I'm eating. The drinking probably doesn't help at all. The amount of beer I've drunk in the past two weeks is kind of disgusting. I'm thinking about maybe going for a small run in the early morning and then practice in the afternoon. Of course, I'll have to start getting a proper amount of sleep as well, I know that essential to losing weight too.
It's gross, I know I should be eating healthy; my coach tells me I should be eating healthy, but then I go and I buy ICE CREAM and COOKIES. I'm going to be throwing those out this morning. I did buy a bunch of bananas and grapes and yogurt though.. I'll have to start munching on those instead of the sugary foods.
Argh. I need to go purchase a weight scale.
It also sucks that when I get the munchies, I can't really just go outside and take a walk instead of running to get something sugary to eat. The house I live in has a security alarm so every time you open the door and close the door, you hear a beeping sound. Plus the door is kind of creaky. I don't think my landlord would like it if she heard that late at night when she's trying to fall asleep. I wish I lived in residence for that reason..
I don't want to go to school today, but I skipped out yesterday and missed a quiz and failed to hand in a geology lab that I hadn't even started. Smooth move, Rachel, smooth.
Rachel
Even though I thought I'd never think those words, there's always moments when one can surprise oneself. Right now, in my very independent life, I surprise myself; I miss home and would much rather be there than here.
Really, I'd rather be almost anywhere other than here and my reason behind such a statement is purely this: I. Hate. School.
I am not a student. I make a very poor student. Even though I made Honor Roll for my grade 12 year and have proven that I can get decent marks when I work hard, I lack the motivation to work at my studies. I am at the top of the charts when it comes to procrastination. Honestly, I don't do shit when it comes to homework. It's really quite pathetic.
College hasn't been looking good on me, either, even though I am on the cross country team. My eating habits are quite horrible and it's been showing. I really don't want to gain the famous freshman 15 at all, but it's looking like I will if I don't change how I'm eating. The drinking probably doesn't help at all. The amount of beer I've drunk in the past two weeks is kind of disgusting. I'm thinking about maybe going for a small run in the early morning and then practice in the afternoon. Of course, I'll have to start getting a proper amount of sleep as well, I know that essential to losing weight too.
It's gross, I know I should be eating healthy; my coach tells me I should be eating healthy, but then I go and I buy ICE CREAM and COOKIES. I'm going to be throwing those out this morning. I did buy a bunch of bananas and grapes and yogurt though.. I'll have to start munching on those instead of the sugary foods.
Argh. I need to go purchase a weight scale.
It also sucks that when I get the munchies, I can't really just go outside and take a walk instead of running to get something sugary to eat. The house I live in has a security alarm so every time you open the door and close the door, you hear a beeping sound. Plus the door is kind of creaky. I don't think my landlord would like it if she heard that late at night when she's trying to fall asleep. I wish I lived in residence for that reason..
I don't want to go to school today, but I skipped out yesterday and missed a quiz and failed to hand in a geology lab that I hadn't even started. Smooth move, Rachel, smooth.
Rachel
16.10.09
I shot for the sky.
Watching the Vampire Diaries' newest episode introduced me to a really good song. It's a beautiful, simple tune with piano and guitar called Down by Jason Walker.
Strangely, I think I can sort of relate to the song. 'Don't really want to explain how at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find time to write about it later.
I didn't want to come home today. Home. I guess it's not really home, I don't feel good when I am here. All I do is sit around, watch T.V. and go on the computer. I've done barely any homework when I have more then enough time.
Argh. I really don't want to be in school. Really. Really, really. If I wasn't running for the school, I think I would seriously be considering dropping out. I am not a good student. At all. I slack off, procrastinate and am just plain lazy. I've missed a decent amount of classes already and have failed to hand in numerous assignments so far. I've also missed 3 quizzes. This sure isn't the way to start my first year of college. Also, if I continue on this path, I can't see myself running next year because they will cut me from the team for not keeping my grades up (they being the athletic directors and faculty) . Academics take priority over athletics, always.
It's depressing. Really, it is. And disappointing. What if I did drop out? I know my classmates would probably be disappointed. I know my family would probably be disappointed. People I met this summer while working would be disappointed. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I can't run away, I can't get out of it. I don't want to try. Fuck.
My friend still hasn't talked to me. I'm just hoping to run into him at school.. but at the same time, I'm not. I've gotten some advice from another friend to just give him time and space, which I am doing; I haven't texted or called him in about two days. It just makes me sad. I wonder if he's sad, or maybe he's just trying to forget me and pretend nothing ever happened. His hoodie that he lent me is still sitting on my chair.
I miss him.
Wednesday. Wednesday was crazy. I skipped school on Wednesday, then went out to my first bar here in the city with my classmates at around 9:00PM. We didn't have a class until 3:00PM on Thursday. I can't remember how late I stayed up 'til, but I was told I crashed around 1:30-2:00AM. Not going to lie, I had a blast, even though my drinking was still a bit over the top, which I was trying to control. Well, sort of. Yeah, I had so much fun, I think everyone did. Of course, I danced. A lot. My friends said I danced pretty much all night. I was taught the Two Step and was told I was pretty good at it. A bunch of us went to my friend's place in the residence at the college to sleep; there was no way I was going to go home that late, especially drunk. My landlord would probably go crazy and flip out.
Man, that was a fun night. I am sure there will be plenty of others too. I look forward to them.
The only sad part about the whole thing is that I am probably labeled the-shy-and-quiet-girl-who-is-a-lot-more-fun-when-she-is-drunk. Yep. I wish I wasn't so quiet, usually I am fairly outgoing but for some reason it has been hard for me. We'll see. My negative outlook towards school probably doesn't help as I'm always in a more depressed mood when I am in class.
Whatever.
Partying and running. Those are my highs here. They don't really go together.. I am sort of looking forward to the cross country season to be over though.. kind of. Ehhh, maybe not. There is always my half marathon I'll be training for. Hopefully that will go well. I still have to go sign up and pay for that... garblegarblegarble.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
Can I go south for the winter? And maybe stay for a couple winters?
Rachel
Strangely, I think I can sort of relate to the song. 'Don't really want to explain how at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find time to write about it later.
I didn't want to come home today. Home. I guess it's not really home, I don't feel good when I am here. All I do is sit around, watch T.V. and go on the computer. I've done barely any homework when I have more then enough time.
Argh. I really don't want to be in school. Really. Really, really. If I wasn't running for the school, I think I would seriously be considering dropping out. I am not a good student. At all. I slack off, procrastinate and am just plain lazy. I've missed a decent amount of classes already and have failed to hand in numerous assignments so far. I've also missed 3 quizzes. This sure isn't the way to start my first year of college. Also, if I continue on this path, I can't see myself running next year because they will cut me from the team for not keeping my grades up (they being the athletic directors and faculty) . Academics take priority over athletics, always.
It's depressing. Really, it is. And disappointing. What if I did drop out? I know my classmates would probably be disappointed. I know my family would probably be disappointed. People I met this summer while working would be disappointed. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I can't run away, I can't get out of it. I don't want to try. Fuck.
My friend still hasn't talked to me. I'm just hoping to run into him at school.. but at the same time, I'm not. I've gotten some advice from another friend to just give him time and space, which I am doing; I haven't texted or called him in about two days. It just makes me sad. I wonder if he's sad, or maybe he's just trying to forget me and pretend nothing ever happened. His hoodie that he lent me is still sitting on my chair.
I miss him.
Wednesday. Wednesday was crazy. I skipped school on Wednesday, then went out to my first bar here in the city with my classmates at around 9:00PM. We didn't have a class until 3:00PM on Thursday. I can't remember how late I stayed up 'til, but I was told I crashed around 1:30-2:00AM. Not going to lie, I had a blast, even though my drinking was still a bit over the top, which I was trying to control. Well, sort of. Yeah, I had so much fun, I think everyone did. Of course, I danced. A lot. My friends said I danced pretty much all night. I was taught the Two Step and was told I was pretty good at it. A bunch of us went to my friend's place in the residence at the college to sleep; there was no way I was going to go home that late, especially drunk. My landlord would probably go crazy and flip out.
Man, that was a fun night. I am sure there will be plenty of others too. I look forward to them.
The only sad part about the whole thing is that I am probably labeled the-shy-and-quiet-girl-who-is-a-lot-more-fun-when-she-is-drunk. Yep. I wish I wasn't so quiet, usually I am fairly outgoing but for some reason it has been hard for me. We'll see. My negative outlook towards school probably doesn't help as I'm always in a more depressed mood when I am in class.
Whatever.
Partying and running. Those are my highs here. They don't really go together.. I am sort of looking forward to the cross country season to be over though.. kind of. Ehhh, maybe not. There is always my half marathon I'll be training for. Hopefully that will go well. I still have to go sign up and pay for that... garblegarblegarble.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
Can I go south for the winter? And maybe stay for a couple winters?
Rachel
14.10.09
I don't deserve it.
Skipping morning classes seemed like a good idea, that's why I didn't set my alarm last night. I hardly get enough sleep, it's ridiculous.
But, really, holy smokes. The drama in my life lately has been up and over the roof and it deals mostly with boys.
Oh, quick sidetrack; that Beiber kid, Justin: he annoys me. I don't know if I like his music or not. How old is he, anyways? He looks like he's 12. Taylor Swift is so cute though, I like her music.
I'm currently watching MuchMusic, that's why I am talking about music. Except they are playing some pretty crappy music at the moment. Oh, and Lights annoys me too. I don't see how she got popular.. whatever.
Anyways. I was dating one of my really good friends, 'was' being a key word. We worked together all summer and so at the end of it, we decided to try dating. The only issue was I was moving away for college. The long distance thing just wasn't working for me, so I decided to call it off. He was a bit up upset but he understood. I think we are better as friends, though.
Then there is another guy, who is one of my good friends here in college, and I have no clue what's going on with him. He actually kissed me a couple weeks ago and told me he liked me. He texted me the other night saying that he was giving me the silent treatment but I don't deserve it. When I asked him why he was giving me the silent treatment, he said it was because he was confused with his feelings for me and such. We haven't talked for a while now and I don't really know what to say to him.. what we need to do is meet up and talk, but I have a feeling it might be kind of awkward.
And thennnn, there's another guy who is in all of my classes that took me out for dinner and told me he likes me. At this point, I'm just thinking, "Oh, come on!". Drama drama drama. A bunch of my classmates and I are going out drinking tonight. The third guy I mentioned is going to teach me the Two Step. We'll see how that goes.
Oh yeah. I'm 18 years old now. I guess that's a pretty big thing. On Sunday night, my sister and a bunch of our friends went to a bar and played some pool and then went to a friends house and played poker. I have learned that I need some more self control when it comes to drinking. I need to learn how to limit how much I drink because I usually get to a point where I have drunk so much that I keep drinking whatever is put in front of me. I feel bad because my sister is always babysitting me when we go out, which probably doesn't make it very fun for her... Sorry, Mel.
Eh, I should get to school. 'Gotta get there sometime today, unfortunately.
Rachel
But, really, holy smokes. The drama in my life lately has been up and over the roof and it deals mostly with boys.
Oh, quick sidetrack; that Beiber kid, Justin: he annoys me. I don't know if I like his music or not. How old is he, anyways? He looks like he's 12. Taylor Swift is so cute though, I like her music.
I'm currently watching MuchMusic, that's why I am talking about music. Except they are playing some pretty crappy music at the moment. Oh, and Lights annoys me too. I don't see how she got popular.. whatever.
Anyways. I was dating one of my really good friends, 'was' being a key word. We worked together all summer and so at the end of it, we decided to try dating. The only issue was I was moving away for college. The long distance thing just wasn't working for me, so I decided to call it off. He was a bit up upset but he understood. I think we are better as friends, though.
Then there is another guy, who is one of my good friends here in college, and I have no clue what's going on with him. He actually kissed me a couple weeks ago and told me he liked me. He texted me the other night saying that he was giving me the silent treatment but I don't deserve it. When I asked him why he was giving me the silent treatment, he said it was because he was confused with his feelings for me and such. We haven't talked for a while now and I don't really know what to say to him.. what we need to do is meet up and talk, but I have a feeling it might be kind of awkward.
And thennnn, there's another guy who is in all of my classes that took me out for dinner and told me he likes me. At this point, I'm just thinking, "Oh, come on!". Drama drama drama. A bunch of my classmates and I are going out drinking tonight. The third guy I mentioned is going to teach me the Two Step. We'll see how that goes.
Oh yeah. I'm 18 years old now. I guess that's a pretty big thing. On Sunday night, my sister and a bunch of our friends went to a bar and played some pool and then went to a friends house and played poker. I have learned that I need some more self control when it comes to drinking. I need to learn how to limit how much I drink because I usually get to a point where I have drunk so much that I keep drinking whatever is put in front of me. I feel bad because my sister is always babysitting me when we go out, which probably doesn't make it very fun for her... Sorry, Mel.
Eh, I should get to school. 'Gotta get there sometime today, unfortunately.
Rachel
5.10.09
The television is killing my brain cells.
I am sure I have watched way too much television, so much that my brain is close to going into a comatose state for a day or two. Not that I wouldn't mind being in that state because it might mean I won't have to go to school tomorrow. Now that I think of it, I will probably be in a comatose state tomorrow anyways due to the lack of sleep I will get tonight. I really should go to bed, but I don't feel like it.
Besides watching television all day and putting around on the internet, I went grocery shopping. I biked about 15 minutes or so to the closest WalMart in the new wet, chilly weather we have been introduced to these past few days and got a wet behind because my bike seat soaked up the rain that accumulated in the morning hours. I didn't really care as I walked through WalMart if I had a wet butt or not because, frankly, I was on a hunt to get what I needed and to get the hell out as fast as I could. Shopping for food isn't something I enjoy. Especially when I have to carry it all on my bike, whose tires' air pressure is probably a little too low. It was a slow, wet bike ride home. At least I got out of the house though.
I have come to realize that my social life sucks right now. Really sucks. I need friends to hang out with, people to get me to leave my cave in the basement and experience the things that college kids need to experience, such as drinking too much alcohol and parties and other stuff college kids like to do. Partying sounds like a blast right now because all I've been doing is sitting around in my room and eating too much food when compared to the amount of physical activity I have done (that's a lot of food, mind you). I am willing to do almost anything if it means being out in the real world and not watching my computer screen or television while laying/sitting on my bed.
Oh, what has my life become?
You know what I miss? The mountains. My sister was blessed with the opportunity to go travel in the mountains today and I felt my heart break. All I see here is coulees and even though they are beautiful and amazing in their own way, the mountains captured my heart first. They won't give it back either, the bastards, and cause me pain whenever I travel away from them and lose sight of them. They are probably starting to become covered in snow about now.. so beautiful in their white sheets of cold, wet precipitation. Man, oh, man.
My 18th birthday is coming up. Six more days. I can't wait to go visit home! This city has lost my interest for the moment and the place where my high school days took place has now opened and entered a soft spot in my heart. I can see the mountains there, the leaves there don't blow to the ground as soon as they turn color, but hang on for about a month (the wind here is unbearable at times), the moose frolic right behind the backyard fence and the river gushes not 200 yards from the backyard. I can run on grass-covered trails in the forest on the hill that provides a view-point over the town. The sound of traffic will be significantly decreased and I imagine I won't hear sirens of any kind while I am there. Seriously, though. I am so excited. My birthday probably won't be anything too exciting though. I won't have time to party and go to the bars or anything. It makes me sad because I would love to go out with my friends I went to high school with and partied with at home!
Aww, my friend just told me about her first kiss. I love those stories, they're so cute. She just made my day. Night. Morning.
I really should go to bed. It's too late (or early) to still be up when I have school to go to in the morning.
I must admit, I enjoyed writing this blog and hope I can write more enjoyable blogs in the future.
Good night!
Rachel
Besides watching television all day and putting around on the internet, I went grocery shopping. I biked about 15 minutes or so to the closest WalMart in the new wet, chilly weather we have been introduced to these past few days and got a wet behind because my bike seat soaked up the rain that accumulated in the morning hours. I didn't really care as I walked through WalMart if I had a wet butt or not because, frankly, I was on a hunt to get what I needed and to get the hell out as fast as I could. Shopping for food isn't something I enjoy. Especially when I have to carry it all on my bike, whose tires' air pressure is probably a little too low. It was a slow, wet bike ride home. At least I got out of the house though.
I have come to realize that my social life sucks right now. Really sucks. I need friends to hang out with, people to get me to leave my cave in the basement and experience the things that college kids need to experience, such as drinking too much alcohol and parties and other stuff college kids like to do. Partying sounds like a blast right now because all I've been doing is sitting around in my room and eating too much food when compared to the amount of physical activity I have done (that's a lot of food, mind you). I am willing to do almost anything if it means being out in the real world and not watching my computer screen or television while laying/sitting on my bed.
Oh, what has my life become?
You know what I miss? The mountains. My sister was blessed with the opportunity to go travel in the mountains today and I felt my heart break. All I see here is coulees and even though they are beautiful and amazing in their own way, the mountains captured my heart first. They won't give it back either, the bastards, and cause me pain whenever I travel away from them and lose sight of them. They are probably starting to become covered in snow about now.. so beautiful in their white sheets of cold, wet precipitation. Man, oh, man.
My 18th birthday is coming up. Six more days. I can't wait to go visit home! This city has lost my interest for the moment and the place where my high school days took place has now opened and entered a soft spot in my heart. I can see the mountains there, the leaves there don't blow to the ground as soon as they turn color, but hang on for about a month (the wind here is unbearable at times), the moose frolic right behind the backyard fence and the river gushes not 200 yards from the backyard. I can run on grass-covered trails in the forest on the hill that provides a view-point over the town. The sound of traffic will be significantly decreased and I imagine I won't hear sirens of any kind while I am there. Seriously, though. I am so excited. My birthday probably won't be anything too exciting though. I won't have time to party and go to the bars or anything. It makes me sad because I would love to go out with my friends I went to high school with and partied with at home!
Aww, my friend just told me about her first kiss. I love those stories, they're so cute. She just made my day. Night. Morning.
I really should go to bed. It's too late (or early) to still be up when I have school to go to in the morning.
I must admit, I enjoyed writing this blog and hope I can write more enjoyable blogs in the future.
Good night!
Rachel
3.10.09
She's gonna' blow.
Emotional stress, physical stress, more mental stress; I've been dealing with it all.
Can I disappear for a few months? Run away for a couple weeks? Hide for a few days?
I am going crazy. All I seem to do is sit in my room all day. Regular classes will be starting up here soon though, so I guess that could be considered a good thing. Although, I am sure it will just add to my frustration. Homework doesn't seem very appealing at the moment.
Tomorrow I think I will go for a long walk. Maybe in the coulees or something. I haven't taken any pictures in the coulees yet, surprisingly. Snow was in the forecast tonight, so I may lose my chance of biking there. I hope I can still bike. Biking is so much better than the bus and much faster than walking.
I also have to go to the store and buy food. Grocery shopping is definitely not one of my favourite things to do.
Thinking about how life might be like is sort of a turnoff at the moment. Why do we go to school? We go to school so we can get a well paying job. Why do we need a well paying job? We need a well paying job so we can buy things that we want and need and to go places we want to go. Sure, the aspect of traveling is exciting, but the idea of working for a long period of time just so you can save up enough money to go travel to some place and spend an even smaller amount of time there and wish you didn't have to go back home and back to work doesn't seem fulfilling to me. (Wow, run on sentence.)
I want to go live somewhere I will love and even if the job may seem weak, it wouldn't matter because I love where I am. Wouldn't that be great? I don't feel like going to school for years and years.. school sucks.
(How mature.)
My body aches. I ran a race today and I now have a new 5km time of 22:20. I am improving every race, although I would like to see my time go down to about 20:00 or so by Nationals. The pressure has been building because I am currently the top Canadian girl on our team and the 4th fastest girl. The top four runners are what get the points that count in the races, so I have to do well. I heard that another girl was going to join our team and she was really fast, but I didn't see her at the race today. She still might come to our next practice then. She sounds like she would be faster than me too.
I love our team. Everyone is so nice; the Kenyans, the guys, the girls, the coaches and the managers. They are amazing. Practice is definitely my highlight every day. No doubt about it.
Ahhh. My bed calls me. My mind is foggy and I am tired...
Good night!
Rachel
Can I disappear for a few months? Run away for a couple weeks? Hide for a few days?
I am going crazy. All I seem to do is sit in my room all day. Regular classes will be starting up here soon though, so I guess that could be considered a good thing. Although, I am sure it will just add to my frustration. Homework doesn't seem very appealing at the moment.
Tomorrow I think I will go for a long walk. Maybe in the coulees or something. I haven't taken any pictures in the coulees yet, surprisingly. Snow was in the forecast tonight, so I may lose my chance of biking there. I hope I can still bike. Biking is so much better than the bus and much faster than walking.
I also have to go to the store and buy food. Grocery shopping is definitely not one of my favourite things to do.
Thinking about how life might be like is sort of a turnoff at the moment. Why do we go to school? We go to school so we can get a well paying job. Why do we need a well paying job? We need a well paying job so we can buy things that we want and need and to go places we want to go. Sure, the aspect of traveling is exciting, but the idea of working for a long period of time just so you can save up enough money to go travel to some place and spend an even smaller amount of time there and wish you didn't have to go back home and back to work doesn't seem fulfilling to me. (Wow, run on sentence.)
I want to go live somewhere I will love and even if the job may seem weak, it wouldn't matter because I love where I am. Wouldn't that be great? I don't feel like going to school for years and years.. school sucks.
(How mature.)
My body aches. I ran a race today and I now have a new 5km time of 22:20. I am improving every race, although I would like to see my time go down to about 20:00 or so by Nationals. The pressure has been building because I am currently the top Canadian girl on our team and the 4th fastest girl. The top four runners are what get the points that count in the races, so I have to do well. I heard that another girl was going to join our team and she was really fast, but I didn't see her at the race today. She still might come to our next practice then. She sounds like she would be faster than me too.
I love our team. Everyone is so nice; the Kenyans, the guys, the girls, the coaches and the managers. They are amazing. Practice is definitely my highlight every day. No doubt about it.
Ahhh. My bed calls me. My mind is foggy and I am tired...
Good night!
Rachel
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