Closing in on 10 days.

I'm leaving in about 10 days. Well, make that 9 days, this day is pretty much over.
I tend to go back and forth between feeling scared shitless about leaving to wishing I could leave right now. It pretty much depends on how my parents treat me; whether or not they order me around versus letting me do whatever I want. So far I've been doing whatever I want, so it makes me wonder why I should leave because I've been having a pretty good time here.
But no matter what, I'm going. It's been about... one month? A little more? since I've decided to travel down to Guatemala. It's insane how fast one can make decisions and put dreams into actions when one puts their mind to it.
Actually, it's beautiful.

I've been feeling fairly rebellious lately. My folks have been lecturing me a bit on my drinking; my dad says that I need to learn how to limit myself once I start because if I can't do that, then that's the first signs of alcoholism. Maybe I should be more worried about it, but I'm not. You only live once, I'm sure I'll grow out of drinking and get sick of it; I'd probably find something else to keep me occupied and such once I leave. Well, actually, I was a bit worried about it; I guess it's kind of like how I feel about leaving- sometimes I worry about it, but sometimes I don't give a damn. I think it's related to how my parents treat me again. For example, tonight I was supposed to go out drinking with my brother and two of my friends, but my brother ditched and I wasn't feeling like going out anymore. That feeling changed once my parents (more my dad) voiced something about me staying home because I'll be drinking tomorrow night with another friend and then again the next night (New Years) in the city at a pub, and drinking three nights in a row probably wouldn't be good for me. Now I'm hoping that my two friends still want to drink tonight, just because my dad doesn't really want me to. Talk about rebellious teen angst.

My sister bought the movie Girl, Interrupted the other day and I really liked it. I thought it was a beautiful movie. Angelina Jolie's role as Lisa Rowe was amazing and Winona Ryder's role as Susanna Kaysen was really good too.
For some reason, I wanted to be like one of those girls. I'm not too sure why.. I just wanted to relate to someone, maybe Lisa. I liked her attitude. Don't ask me why, who would want to be in pain like some of those girls and live in a mental hospital?

Still waiting on those friends.. still wanting to go out tonight!

Rachel

Realization smacks us in the face.

This is going to be another sad, emo blog. I apologize in advance if it makes you roll your eyes or something.
But I'm going to see if I can write this without giving away anything. Well, without giving away a lot. If it doesn't make sense to you, I don't really care.
This is a vent blog.
And I'm about to explode.

I realized it yesterday morning. I was talking to my sister on Skype when it suddenly hit me, so I said I had to go. I didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything, I just felt like someone had smacked me in the face and I wanted to shut down- I turned off the laptop, turned off my phone, and just.. well, sat there. I didn't know what to do. After a while, I wrote in my journal, sat in a daze, zoned in and out of thought. My phone is still turned off, I only turned on my laptop to blog because I want to actually feel like I'm telling someone something. My journal sits only for me to read, but this blog can be accessed by anyone. Anyone can read this.

My moods have varied these past two days; I had an amazing time at my friend's 18th birthday. It was an absolute blast! I danced and drank a lot and I didn't feel too bad the next day. But the realization came that morning, so I blamed my depressed mood on a hangover. Like I said before, I turned off my phone and it's been off ever since. I told a friend that I threw up because I didn't want to hang out, even though I was physically feeling alright. But now, every time I eat, I feel like throwing it up afterward. My motivation to do anything has left me. I swear in front of my parents because, frankly, I don't care anymore. I sit around and stare into nothing, knowing full well that my dad is watching and growing worried and probably thinking I'm going into another depression. At this point, I don't really care; bring it.

I feel like crying my eyes out, but the tears won't run. It amazes me how something that affects you emotionally can feel like it's affecting you physically as well. It feels like something has deflated and is sitting heavy in my chest. Right now, breathing is slow, as if I'm sleeping. I feel tired in the day and evening and nap, but come night time, sleep doesn't follow. My mind is constantly running. Thoughts zoom around, flying behind my open eyes. I lay in bed, not wanting to stay in bed, but don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do. I feel like I can't escape and I have to wait out a storm of all these thoughts and memories. Eventually it'll pass and I'll drift into a sleep of sorts, but somehow I figure I will wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all.
My head hurts.
All this makes me feel weak and pathetic.

My parents try to be angry at me for my lack of respect or will to do what they ask but then they apologize for being angry with me and yelling. I can tell they are unsure of what to do and how to deal with me. My sister watches me, I know she understands how/why I do what I do more than my parents. I know she doesn't like it at times, but she still understands, I'm sure. Maybe she doesn't understand why, completely, but she understands what I'm doing.

I'm tired. Maybe sleep will come and bless me and my tired mind.
Maybe.
Sorry, again, for such a somber, mellow, depressing post.
It felt good to write it, though.

Rachel

To be young and ignorant.

I'm starting to get tired of waiting around. Some days are worse than others, but mostly I feel useless. Yes, useless is a good word to describe how I'm feeling these days. Useless and.. ignorant. I choose to ignore things that I don't want to hear or pay attention to.

Honestly, I'm am really excited to go to Guatemala. Extremely, it's something I've wanted to do for such a long time; travel somewhere new and live life without any obligations to anybody.
There's a part of me, though, that feels so damn lost and asks why I'm going. What am I going to accomplish if I go to Guatemala? What would I accomplish if I stayed here and didn't go? It's going to be a life-changing experience, I'm sure, but feels a little irresponsible as well.
I'm hoping things will just fall into place and everything will be fine.
Maybe these are pre-travel nerves.
Or maybe it's PMS.
Or maybe I'm just hungover and feeling like crap and my crappy mood is affecting my thoughts about my travel plans.
Who knows.

Things that still need to be done.. well, I have to get my credit card. Then I need to get my money out of a trust fund. Then I need to buy my plane ticket. Then I need to pack/make sure I have/buy everything I need.
Then leave?
Hopefully?

God, I really want to visit my college friends before I leave. Badly. Unfortunately, I still can't see it happening.
And I don't know if I can get to the town an hour away to visit my friends from the summer.
I suppose it depends on when I leave. While looking at plane ticket prices, I was seriously discouraged when I saw that prices had jumped up around $200 in between Christmas and New Years, which is when I originally had planned to leave. I found a few flights that are priced at the same prices I had seen before the price jump, but they leave about a week after Christmas.. I suppose they will be my best bet, though. Then I can still go to the New Years party that I bought a ticket for and friends are expecting me to go to. And then it gives me time to visit my summer friends, if I can get there. I still can't see me being able to visit my college friends though, too much money and time to get down there. Ughhhh. Fuck.

Yeah. I've probably repeated shit I've said in previous posts, but whatever.
I'm just feeling shitty today. I went out last night (which was pretty fun!) and came back at 1:30AM pretty full of beer and some Screech (a Newfoundland drink; it's tasty, better than Scotch in my opinion!). I slept most of today away and watched the first Matrix movie.

What a lazy day.

Rachel

I'm the perfect disaster, you can't stop me.

It's pretty much official now; I'll be flying to Guatemala sometime in the month of January (sounds like in the first week). My parents aren't fighting me about it anymore and now I'm really getting everything I need for this trip put together and hopefully it's going to go quite smoothly.

I'm so ready to go. Unbelievably so, but I'm going to miss some people, obviously.
Like I said before, it sounds like I'm going to be leaving as soon as possible after Christmas; my friend and a friend of hers will be waiting for me and then we're taking off backpacking. It's still kind of confusing and overwhelming, but I'm managing. Slowly.
I'm excited to pack for this trip too; I'm not going to be taking a lot of stuff. My backpacking pack will be my carry-on and then I'll probably have a small suitcase for checked luggage. Part of me is thinking the pack is going to be too big for carry-on though.. it's about a 55L pack that will be fairly full, I'm sure. We'll have to see. But I'm very excited to be living with limited amount of items and clothing and having mainly essential, practical items with me other than things I may want, but don't necessarily need.

I'm thinking it'll be a good change of living.
A very good change.

The result of leaving so close after Christmas is I am most likely not going to be able to go visit my college friends like I've been telling them I am planning to do in January. It pains me to be telling them I am probably not going to make it down there after I have been telling them the possible dates I was planning on coming down. I really do miss them and sometimes I don't think they really miss me as much as I do them (sounds kind of harsh and I don't really think it's true, but who knows), but it really is a kind of empty.. pain? that I do feel while realizing the chances of me visiting them before I go is narrowing.
Ahh, it's kind of a weird feeling.

Was this a short post? I think it's a bit shorter than what my previous ones have been.
Maybe not. Whatever.

I'm tired so it's off to bed for me. I had a pretty sweet night last night. Ha.
But that's another story for another day!

Rachel

Nothing is normal.

So life right now has hit a lull. The lull before Christmas, I guess. Before everything suddenly bursts with stuff to do, people to see and everything.

I've been doing pretty decent; going to the gym with a friend for the past week and feeling pain like I haven't felt for quite some time, reading a book I haven't read in a while (I haven't read any book for a while- kind of sad!), sitting around. Yeah, nothing too exciting. A lull.

Yesterday morning was the start of a very windy snow storm. A province-wide blizzard, pretty much. You know it's pretty ridiculous when everyone's Facebook status' are about how stupid the weather is or how awesome it is (mostly the skiers and snowboarders are loving the weather, or those who just like winter). My Beastly truck is definitely feeling the weather. It doesn't like it, every little problem seems to suddenly appear when the temperature drops below -10 degrees Celsius. Things start to squeak and squeal, the engine stalls at least three times before giving in and letting me drive to where I need to go. It's definitely seen better days in the other three seasons.
But last night I went walking in the snow storm. Call me crazy (my dad did), but it was an enjoyable experience. I slid down the steep slopes of the large hill that guards the small town and ran down trails to try and somehow escape the winds and the needle-like snow. I would trudge through snow drifts that I had walked through only 15 minutes before but had no more trace of me being there and it turned out to be a decent leg workout. Today my quad muscles are really sore as I had done a leg workout at the gym earlier yesterday. It hurts to move.

I'm sort of stuck on the Guatemala front; I need to get money out of a fund and pay off student loans before I can do anything at this point.

Ahhh. Yeah. I don't feel like typing anymore.

Rachel