So I would consider myself pretty much recovered from my incident. Kind of. Being placed in the mobile shop has been great, I love it there. The pace is so slack, I find myself being bored more than busy. My main duty is to clean all the mud and grease that has been building on the loaders for the past 9 months with a pressure washer. By the end of the day, a lot of the mud and grease that was originally on the loader has been sprayed onto me. It's an extremely dirty job, but I love it. It takes about.. 7 hours a loader? Roughly? Yeah, time goes by pretty fast in the wash bay when you're doing that job, so it's all good.
Being the only girl in the shop is cool, all the guys give me a hard time, but it's all in good fun. They're all nice to me, so there are no problems. When I'm not cleaning a loader, I'm usually just doing general clean-up around the shop or cleaning out trucks. Or painting. Man, I hate painting. It's the most boring job and where I'm painting, I'm always in the dust of semi trucks driving by. And in the sun. I'm surprised I haven't burned my arms or neck more. It gets bloody hot sometimes, though.
The only issues I still have with the whole incident is when I hear or walk through the planer, where the incident happened. The planer is across the yard from the shop and there are usually lifts of wood blocking the sound and sight of the planer but one afternoon, I suddenly realized that there was no more lifts in the yard and I could hear the familiar sounds of the machinery of the planer.. it seemed to stop me dead in the shop for a little bit. I could feel my heart racing and I could feel myself start to panic. Someone talking over the radio snapped me out of the trace but not without startling me pretty good. Walking through the planer was pretty bad, I just put my head down and shot straight through the building. I luckily don't have to deal with that place much, but when I do, it's still tough. Talking about the incident gets me a little uptight, but not like it used to.
Now that all that has been settled in my mind, of course other shit comes up. There's always something that has to make my mind go into overdrive.
Things with my boyfriend has been getting a little tiresome for me.. I don't think I'm quite ready for a relationship like what he is wanting. We've been dating for about 4 months now and he's already saying I'm the love of his life? Sure, maybe he is seriously that in love with me.. but that's pretty steep. And it scares the hell out of me. I'm only 18.. and I don't want to be thinking about settling down at all. I know for a fact that I'm not ready.
We've also been running into problems with my drinking.. the last couple times we go out and drink socially, I usually end up taking off somewhere. There was quite the incident at a wedding two nights ago.. I left the wedding and went to a friends house. My cousin got yelled at by everyone for letting me leave and she started crying. I was really upset that they were getting angry and chewing her out for something I did. Everyone apologized to her and felt bad about it, but it still upsets me.
With my boyfriend, I've been kind of distancing myself.. I may be happy to see him at first but after spending a bit of time with him, I'm usually in a distant mood.. not really mad, but almost annoyed? Not quite sure, but as a friend put it, I don't think I'm ready to have to answer to anyone just yet about what I do and everything. I know you have to work to make relationships work, but I just don't think I'm ready to be in that mind frame yet. And with a relationship, there should be a certain amount of ease as well.
I don't know.
I haven't talked to him much since the wedding at all. Haven't heard or said anything to him all day today. Yesterday, everyone seemed pretty upset about what I did at the wedding and I was feeling quite shitty. So I went for a drive by myself out west, something I love doing. I drove through the foothills to where you're not quite in the Rockies, but it's pretty damn close. The road is a small, gravel road that winds through the valleys and up and down the small, treed mountains. It's so beautiful out there, everything is so green right now. There were lots of wild flowers; Tiger Lillies and my favourite, Indian Paintbrushes. I picked some and brought them home and they're sitting in a vase on the kitchen table.
Anyways. Yeah, things are going.. maybe not too well, but it's going. We'll see what happens.
Rachel
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