Watching the Vampire Diaries' newest episode introduced me to a really good song. It's a beautiful, simple tune with piano and guitar called Down by Jason Walker.
Strangely, I think I can sort of relate to the song. 'Don't really want to explain how at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find time to write about it later.
I didn't want to come home today. Home. I guess it's not really home, I don't feel good when I am here. All I do is sit around, watch T.V. and go on the computer. I've done barely any homework when I have more then enough time.
Argh. I really don't want to be in school. Really. Really, really. If I wasn't running for the school, I think I would seriously be considering dropping out. I am not a good student. At all. I slack off, procrastinate and am just plain lazy. I've missed a decent amount of classes already and have failed to hand in numerous assignments so far. I've also missed 3 quizzes. This sure isn't the way to start my first year of college. Also, if I continue on this path, I can't see myself running next year because they will cut me from the team for not keeping my grades up (they being the athletic directors and faculty) . Academics take priority over athletics, always.
It's depressing. Really, it is. And disappointing. What if I did drop out? I know my classmates would probably be disappointed. I know my family would probably be disappointed. People I met this summer while working would be disappointed. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I can't run away, I can't get out of it. I don't want to try. Fuck.
My friend still hasn't talked to me. I'm just hoping to run into him at school.. but at the same time, I'm not. I've gotten some advice from another friend to just give him time and space, which I am doing; I haven't texted or called him in about two days. It just makes me sad. I wonder if he's sad, or maybe he's just trying to forget me and pretend nothing ever happened. His hoodie that he lent me is still sitting on my chair.
I miss him.
Wednesday. Wednesday was crazy. I skipped school on Wednesday, then went out to my first bar here in the city with my classmates at around 9:00PM. We didn't have a class until 3:00PM on Thursday. I can't remember how late I stayed up 'til, but I was told I crashed around 1:30-2:00AM. Not going to lie, I had a blast, even though my drinking was still a bit over the top, which I was trying to control. Well, sort of. Yeah, I had so much fun, I think everyone did. Of course, I danced. A lot. My friends said I danced pretty much all night. I was taught the Two Step and was told I was pretty good at it. A bunch of us went to my friend's place in the residence at the college to sleep; there was no way I was going to go home that late, especially drunk. My landlord would probably go crazy and flip out.
Man, that was a fun night. I am sure there will be plenty of others too. I look forward to them.
The only sad part about the whole thing is that I am probably labeled the-shy-and-quiet-girl-who-is-a-lot-more-fun-when-she-is-drunk. Yep. I wish I wasn't so quiet, usually I am fairly outgoing but for some reason it has been hard for me. We'll see. My negative outlook towards school probably doesn't help as I'm always in a more depressed mood when I am in class.
Whatever.
Partying and running. Those are my highs here. They don't really go together.. I am sort of looking forward to the cross country season to be over though.. kind of. Ehhh, maybe not. There is always my half marathon I'll be training for. Hopefully that will go well. I still have to go sign up and pay for that... garblegarblegarble.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
Can I go south for the winter? And maybe stay for a couple winters?
Rachel
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