I dreamed last night that there was a girl who had watched myself, my sister and some of our friends and would sketch us. Her sketches looked like photographs, they were so accurate and amazing. I guess they wouldn't be sketches, more drawings or something.
There was one of me and I was standing in a corner where two brick walls met and there was a door. I was leaning on the closed door, looking at my feet. I was wearing a black jacket, converse shoes and a white t-shirt with jeans.
I looked sad and alone.
Yesterday, I put my relationship with my boyfriend on hold. I feel like shit for doing what I did to him. He was so uptight and frustrated and it broke my heart. I handled everything like an immature kid. Teenager. Irresponsible. It made me sad.
"You're one of my best friends.."
"You were my best friend. ____ (his friend he has had since high school, his best guy friend) came second to you."
Jesus fucking christ. Afterward I drove around town, got pulled over by the cops for expired registration (no ticket, thankfully) and then I headed out of town. I tried to drive to a lake that I've been to several times to take pictures, but I was too tired to drive that far. I got as far as a river crossing, where the concrete turns to gravel and pulled up beside the bridge, texted my dad where I was and curled up on the bench seat of my truck and fell asleep.
I woke up to my sister rapping on my window. She had come with my parents to bring me home. My dad drove my truck as I fell asleep in the back of my parents vehicle. I was so worn out.. I went straight to bed when I got home. I called in sick this morning for work.
I feel like a horrible piece of shit.
But maybe I'm over reacting. Who knows.
I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm a mess-up. The past few months have been so weird, and they're only going to get worse as I start to get my shit for college together.
Yeah.
Just sayin'.
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