'Aw, that's so cu- wait, what did you do?'

And when I think I am taking one step forward, I end up taking ten thousand steps backwards. Silly Rachel.

Sometimes I rethink about the things I do and I regret a lot of them. This time, I am not too sure I regret what I did.. in someways I do but mostly, I don't. Don't ask what I am talking about though, because I'm not going to tell you. Ha, that's great, I'm not going to tell you what this whole flippin' post is going to be about. Suckers.

I've been so.. blah. Down. Depressed. Angry. Sad. It's ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.


I waited for 6 hours and the funny thing is that it seemed to pass by like nothing. For the first four hours, I just sat in my truck. I ended up laying down across the bench seat but I didn't sleep or anything. My mind was in such a numb state at that point, it didn't feel like there was any activity.

God, why does life have to be so unfair sometimes? You don't know how happy I am for being able to do what I wanted to do but it seems to just make things even worse.

Stupid oil derricks.

Stupid college. I don't want to move tomorrow. Three hours south to where it's hot and windy and bare of any mountains. I don't want to go.

Today I have to pretend I'm in a good mood for friends and family. I am going horse-back riding today with a really good friend and I'm looking forward to it, more so than the family get together we are having tonight. And all the stupid packing I have to do.

I hardly have any motivation to do anything. Eating has dropped off my list of making me feel good. Part of me is kind of happy because I had been eating a lot of junk food before leaving the fire base but now it's weird because I'm never hungry anymore. I can barely make it through a meal. Breakfast is fine, but lunch and dinner is like a chore. My lunch yesterday was a salad, of which I only ate about half of it. Supper was a hamburger and corn, which my mom made me eat all of it and told me she was going to weigh me before I leave for college and then weigh me every time I come home to see if I'm loosing any weight. I also better eat three meals a day when I'm down there as well, she said. Oh, mom.

Oh, life.

Rachel