I feel like it should have been me.

It's kind of amazing the things we do in life, the choices we make. We wonder why we make them, how we made them.. think about how things would be if we didn't make those choices.

But you know, there's nothing you can do once the choices you made are made. All you can do is roll with the consequences. Yeah, you'll probably regret making your decision.. decisions, but you just have to move on. Somethings will be easier to forget than others. You might wish to forget, and sometimes you will be able to. Other times, you know you won't be.

I'm not one to give much advice. I'm usually the one who seeks it out, who feels like I need it to get through the stupid shit I do. But every once in a while, yeah, I know that I'm in a position where I need to be the one to give it. Where someone is seeking out advice from me and I need to be there to give it.

No one said life was a breeze. No one said anything was easy. But you know what, sometimes we make it harder than it really is. Or maybe it is hard to deal with, but if we push on hard enough, we can make it easy to deal with. Sometimes we feel like we don't want to deal with it or we want it to be hard to deal with because it finally gives us something to be down about, to be sad and depressed or upset. Because feeling that way makes us feel human, makes us feel alive. Sometimes we need to feel like life is hard so we don't feel so fake, so we don't feel like life is so damn easy, like it's 2-D.

I believe we need to go through the hard times, it helps us learn about life. And fuck, do we have a lot to learn about life. It's so damn complex, it's amazing. Half the time, people go through it and don't even realize what they're missing. I think these people are the ones that live the sheltered lives, protected from all the things that could make one become.. "bad", I guess? Maybe that isn't exactly what I'm trying to say.. ha. People need to experience things. Sheltered lives, I think, are not good for people. We need to experience things for ourselves so we can grow as a person, gain knowledge that will get us farther in life than our parents can get us. We need to experience the hurt, the pain, so we know how to help others through it. It's all a part of life that we should have to deal with.

I was told that my mother thinks there's something wrong with me. My own mother. Yeah, right now I'm not looking too far into anything she's saying so I'm not letting it bother me too much. But that though is sticking in my mind, just as a reminder that maybe my life has become a bit more.. complex than what other's might like. It gives me the satisfaction that I'm making choices that even though they're not up to the expectations of others, of my parents, but it's making me into a woman who maybe isn't quite 2-D. There's going to be more to me than maybe others might think or expect, especially coming from the family I come from and after being raised by the parents I have.

There's some things we do that we can do absolutely nothing to take it back, to change our situation that came about as a result of what we did. And we just have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But what you decide to do with that decision, it's completely up to you. Someone very important and special to me told me this: "You're going to have to make you're decisions for you because you're the one who's going to have to live with it. In the end, when everyone else is gone, you're going to be stuck with you and it's you who you're going to have to deal with." (Probably not exactly what was said, but it was along those lines.)

You know what you need to do to carry on. Whether you want to do what you know you need to do, well, it's your choice to do it or not. You need make your decisions and choices for you.

Just remember I love you.

Illusion never changed into something real.

I dreamed last night that there was a girl who had watched myself, my sister and some of our friends and would sketch us. Her sketches looked like photographs, they were so accurate and amazing. I guess they wouldn't be sketches, more drawings or something.
There was one of me and I was standing in a corner where two brick walls met and there was a door. I was leaning on the closed door, looking at my feet. I was wearing a black jacket, converse shoes and a white t-shirt with jeans.

I looked sad and alone.

Yesterday, I put my relationship with my boyfriend on hold. I feel like shit for doing what I did to him. He was so uptight and frustrated and it broke my heart. I handled everything like an immature kid. Teenager. Irresponsible. It made me sad.

"You're one of my best friends.."
"You were my best friend. ____ (his friend he has had since high school, his best guy friend) came second to you."

Jesus fucking christ. Afterward I drove around town, got pulled over by the cops for expired registration (no ticket, thankfully) and then I headed out of town. I tried to drive to a lake that I've been to several times to take pictures, but I was too tired to drive that far. I got as far as a river crossing, where the concrete turns to gravel and pulled up beside the bridge, texted my dad where I was and curled up on the bench seat of my truck and fell asleep.
I woke up to my sister rapping on my window. She had come with my parents to bring me home. My dad drove my truck as I fell asleep in the back of my parents vehicle. I was so worn out.. I went straight to bed when I got home. I called in sick this morning for work.
I feel like a horrible piece of shit.
But maybe I'm over reacting. Who knows.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm a mess-up. The past few months have been so weird, and they're only going to get worse as I start to get my shit for college together.

Yeah.
Just sayin'.

I walk dead or alive.

So I would consider myself pretty much recovered from my incident. Kind of. Being placed in the mobile shop has been great, I love it there. The pace is so slack, I find myself being bored more than busy. My main duty is to clean all the mud and grease that has been building on the loaders for the past 9 months with a pressure washer. By the end of the day, a lot of the mud and grease that was originally on the loader has been sprayed onto me. It's an extremely dirty job, but I love it. It takes about.. 7 hours a loader? Roughly? Yeah, time goes by pretty fast in the wash bay when you're doing that job, so it's all good.
Being the only girl in the shop is cool, all the guys give me a hard time, but it's all in good fun. They're all nice to me, so there are no problems. When I'm not cleaning a loader, I'm usually just doing general clean-up around the shop or cleaning out trucks. Or painting. Man, I hate painting. It's the most boring job and where I'm painting, I'm always in the dust of semi trucks driving by. And in the sun. I'm surprised I haven't burned my arms or neck more. It gets bloody hot sometimes, though.

The only issues I still have with the whole incident is when I hear or walk through the planer, where the incident happened. The planer is across the yard from the shop and there are usually lifts of wood blocking the sound and sight of the planer but one afternoon, I suddenly realized that there was no more lifts in the yard and I could hear the familiar sounds of the machinery of the planer.. it seemed to stop me dead in the shop for a little bit. I could feel my heart racing and I could feel myself start to panic. Someone talking over the radio snapped me out of the trace but not without startling me pretty good. Walking through the planer was pretty bad, I just put my head down and shot straight through the building. I luckily don't have to deal with that place much, but when I do, it's still tough. Talking about the incident gets me a little uptight, but not like it used to.

Now that all that has been settled in my mind, of course other shit comes up. There's always something that has to make my mind go into overdrive.
Things with my boyfriend has been getting a little tiresome for me.. I don't think I'm quite ready for a relationship like what he is wanting. We've been dating for about 4 months now and he's already saying I'm the love of his life? Sure, maybe he is seriously that in love with me.. but that's pretty steep. And it scares the hell out of me. I'm only 18.. and I don't want to be thinking about settling down at all. I know for a fact that I'm not ready.
We've also been running into problems with my drinking.. the last couple times we go out and drink socially, I usually end up taking off somewhere. There was quite the incident at a wedding two nights ago.. I left the wedding and went to a friends house. My cousin got yelled at by everyone for letting me leave and she started crying. I was really upset that they were getting angry and chewing her out for something I did. Everyone apologized to her and felt bad about it, but it still upsets me.
With my boyfriend, I've been kind of distancing myself.. I may be happy to see him at first but after spending a bit of time with him, I'm usually in a distant mood.. not really mad, but almost annoyed? Not quite sure, but as a friend put it, I don't think I'm ready to have to answer to anyone just yet about what I do and everything. I know you have to work to make relationships work, but I just don't think I'm ready to be in that mind frame yet. And with a relationship, there should be a certain amount of ease as well.
I don't know.
I haven't talked to him much since the wedding at all. Haven't heard or said anything to him all day today. Yesterday, everyone seemed pretty upset about what I did at the wedding and I was feeling quite shitty. So I went for a drive by myself out west, something I love doing. I drove through the foothills to where you're not quite in the Rockies, but it's pretty damn close. The road is a small, gravel road that winds through the valleys and up and down the small, treed mountains. It's so beautiful out there, everything is so green right now. There were lots of wild flowers; Tiger Lillies and my favourite, Indian Paintbrushes. I picked some and brought them home and they're sitting in a vase on the kitchen table.

Anyways. Yeah, things are going.. maybe not too well, but it's going. We'll see what happens.

Rachel

I could really use a wish right now.

I've never felt so mentally messed up in my entire life.. so mentally unstable.

Dealing with this incident has been one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. I don't get it, I can't take it.
I wish it would just all go away, that it never happened.

Sometimes I feel like I'm okay, like it was nothing. Then someone might mention it or talk about the mill and it'll set me off; I'll either start weeping or maybe I'll just be depressed. Yesterday I got depressed and cleaned my whole room to keep my mind busy. And believe me, you, it needed a clean. I could barely get to my bed or see any carpet. I hadn't even fully unpacked from Central America. Clothes everywhere. It took me two to three hours to clean it.
The day before I was good most of the day; I spend it at Cody's house and I helped out with the supper that his mom was organizing and inviting people over for. I was pretty happy until the incident was mentioned and I had to go take a minute in the garage.. Cody came and comforted me and tried to cheer me up. I only needed a moment to organize myself, I was fine for the rest of the evening. We went to a campground out west beside a river where we could watch the sun set behind the mountains. It was really nice.
The day before that, I weeped in Cody's car after Cody, Melissa and I came back from Olds. The incident wasn't really mentioned.. just talking about the mill. But it was enough to make my mind switch over to the thoughts of the incident and send me into tears.

I was ready to go to work today. On Thursday, I was sure I heard them say that I could work elsewhere on site other than the place where the incident occurred. I thought I wouldn't be stuck there because I was uncomfortable there.
When I arrived on site, I was nervous.. of course I would be, I wasn't expecting myself to be completely fine with going to work. I walked into the building and was standing with a supervisor as he was looking over the installation of some new conveyor belts. I was feeling alright until they turned on the belts and chains... my heart started racing and the belts were running so fast. I went and sat in the supervisors office until they were ready to talk to me. I was so uptight that they scared me and I jumped when the three people came in to talk. I was only to become even more uptight as the meeting went on.

They told me that I'd continue working at this sector and they'd have me job shadow another employee; I wasn't to touch any tools or equipment but watch and write down the hazards of the jobs I would be doing. By this point I could already feel the pressure of tears in my eyes.. this was the very news I had been dreading all weekend. Never did I want to work there and I obviously wasn't wanting to continue to stay there. It took a lot to keep from crying in that room as I listened to how they expected me to go back to the wrapper and where I got pinned sometime this week. They have installed quite a bit of safety catches now and have replaces chains and everything, but I was ready to get up and walk out.. if there is anything I'm 100% positive about, it's that I don't want to look at that machine again. Fuck that. When the meeting was over and they left me to do some computer safety work, I instantly started texting my dad, who had told me this morning if I needed any help to deal with any of this, just let him know and he'd get involved.

"I don't think I'm ready, Dad. they're keeping me at the planer and they were telling me that they'll keep me at the front end but will take me back there sometime this week but I don't want to go back there again. they were saying that they asked all the operators back there if they feel it's safe and they all agree that it is and I feel like something is wrong with me because I had the accident and somehow made it unsafe and I feel like I'm the only one and that something is wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I can't help it. they left me in the office to do traccess but I don't want to be here."

At this point the tears started to fall. Then one of my supervisors came in and saw I was turned away from the windows and hunched in my chair. He asked if I was alright and I started sniffling and hiccuping and shook my head. I attempted to tell him that I wasn't ready to do any of it and I just ended up crying. He listened as I choked out that the conveyors and chains were making me nervous and that I didn't want to go back to the wrapper or deal with the front end. I asked for my other supervisor (I feel more comfortable with the other supervisor, I met him outside of work so I guess I know him a bit better?). He ended up bringing the site superintendent for the whole mill and he sat down with me and told me that if I'm not comfortable with the moving equipment, then maybe this job at the mill isn't right for me.

You fucking asshole. You guys kept telling me it was your fault the whole safety incident happened (not fixing the chains sooner, not properly training me, etc.) and therefore it's your fucking fault that I'm not comfortable around the conveyors and chains and now you're trying to tell me I should just quit because it's no longer convenient for you to keep me employed there? I was fine, just fine around the equipment before I almost got crushed at your stupid fucking mill.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't say a word as he said this and said that I should go home and think about what I wanted to do and they'd call me in the morning to see what I decide. So I got my stuff and went to my truck where I threw my hard hat (actually threw it) into the passenger side and ripped my safety glasses off and threw them too. I started crying really hard and called my mom. She could barely understand me, but was pretty upset when she heard what happened and what they were telling me; it wasn't fair at all. She told me to come home and we'd discuss it more then. I had stopping crying by the time I got home, but I started right back up again once I walked into the door and into my mom's arms.

"It's not fair, all they see is a crying girl and don't want to deal with it.. You're my tough cookie, I know it's hard, but you'll get through this.."

We sat on the couch and talked and then my dad phoned and we talked with him. He had been talking with everyone at the mill since he got my text. I guess they're not realizing how much this whole incident has affected me mentally and was expecting me to be able to work right away. My mom also talked to a counselor and set up a time for me to go in on Wednesday.. I don't really like the idea of having to go see a counselor. It's something to prove that I actually need help to get over this. She called the doctors office too to see if we could get a doctors note so I could get a paid leave for this week, so I wouldn't have to go into work until after at least one session with the counselor.

I'm not too sure how many people realize how bad this whole thing has been affecting my mind. I can sleep pretty solid.. I've gotten over the whole shock of the situation... but I can't even explain why I feel like this. Part of me wants to say I don't even know why I am still so mentally affected. It's all so.. messed up. This whole thing is so messed up.

About three hours later, the site superintendent phoned and said they had a different position for me to work on site: they could stick me into the mechanic's shop washing equipment for the mechanics so they don't have to work on dirty, muddy equipment. They hired a summer person for it last year, but overlooked it this year. It's the same wage and everything and it wasn't the planer, so of course I accepted it. He asked if I could come in this afternoon but I said I was going to the doctors.. so I'll be starting tomorrow morning. I don't think I could stand going back to the mill today. I feel so sick and tired of being pushed around that place.

I can understand where the employers are coming from.. they needed someone to fill in a position and they ended up with a safety incident in supposedly the safest part of the mill. (That hurt to hear them say that: I was in a safety incident in the safest part of the whole mill. I feel like something is wrong with me..) They needed someone to work there and it's not working out. But, fuck me, I feel like chopped liver now. They sure haven't made me feel all nice and warm inside. They seemed to really care about it up until I said I don't feel comfortable enough to work in the planer anymore. 'Oh, then maybe this isn't the right place for you to work, it you're not comfortable around the equipment..'. Jesus! I can never seem to win, can I?

Is it too much to ask to get a decent paying job for the summer?

Why couldn't I just stay at my first placement? I want to go back so bad. So bad.

Hopefully this third placement will work out okay. If it doesn't.. I'm out of there for good.

life deals out the blows and sometimes it's just too hard to take.

It's strange, the things that can happen to us. That do happen to us. Sometimes you'd never expect some things to happen to you, you just hear about them happening to other people.

I was involved in a safety incident at the lumber mill I am working at. It left me scared and uncomfortable to be around certain equipment and beating myself up for what happened. The thing is, I was moved from one part of the mill to a different part after almost a month of training and getting accustomed to my first placement. I didn't want to be moved and no one thought it was a good idea. It made sense to move me when it came to the organizational side of things due to pieces of machinery and employees being moved around the site, but it just didn't seem like it would be a good idea to begin with.

Now I wish it never happened.

It was my first day at the new sector of the plant. Hell, I never even made it through a full quarter of a shift. I was wrapping a lift of lumber, I think they were 2x4's.. maybe 10' long boards, a fairly large lift. It takes two people to wrap each lift, one on either side of it and it comes in on a set of chains. The chains are about waist high off the ground, give or take, and you can barely see the other person on the other side of the lift if you look over it. Anyways, I had been watching the girl I was following around that day as she was showing me how to wrap and staple the lifts. She did quite a few and then asked if I wanted to give it a go. I said I would, it looked easy enough.

The thing about this sector of the plant is that the pace of production is quite a bit faster than the sector I was at previously. The place where the wood is cut and sorted puts out tons and tons of boards so fast, this new place I was at has to try and keep up, so the pace is going to be quicker too. I guess I was trying to be quick.. trying not to be the slow rookie. I stapled about 3 lifts before the incident happened.

The lift came in on the chains and the wrapping was draped over it, like every other lift before it. The chains rolled the lift forward down the line as the wrapping was cut and three of us were straightening the wrap and working on getting it stapled down. With trying to keep up with production, people start stapling the wrap down before the lift even stops, so we kept working. Only this lift wasn't stopping.

I reached around the end of the lift, the end that would be the closest to the opening in the wall where the lifts roll out of the building on the chains, to staple the wrap down. I didn't wait for the lift to stop and wasn't aware of how close it was getting to the opening. The opening is framed with steel and it's just big enough for a lift to pass through, maybe half a foot space between a lift and the frame.. and I got pinned between the two.

It seemed to go in slow motion. I got pushed back into the frame and when I tried to get out, I found I couldn't move. But the lift was still going and the pressure on my chest increased. I gave out a bit of a holler at first. Then the pressure really increase and I cried out. My rib cage was being compressed and I was panicking.. I could feel my ribs bending in. I couldn't have been stuck there more than 2 seconds, luckily the others reversed the chains and lift after they heard my cry. I stumbled backwards as the lift moved back and the girl I was following around came and asked if I was okay. Two others were there and another girl came as well. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, but was feeling physically fine, just a bit of an ache in the center of my chest. No ribs broken or anything.. but I was hurting mentally.

"Are you okay?" "Are you hurt?"

"I think I'm okay.. just freaked out.."

"Here, sit down for a bit." "We have to report this." "You sure you're okay?"

I sat down on some boxes as they finished stapling the lift. I started thinking about what just happened to me. I looked up and saw where I was pinned and grew sick to my stomach. I started shaking all over and my eyes welled up with tears and I started to weep. Leaning over with my head in my hands, I started thinking about how I could have just been crushed into a small gap between a lift of lumber and a steel metal frame, a space where a person wouldn't even think about trying to get through normally.

We went to the supervisors office and explained what just happened. Well, she did the talking, I stood there until I started weeping and sniffling again and they had me sit down. They decided to shut down the area until they could figure out why the chains didn't stop. We went to the lunch room where the girl and I sat for about 15 minutes as I tried to calm down.. it came in waves; we'd be talking and then there would be a silence, which is when I'd start thinking about what happened and the 'what if..?'s and the tears would flow and I'd start hiccuping from trying too hard not to cry.

What if the chains were going so fast that I wouldn't have had the time to cry out?

What if I had been dragged into that gap and crushed?

What if the lift didn't stop?

What if the other workers hadn't heard me or reacted as fast as they did?

What if I hadn't been able to walk away from the incident on my own two legs?

Over the next half hour, the supervisors would come in and out of the lunch room to check on me. A first aid attendant came in to make sure I didn't have any major injuries.

No, there wasn't any visible bruising.
No, there is no marks from my Carhartt buckles being pressed into my chest.
No, my back doesn't hurt, just my chest.
No, it doesn't hurt to lift my arms above my head.
Yes, it hurts a little bit to breathe.
Yeah, it hurts a little when I do that, but not as bad when I do this.

Then I started to cry.

It was so overwhelming. They left me by myself for a little bit. I started to hyperventilate a little.. my thoughts were too much for me to take. My supervisor came in and took me to his office and I tried so hard not to cry. I couldn't do it. I just buried my head into my arms to hide my face.

"I just keep thinking about it...
What if the lift hadn't have stopped?"

"Rachel, if there is anything I want you to know right now, it's that this whole thing wasn't your fault. We didn't have the proper training for you and are going to start working on that right away, just like we're working on the wrapper right now and installing photo eyes to stop the chains when someone gets too close to the opening..."


I ended up getting a ride home from a supervisor. My truck was left sitting in the parking lot at the mill for the night. I started feeling better as soon as we left the site but once I entered the house, I collapsed in the entryway and cried. Hard. I can't remember the last time I've cried that much. And for that long.

The incident happened at around 11:00 - 11:30AM. I cried on and off until about 6:00PM. I called Cody and he came over and stayed until my dad arrived. Both work at the lumber mill. My dad was upset. He didn't find out about the incident until 3 hours afterward and he figured it out himself based on a conversation he overheard between two electricians during a smoke break.

"Yeah, it was a girl in a green hard hat. I have never seen her around before, she must be new."

When my supervisor came to him, he told him what happened, starting out with "Rachel is okay, she's fine". Dad was pissed when they didn't come to him sooner and when they didn't tell his own supervisor what happened. The news spread throughout the whole plant pretty fast. The area it happened was shut down and they instantly started installing safety catches and thinking of ways to prevent something like this from happening again. E-mails were sent to all the superintendents and supervisors, but no one told my dad's supervisor that it was his employee's daughter that was involved in the incident, he found out after my dad found out and told him. Dad got his permission to come home early so he could be with me. He called me first, and I told him over the phone what had went down. I started crying. Cody held me as I cried and I was crying for about a half hour. When my dad walked through the door and Cody left, I started crying all over again and Dad held me and he talked to me about what was happening at the mill and his story about how he found out and I told him how I kept thinking about it.

"I can't take it.. I keep thinking about it... what if the lifts didn't stop?"

"That's the dangerous thing about the psyche. You can't let yourself think about those 'what if..?'s and get yourself in that place. Nothing major happened and you just have to be thankful it wasn't any worse than it was."

He called my mom. I should have called her earlier.. don't know why I didn't. He told her that I was involved in a safety incident at the mill that could have been worse than it was but that I was fine, just sore.

"Your daughter was involved in a safety incident at the mill that could have resulted in her being.. worse than hurt..."

Worse than hurt. Those words have stuck with me more than others. Imagine your father telling your mother that their child (you) were in an incident where you could have been "worse than hurt". What, injured?

Dead?

Sure, I guess it could have been fatal, if you really think about it. Just sayin'. My body would have been crushed if it were forced into that gap. My chest is hurting the most right over my heart. Broken ribs could have resulted in punctured lungs.. crushed heart and internal organs... yes, these thoughts have crossed my mind. Maybe my back would have been snapped. Paralysis? Possible.

Fuck..

I went to the hospital last night to get my chest looked at. The prognosis was bruised muscles between the ribs, nothing more. This incident didn't leave too much physical damage. But as I said before, I'm still hurting. It's just in the mind.

I'm getting used to the morbid thoughts, I guess. It's haunting, but what else can I do? I've talked about it with my parents, my supervisors, and this morning I told some people really high up in the mill about it for the investigation reports. I started crying and so they drove me home again. My poor truck is still sitting in the parking lot. I get the weekend to recover some more and then I'll go in Monday and we'll see where it goes from there.

I've thought about quitting, but this job pays so well, I don't think I could afford it. My mom is saying I should face my fears and try and move on.

"You're tough and you don't cry often, you can get through this... hang in there!"

My dad is saying that if I don't feel safe to work there, then I need to act based on that. If I don't feel comfortable working there, then I won't be a safe worker. I'd be worrying all the time and I wouldn't be able to keep my mind on the job like I need to. It's more my choice than anything, no one can make it for me. I think they might move me somewhere else on Monday, they can see that I don't want to stay there. I told them I'm no longer comfortable working in that part of the mill. Hell, I never wanted to go there in the first place.

Melissa has been mostly silent, she hasn't really asked me anything about it. I'm pretty sure my dad told her pretty much everything and more. I think he likes to vent to her about me, her being my twin and all. This morning, when I went into the bathroom that I share with her to get ready to go into work, I found a message/picture on the mirror from her written in lipstick. It was the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine" and a little insider note underneath it. It made me cry for a minute, it really meant a lot. I'm sure she knows I'm hurting and I think she's hurting a bit too. (Love you, Nadia.)
And I was a bit surprised to find out that my brother in Vancouver didn't hear about it yesterday. I realized it when I tweeted a little blurb about it this afternoon and he was asking what happened.. I guess that's what happens when he lives a province over?

But falling asleep last night was difficult. I kept picturing me in different accidents and incidents and the results were me being crushed by wood. When I did fall asleep, I'd wake up due to my chest aching. It hurts to inhale and exhale and different movements set it off too. When I lie down, it feels like there is something heavy sitting on/in my chest.

Sometimes I ask myself, and I've even asked others, if I am over-reacting. Of course everyone I ask say I'm not.. but sometimes I feel like I am. And I feel that I should have known better.. Why didn't I wait for the lift to stop? I feel like it was my fault, even though I've been told so many times that it wasn't.

"It wasn't your fault... We're not looking for anyone to blame here, just trying to figure out what happened and doing all that we can to prevent it from occurring again.."

This isn't going to be easy for me to get over it, I know that. I know that it hurts every time I think about it. It hurts every time I breathe in and it's a rude reminder.

It's just...
why me?

I will go if you go with me.

Alcohol is an amazing thing.
'Kind of ridiculous, actually. I'm fairly disappointed of how it affected me this long weekend when I went out camping with Cody and a bunch of his friends. Melissa came out too, but I was pretty far gone by the time she arrived (in other words, I was so drunk I don't remember it). Not good.

All things considering, the weekend was fun. I had a good time, I just wish I wasn't so shy when it came to meeting Cody's friends. I preferred spending a lot of the time in the motor-home. Well, for the first two days, anyways, but by the time I started getting comfortable with everyone, the weekend was practically over and the partying was slowing down.
Good one, Rachel.
Actually, the one night that I probably shouldn't have missed (the night when everyone was having fun and drinking), I had drank so much that afternoon that I had passed out before things started getting exciting. Yeah. Smooth.
But I did enjoy the weekend! I got to spend time with Cody (always a good thing) and his friends and we did have fun. It was nice to sit and relax around a fire and not work or worry about having to do anything. I shut my phone off and didn't check it all weekend.

Work. Work is work.
I won't say I hate it.. I've had worse jobs, one's that I've disliked more. This job at the mill is just.. tough. I've never worked a work day over 9 hours long and this one is 11.5 hours. Not only is it long, it's pretty laborious too. Being new probably doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure I'll get used to it after a while, but at the moment I am finding it hard to keep up with production. By the end of the day, my mind is mush and I zone out driving home; by the end of my first week, I felt exhausted and slept for about 10 hours straight afterward, even though I've been getting 7+ hours every night that week. It's a bit daunting and I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow morning, but this is the best paying job I could get and I'm sure I'll feel better once I get my first paycheck this Friday.
I hope I don't become the weak little kid on the crew. Not too mention that I'm a girl, that would make things even worse if I couldn't keep up. I don't need to deal with people complaining about me being too slow or something.

Fuuuuck. I need to get some sleep so I'm not stumbling around tomorrow. Yeah, my bed time is around 8-10PM now. Preferably 8:30PM. Around there, anyways. So far, the more sleep, the better.

Rachel

she's tougher than she thinks.

I love bragging about how pretty my sister is.

Fierce © RSP

Mhmm.

stop waiting for Friday. live now.

I hate it when you want to write something and the window just sits open and empty because you can't think of what to write and think that ignoring it for a while might help.
It doesn't.

But check this:
It's a wolfdog. I've been looking at pictures and breeders sites and I want one realllyyyy bad. (You can click the image to go to the website I got it from- this guy has a pack of them and has gorgeous pictures of them!)
So I've decided to get one when I grow up.
I guess they're pretty high maintenance, but I'm pretty sure I'd be willing to put up with that. They're gorgeous animals and I love dogs and wolves, so why not have the mix? Not to mention that I'd love to own such a photogenic breed. Their personalities and behaviors are awesome too, I get excited just thinking about owning one.
Haha.
I also wouldn't mind owning a dog that needs to be active as it would get me out of the house as well. I would love to have a good running partner, I'm sure training one to run with me wouldn't be hard at all.

Anyways.
This weekend I'm helping out running the lights and sound for a dance performance. I'm a bit iffy about this as it's sounding like the lady running the performance has quite high expectations as to how the lighting should look.. and we don't have that much time setting and programing the lights. Kind of annoying, but whatever. Not to mention that I am being talked up as having a really good eye for it all even though I don't think I'm as good at the lights as they are probably thinking. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to give it a shot and hope for the best. There is the rehearsal on Friday, which is when we'll be programing the lights and then two shows on Saturday and one on Sunday.
Man, I prefer drama performances way more than dances. Way more.

Last Sunday (Mother's Day), I woke up at 4:00AM and left the house by 4:45AM and drove out west in hopes of taking pictures of the sunrise with some mountains. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the Beast and the attendant there was curious as to what I was up to so early in the morning. Pretty sure he thought I was crazy since it was really overcast that morning and didn't look like there would be much to see. There wasn't, in town, but once I started heading west, the clouds started thinning and soon enough there wasnt' barely any clouds in the sky and the sun was able to coat the snow-covered mountains with a pink/orange light (the one picture on the very right hand margin of the page- 6:08AM- was taken that morning). It was an awesome morning. I saw a Skunk, several Coyotes, a herd of wild horses and a fair share of Elk. The flats in Ya Ha Tinda was gorgeous, the frost coated everything and made it all look white and sparkly.
Of course I didn't tell anyone I was going out there. I made the decision to go the night before and set an alarm on my phone and iPod, but didn't think of leaving a note or something for anyone who woke up and found me gone.
Silly me.
But I was back in time to wish my momma a Happy Mother's Day before heading off to church with the family at 9:30AM. I had left a card and gift on the table for her when she woke up, though.

Yeahhh. I still haven't been officially hired at the mill. It's pissing me off, but apparently they want to hire me, they just haven't found a place to put me. I guess the planer is full, which I'm kind of glad to hear because I haven't heard anything good about working at the planer. But a job would be nice right now.
At least I'm being paid $15/hour for this lighting gig.

My work-out regime is going... okay. I'm not losing really any weight. Well, scale-wise. I've been getting more toned, I guess, so I suppose I'm just losing fat and gaining muscle. I would like to lose the weight, though. I still have about 3 and a half months... but I need to really start working at it. Yesterday my sister and I went out for a run and we beat out previous times on the route. It was awesome, but I felt really weird afterward. I think I wasn't hydrated enough or something. But for not running and working-out much for the past week, I did pretty damn good. I'm thinking about running the hill today. It's probably best if I do.
Ugh, I hate worrying about my physical appearance. It's tiring and I always feel down about it. I can't remember the last time I was really satisfied with how I looked because no matter what I look like or what people tell me, I always think I am too fat or something. It's degrading.

Holy shmokes. I was worried that I lost this post when my computer battery suddenly died. Oh jeez.

I guess I should get ready for the day and actually accomplish something today.
I'm going to brush my Bud today. He's due for a good brushing. I'm going to take him for a swim afterward too. And take pictures of him, I haven't done that lately.
Good times.

Rachel

Oh. Shit, can't take him for a swim... apparently there's a bear in the river reserve and my folks are forbidding me from going down there. Boo.

life is beatiful.

I love the song Life Is Beautiful by Sixx AM. It's awesome. A bit depressing, I guess, but I like it.

This weekend I spent the whole weekend with Cody (my bf, yo) and had a blast. I love being at his house and visiting with his family and I always have an awesome time hanging out with him. He's such a sweet guy. Yeahhhh, but we went to they gym (we practically go everyday, we're pretty good work-out buddies) and we watched movies and we shopped for things for the motor home and went back and worked on the motor home.

What's the motor home, you ask? Allow me to show you:
I know, right? It's quite the machine. Cody has a bunch of stuff planned for it and there's a lot of work to do, but we're both realllyyyy excited to work on it and get it all 'pimped' up. I guess I'm not the best person to help him work on it as I don't know much about wiring or anything to do with the engine and shit like that, but he's teaching me stuff as we go along and I help him out with whatever I can. It's got a wicked engine in it though, the idle sounds like it belongs to a muscle car and it's got quite a lot of power. I think it's got a 350? 360? engine in it. One of the two, haha. Ahh, man. I've got a lot to learn.

Well, I haven't heard from the mill as to whether I got the job or not. I went and wrote my aptitude test on Friday, that was pretty easy. I'm hoping to hear from them this week, sometime. I reallyyyy need the money, haha. Being flat-out broke sucks ass.
Real life sure knows how to kick me in the butt.

I've been doing fairly well with my work-outs. I am going to be running mostly at home this week instead of at the gym, so I'll be working on hills more. I'm noticing weight loss, even though the pounds aren't going down as fast as I'd like. Well, slow weight loss is better than fast, it's easier to keep it off that way.I'm doing the weight-lifting on the weekends, this weekend went a lot better than last weekend! My leg work-out was awesome, it felt really good. I'm getting stronger, so that makes me happy. I can't wait for the fall, though. I miss running with the team soooo much. I've been watching one of my team members run, and it's amazing. Willy Kimosop just won the Toronto Sporting Life 10km yesterday with an impressive lead and finish! He's such an inspiration and I'm sure he's going to go places, maybe the Olympics to represent Canada if he gets his Canadian citizenship. I hope I'll be able to run some of those races someday, I've never ran any big road races yet.

On Saturday, I got together with my friend, Memphis. I don't see her too often now that she moved two hours away. She invited me out riding and I had a lot of fun; I seriously can't remember the last time we both rode together. We went out to a her friend's place where she is keeping her horse. I rode her friend's horse, he is such a sweetie. A big softy. Anyways, I got some good pictures of Memphis and her horse, Freedom. They're doing amazing and look awesome together. She's working on cutting cattle and getting Freedom to be softer on the mouth. Freedom is such a beautiful horse, I love her face and the look she gets when she is listening to Memphis. Check it out:

Well, I guess I should get ready for the day and do something productive. Cody and I are going to the gym tonight and lifting more weights since we didn't go yesterday. He also needs to pick up some paint for the motor home so we'll be painting some of the dash and possibly the front grill tonight.
So excited for that motor home, man.

there is no one alive that is youer than you.

You know what's worse than taking a drug screening test thing?

Not being able to pee when you have to pee in the stupid little cup.

Yes, I'm going to talk about this. Right meow (haha, I said meow) because I had to spend 50 minutes in the stupid clinic drinking about 500000 tiny dixie cups of water and waiting around until I had to go pee. Lucky me, though, I had three hours to wait until I had to go! I wasted two of the sanitary cups and mailing vials because I tried to go when I didn't really have to. But I have to tell you, I felt damn accomplished when I was finally able to go. First ever drug screening test thing: done and done.

I had to take the drug screening test thing and go through a medical exam because of the job I'm trying to get. The lumber mill gets its possible new employees to take the drug screening test thing, go through a medical exam and then write an aptitude test, which I write tomorrow at 9AM, before they actually hire them. I'm thinking I'll have no problems whatsoever, I'm just really wanting to get this job so I have some money flowing through the bank account and so I can pay back the people I owe money to. It's a work-in-progress.

So I'm working on getting back in shape and losing weight for the fall when I'm going to run on the Cross Country team again. I can see that I'm losing weight, but it's such a slow process, it drives me nuts. It seems so easy for the boyfriend to be able to lose the weight he wants (mainly water weight, he says, whatever that means), but it's taking a while for me to drop the pounds. Running is becoming easier, though, so that makes me happy. The other day, I told my sister to beat the time I ran that morning on the 3km loop that we run. She's a bit more fit than I am at the moment (while I was drinking my life away down south, she was actually running and being healthy), so I was expecting her to beat it.

She kicked my ass. She ran it almost 50 seconds faster than me, nearly a minute! That may not seem too much longer, but when it comes to running, seconds mean a lot. Unfortunately, the weather has prevented me from going out and running that loop and trying to beat her new time, but I've been running at the gym so when it does clear up, consider her time beaten. Hopefully. (I'll be severely disappointed in myself if I can't beat it..)

And yeah.

I'm so excited for the fall. Very much so!

you see, I can be myself now, finally; in fact, there's nothing I can't be.

Yeah, life has been a nutty roller coaster so far this year.
It's awesome.

Not only have I been to Central America (visiting the countries Guatemala, Belize and El Salvador) and back, I've also decided to go back and have been accepted to Lethbridge College and take the Exercise Science program. I'm still working on getting residence paperwork completed, but it's looking pretty good! And since coming back, I started dating an amazing guy. He's possibly the sweetest guy I know and we're both really happy! Also in the works is a summer position at the lumber mill just outside town. It's probably the best paying job I'd be able to get here for just the summer, so I'm really hoping I'll be hired. We'll see!

I've been fairly busy, but fairly lazy at the same time. Coming back from Central America was sort of weird, I was able to jump back into life here pretty fast. I got a nasty head cold for about 3-4 days, but that's probably due to the climate change, which was big (going from the really warm and humid to dry and cold). The first real day back was wet, cold and windy; my dog and I got soaked and chilled on our walk when it pretty much started to blizzard on us. Not cool. My stomach has also been acting up from the difference in water and food, but it's getting better. I have medication for that and a pill for Malaria prevention, which I have to take for a minimum of a month after coming home.
It's been nice coming home, though. I was ready. The alcohol and drugs were insane down there and I was ready for a break. I also wanted something to do! A three month vacation without any sort of itinerary is a recipe for eventual boredom. I was going crazy the last two weeks there since we were all getting ready to come home and there wasn't much to do.

I can tell 'ya one thing, though: I sure as hell missed the Rocky Mountains. Haha, a lot. A few days after I got back, I jumped in my good ol' Beast ('86 Chevrolet Silverado - it's a tank and a piece of shit that I just so happen to adore) and went for a nice drive out west. Mountains and pine trees and Canada Geese; it was awesome.

Yeah.
I'm probably going to be posting more now that I'm home again. I was too lazy to post about things while I was down south.. there would have been so much shit!
'Just glad to be home.

And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun, I hear my baby calling my name and I know she is the only one.

Yeah, it's been a fair while, hasn't it?
Well, here's a little update, then!

I'm currently sitting in a hostel in Flores, Guatemala, which is by Lake Petén Itza. It's a beautiful place here, but pretty boring if you have nothing planned or if it's raining, as it is doing now. The hostel has a community area and only part of it is covered. It's really nice, the rain is causing a cool breeze and it feels nice with all the humidity. It's brutally humid here (well, actually, it's not too bad; I'm not used to lots of humidity) and hot. I like the heat, though, and the sun; my tan is coming along quite nicely! I need to work on my legs though, my arms are quite a bit darker than my legs. Wearing pants more than shorts doesn't really help.

Living on the road and out of my backpack is a new and exciting experience for me; I'm loving it so far. I have a small amount of clothing that doesn't even take up half of my backpack, I suppose majority of the space is taken up by books; I packed Anna Karenina and Family Happiness by Leo Tolstoy, Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller, Bambi by Felix Salten (just found that book in Antigua at a used book store- I was so happy!). I think that's all.. but I'm also packing around my laptop and some liquids, towels and other miscellaneous items. The feeling of having all you need on your back is awesome, I love it so much! I love my pack.

Yesterday, my friend and I went to Tikal to see the Mayan ruins. It was fantastic, we climbed three temples and wandered through the jungle. I was happy to hear that Tikal was George Lucas' inspiration for the Ewok's and the bases on Yavin 4 in Star Wars. I could definitely see the resemblance. The whole forest was amazing, it's seemed so tropical and awesome, it was almost fake. It reminded me of the tropical exhibit in the Calgary Zoo, so that's why I was thinking it didn't feel as real. But everything felt old; the stones had different types of moss growing on them and were black with age, all the plants and trees were huge and had long vines hanging off them. We actually saw some Spider Monkey's in the canopy too! And some.. Pizotes? Yeah, they were so cute. Some British guys were calling them Nose Bears. They make cute little chirping noises and it looked like there were three babies and an adult; I wanted to take one home with me. Yeah, Tikal was a great experience! I was waiting for some dinosaurs to come crashing through or something, too; the whole place reminded me of Jurassic Park. Everywhere down here seems to remind me of it!

So far my travels have been great. I love it down here, but I don't think I'll ever feel really comfortable and truly at ease here. Homesickness has been an issue, but I'm getting a lot better. A lot. I'm feeling really comfortable right now, but that's because I'm talking to people from home. We are heading out sometime today, heading out towards the coast, I'm thinking! Hopefully, we really want to see the ocean.
For the past few days, I've been traveling with a girl I met in Antigua through my other friends. She's so nice, I like traveling with her. My one friend that I came down here to be with went to meet a friend of her's and spend some time with him before he left the country, so we split up for a bit. It was okay, we did just fine without her, but at first I wasn't sure if I was comfortable to travel around without her. But we're fine now, we're all back together.

The rain is crazy here. It's awesome. It's snowing back home. Ha. No regrets.

Rachel

I really need to learn Spanish.

Still no sign of my luggage. I'm getting antsy, I need my backpack so we can leave and go see the country!
Stupid airports. I hate flying and security and everything. It's all too stressful.
So I've been wearing the same clothes for about 4 days now. I just bought some new shirts today, though, so I won't smell too bad, ha.

I'm so excited to go backpacking! Me and two friends are planning to go to Rio Dulce and hopefully the Caribbean coast. That would be awesome. Mannn, it's going to be so fucking sweet.
You know, I don't really mind not having my luggage. I've been getting by pretty well without it.

Ha, I don't really know what to talk about. So far my days have been lazy. We slept in until noon and didn't really leave the hostel until 2 in the afternoon. Wandering the city is pretty fun, we walk at such a slow pace, it's awesome. There's no where we have to be in a hurry so we take our time going everywhere.

Oh, exciting news: our hostel just got hot water today. That is bigggg news for us, me and my friend are so excited. The cold showers are so brutal.

But that's all I have time for. I'm at an internet cafe and my battery is dieing. So off I go!

Rachel

Hola.

I don't know why blogging seems like a chore right now, I have more than enough to talk about.
Bahhh. I'm tired. Really tired.

Well, I'm in Antigua, Guatemala! After a very long day of flying, I arrived in Guatemala City at around midnight. I wish I could say the same for my luggage... I have been without my stuff for about two days now. I'm sure it's at the airport now, but I need to get an address and phone the airport so they can deliver it to me. Fuckkk.
But navigating the airports was pretty crazy. Especially LAX. Flying over Los Angeles was insane, I've never seen anything like it; it's HUGE. From the coast to the mountains and beyond, it's amazing. I didn't see much of Mexico City, it was dark and raining when I landed there.
I've been getting by with my lack of Spanish pretty well, luckily. I'm going to be taking Spanish lessons for sure though. I think I was the only one on the flight from Mexico to Guatemala who didn't know any Spanish. The stewardess didn't seem to be very nice though.

It's so different here; everything. The city feels like a movie set and has the feel of a mall. The streets are small and cobble stone and full of tourists. People from all over the world, it's neat.
One thing I like is how people greet each other; guys do this hand shake, it's like a grab and slide then pound the fists together; girls hug and kiss each on the cheek. That's how guys greet girls too, the kiss on the cheek. Everyone is so personal here.
You can also walk around drinking in public. And foreigners usually don't get ID'd either.
Listening outside, I hear birds that I'm not familiar with. I've only seen one bird so far though, it was like a magpie or something but with a solid yellow and navy blue mix and without the long tail. Also there is lots of dogs barking; there's quite a few strays running around. There is a Guatemalan family next door and their kids are cute when they start talking in Spanish. Little Spanish speaking children are the cutest.
I want to go out and take pictures but I can't leave the house; my friend didn't leave the keys before he left to go surfing and so if I left, I couldn't get back in. Smooth. There's three volcanoes that surround Antigua and there's quite a scenery around the city. Bah, I want to go take pictures! Tomorrow, I suppose.
I'm going to move into a hostel with my other friend tonight, I think. I don't like having to depend on my friend to let me in and out because he doesn't have an extra set of keys. And there is only two beds and a hammock so someone is always outside.

Ahh, I want my thinggggs. Clothes that belong to me would be nice instead of wearing guy clothes. I actually wore his deodorant yesterday as well since I didn't have any (I now have lady's deodorant, I didn't like smelling like a man). Also, I would like to shave my legs. I'm wearing shorts and I don't like having fuzzy legs with shorts. Ha. Man, I'm just glad I have my camera and laptop; if I didn't have them then I'd lose it for sure. And all my money.

I miss people back home, though. Even though I wanted to come here so bad, I still miss home. I think it's only natural.
90 days.

Rachel

Only two days left; oh shit.

I leave for Guatemala on Thursday.
Fuck me.
It's very crazy, my body is on the fritz right now- stress has been making me so uptight. Even when I went drinking the other night, I was still feeling stressed; the alcohol didn't seem to help me unwind at all, only exaggerate my stressful moods.
Well, I'm almost there, though.

I booked my flight today, two days before I leave. Leaving that until the last minute was the most stressful thing I did; looking for tickets freaked me out because all the flights were costing at around $1000USD. I lucked out with a $630 flight. That lifted a bunch off of my shoulders.
Packing will be fun with my room being a complete mess. I'll have a bunch to do tomorrow, getting all my shit together.

The airline security going into the US will be a blast with the heightened security measures they're taking. It should be fine, I don't see why I'd have any problems going through customs but it's always stressful going through the checks. They say I can't have any carry-on bags, but I can take my laptop, and camera. Can I take it in a backpack then? Or would that be considered a carry-on? It's kind of confusing, but again, I don't think I'll have that much of a problem with three or so items in a small backpack.

I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye to a few people though.. but I know I'm going to be back in 3 months for sure, so I guess I can say "I'll see you soon/later" or something instead. It still sucks going away.

This is going to be a flippin' gong show.
Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel