This is going to be another sad, emo blog. I apologize in advance if it makes you roll your eyes or something.
But I'm going to see if I can write this without giving away anything. Well, without giving away a lot. If it doesn't make sense to you, I don't really care.
This is a vent blog.
And I'm about to explode.
I realized it yesterday morning. I was talking to my sister on Skype when it suddenly hit me, so I said I had to go. I didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything, I just felt like someone had smacked me in the face and I wanted to shut down- I turned off the laptop, turned off my phone, and just.. well, sat there. I didn't know what to do. After a while, I wrote in my journal, sat in a daze, zoned in and out of thought. My phone is still turned off, I only turned on my laptop to blog because I want to actually feel like I'm telling someone something. My journal sits only for me to read, but this blog can be accessed by anyone. Anyone can read this.
My moods have varied these past two days; I had an amazing time at my friend's 18th birthday. It was an absolute blast! I danced and drank a lot and I didn't feel too bad the next day. But the realization came that morning, so I blamed my depressed mood on a hangover. Like I said before, I turned off my phone and it's been off ever since. I told a friend that I threw up because I didn't want to hang out, even though I was physically feeling alright. But now, every time I eat, I feel like throwing it up afterward. My motivation to do anything has left me. I swear in front of my parents because, frankly, I don't care anymore. I sit around and stare into nothing, knowing full well that my dad is watching and growing worried and probably thinking I'm going into another depression. At this point, I don't really care; bring it.
I feel like crying my eyes out, but the tears won't run. It amazes me how something that affects you emotionally can feel like it's affecting you physically as well. It feels like something has deflated and is sitting heavy in my chest. Right now, breathing is slow, as if I'm sleeping. I feel tired in the day and evening and nap, but come night time, sleep doesn't follow. My mind is constantly running. Thoughts zoom around, flying behind my open eyes. I lay in bed, not wanting to stay in bed, but don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do. I feel like I can't escape and I have to wait out a storm of all these thoughts and memories. Eventually it'll pass and I'll drift into a sleep of sorts, but somehow I figure I will wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all.
My head hurts.
All this makes me feel weak and pathetic.
My parents try to be angry at me for my lack of respect or will to do what they ask but then they apologize for being angry with me and yelling. I can tell they are unsure of what to do and how to deal with me. My sister watches me, I know she understands how/why I do what I do more than my parents. I know she doesn't like it at times, but she still understands, I'm sure. Maybe she doesn't understand why, completely, but she understands what I'm doing.
I'm tired. Maybe sleep will come and bless me and my tired mind.
Maybe.
Sorry, again, for such a somber, mellow, depressing post.
It felt good to write it, though.
Rachel
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