I could really use a wish right now.

I've never felt so mentally messed up in my entire life.. so mentally unstable.

Dealing with this incident has been one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. I don't get it, I can't take it.
I wish it would just all go away, that it never happened.

Sometimes I feel like I'm okay, like it was nothing. Then someone might mention it or talk about the mill and it'll set me off; I'll either start weeping or maybe I'll just be depressed. Yesterday I got depressed and cleaned my whole room to keep my mind busy. And believe me, you, it needed a clean. I could barely get to my bed or see any carpet. I hadn't even fully unpacked from Central America. Clothes everywhere. It took me two to three hours to clean it.
The day before I was good most of the day; I spend it at Cody's house and I helped out with the supper that his mom was organizing and inviting people over for. I was pretty happy until the incident was mentioned and I had to go take a minute in the garage.. Cody came and comforted me and tried to cheer me up. I only needed a moment to organize myself, I was fine for the rest of the evening. We went to a campground out west beside a river where we could watch the sun set behind the mountains. It was really nice.
The day before that, I weeped in Cody's car after Cody, Melissa and I came back from Olds. The incident wasn't really mentioned.. just talking about the mill. But it was enough to make my mind switch over to the thoughts of the incident and send me into tears.

I was ready to go to work today. On Thursday, I was sure I heard them say that I could work elsewhere on site other than the place where the incident occurred. I thought I wouldn't be stuck there because I was uncomfortable there.
When I arrived on site, I was nervous.. of course I would be, I wasn't expecting myself to be completely fine with going to work. I walked into the building and was standing with a supervisor as he was looking over the installation of some new conveyor belts. I was feeling alright until they turned on the belts and chains... my heart started racing and the belts were running so fast. I went and sat in the supervisors office until they were ready to talk to me. I was so uptight that they scared me and I jumped when the three people came in to talk. I was only to become even more uptight as the meeting went on.

They told me that I'd continue working at this sector and they'd have me job shadow another employee; I wasn't to touch any tools or equipment but watch and write down the hazards of the jobs I would be doing. By this point I could already feel the pressure of tears in my eyes.. this was the very news I had been dreading all weekend. Never did I want to work there and I obviously wasn't wanting to continue to stay there. It took a lot to keep from crying in that room as I listened to how they expected me to go back to the wrapper and where I got pinned sometime this week. They have installed quite a bit of safety catches now and have replaces chains and everything, but I was ready to get up and walk out.. if there is anything I'm 100% positive about, it's that I don't want to look at that machine again. Fuck that. When the meeting was over and they left me to do some computer safety work, I instantly started texting my dad, who had told me this morning if I needed any help to deal with any of this, just let him know and he'd get involved.

"I don't think I'm ready, Dad. they're keeping me at the planer and they were telling me that they'll keep me at the front end but will take me back there sometime this week but I don't want to go back there again. they were saying that they asked all the operators back there if they feel it's safe and they all agree that it is and I feel like something is wrong with me because I had the accident and somehow made it unsafe and I feel like I'm the only one and that something is wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I can't help it. they left me in the office to do traccess but I don't want to be here."

At this point the tears started to fall. Then one of my supervisors came in and saw I was turned away from the windows and hunched in my chair. He asked if I was alright and I started sniffling and hiccuping and shook my head. I attempted to tell him that I wasn't ready to do any of it and I just ended up crying. He listened as I choked out that the conveyors and chains were making me nervous and that I didn't want to go back to the wrapper or deal with the front end. I asked for my other supervisor (I feel more comfortable with the other supervisor, I met him outside of work so I guess I know him a bit better?). He ended up bringing the site superintendent for the whole mill and he sat down with me and told me that if I'm not comfortable with the moving equipment, then maybe this job at the mill isn't right for me.

You fucking asshole. You guys kept telling me it was your fault the whole safety incident happened (not fixing the chains sooner, not properly training me, etc.) and therefore it's your fucking fault that I'm not comfortable around the conveyors and chains and now you're trying to tell me I should just quit because it's no longer convenient for you to keep me employed there? I was fine, just fine around the equipment before I almost got crushed at your stupid fucking mill.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't say a word as he said this and said that I should go home and think about what I wanted to do and they'd call me in the morning to see what I decide. So I got my stuff and went to my truck where I threw my hard hat (actually threw it) into the passenger side and ripped my safety glasses off and threw them too. I started crying really hard and called my mom. She could barely understand me, but was pretty upset when she heard what happened and what they were telling me; it wasn't fair at all. She told me to come home and we'd discuss it more then. I had stopping crying by the time I got home, but I started right back up again once I walked into the door and into my mom's arms.

"It's not fair, all they see is a crying girl and don't want to deal with it.. You're my tough cookie, I know it's hard, but you'll get through this.."

We sat on the couch and talked and then my dad phoned and we talked with him. He had been talking with everyone at the mill since he got my text. I guess they're not realizing how much this whole incident has affected me mentally and was expecting me to be able to work right away. My mom also talked to a counselor and set up a time for me to go in on Wednesday.. I don't really like the idea of having to go see a counselor. It's something to prove that I actually need help to get over this. She called the doctors office too to see if we could get a doctors note so I could get a paid leave for this week, so I wouldn't have to go into work until after at least one session with the counselor.

I'm not too sure how many people realize how bad this whole thing has been affecting my mind. I can sleep pretty solid.. I've gotten over the whole shock of the situation... but I can't even explain why I feel like this. Part of me wants to say I don't even know why I am still so mentally affected. It's all so.. messed up. This whole thing is so messed up.

About three hours later, the site superintendent phoned and said they had a different position for me to work on site: they could stick me into the mechanic's shop washing equipment for the mechanics so they don't have to work on dirty, muddy equipment. They hired a summer person for it last year, but overlooked it this year. It's the same wage and everything and it wasn't the planer, so of course I accepted it. He asked if I could come in this afternoon but I said I was going to the doctors.. so I'll be starting tomorrow morning. I don't think I could stand going back to the mill today. I feel so sick and tired of being pushed around that place.

I can understand where the employers are coming from.. they needed someone to fill in a position and they ended up with a safety incident in supposedly the safest part of the mill. (That hurt to hear them say that: I was in a safety incident in the safest part of the whole mill. I feel like something is wrong with me..) They needed someone to work there and it's not working out. But, fuck me, I feel like chopped liver now. They sure haven't made me feel all nice and warm inside. They seemed to really care about it up until I said I don't feel comfortable enough to work in the planer anymore. 'Oh, then maybe this isn't the right place for you to work, it you're not comfortable around the equipment..'. Jesus! I can never seem to win, can I?

Is it too much to ask to get a decent paying job for the summer?

Why couldn't I just stay at my first placement? I want to go back so bad. So bad.

Hopefully this third placement will work out okay. If it doesn't.. I'm out of there for good.