Walk On

I feel like it should have been me.

2010-07-26T13:39:00.004-06:00

It's kind of amazing the things we do in life, the choices we make. We wonder why we make them, how we made them.. think about how things would be if we didn't make those choices.

But you know, there's nothing you can do once the choices you made are made. All you can do is roll with the consequences. Yeah, you'll probably regret making your decision.. decisions, but you just have to move on. Somethings will be easier to forget than others. You might wish to forget, and sometimes you will be able to. Other times, you know you won't be.

I'm not one to give much advice. I'm usually the one who seeks it out, who feels like I need it to get through the stupid shit I do. But every once in a while, yeah, I know that I'm in a position where I need to be the one to give it. Where someone is seeking out advice from me and I need to be there to give it.

No one said life was a breeze. No one said anything was easy. But you know what, sometimes we make it harder than it really is. Or maybe it is hard to deal with, but if we push on hard enough, we can make it easy to deal with. Sometimes we feel like we don't want to deal with it or we want it to be hard to deal with because it finally gives us something to be down about, to be sad and depressed or upset. Because feeling that way makes us feel human, makes us feel alive. Sometimes we need to feel like life is hard so we don't feel so fake, so we don't feel like life is so damn easy, like it's 2-D.

I believe we need to go through the hard times, it helps us learn about life. And fuck, do we have a lot to learn about life. It's so damn complex, it's amazing. Half the time, people go through it and don't even realize what they're missing. I think these people are the ones that live the sheltered lives, protected from all the things that could make one become.. "bad", I guess? Maybe that isn't exactly what I'm trying to say.. ha. People need to experience things. Sheltered lives, I think, are not good for people. We need to experience things for ourselves so we can grow as a person, gain knowledge that will get us farther in life than our parents can get us. We need to experience the hurt, the pain, so we know how to help others through it. It's all a part of life that we should have to deal with.

I was told that my mother thinks there's something wrong with me. My own mother. Yeah, right now I'm not looking too far into anything she's saying so I'm not letting it bother me too much. But that though is sticking in my mind, just as a reminder that maybe my life has become a bit more.. complex than what other's might like. It gives me the satisfaction that I'm making choices that even though they're not up to the expectations of others, of my parents, but it's making me into a woman who maybe isn't quite 2-D. There's going to be more to me than maybe others might think or expect, especially coming from the family I come from and after being raised by the parents I have.

There's some things we do that we can do absolutely nothing to take it back, to change our situation that came about as a result of what we did. And we just have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But what you decide to do with that decision, it's completely up to you. Someone very important and special to me told me this: "You're going to have to make you're decisions for you because you're the one who's going to have to live with it. In the end, when everyone else is gone, you're going to be stuck with you and it's you who you're going to have to deal with." (Probably not exactly what was said, but it was along those lines.)

You know what you need to do to carry on. Whether you want to do what you know you need to do, well, it's your choice to do it or not. You need make your decisions and choices for you.

Just remember I love you.

Illusion never changed into something real.

2010-07-07T10:20:00.003-06:00

I dreamed last night that there was a girl who had watched myself, my sister and some of our friends and would sketch us. Her sketches looked like photographs, they were so accurate and amazing. I guess they wouldn't be sketches, more drawings or something.
There was one of me and I was standing in a corner where two brick walls met and there was a door. I was leaning on the closed door, looking at my feet. I was wearing a black jacket, converse shoes and a white t-shirt with jeans.

I looked sad and alone.

Yesterday, I put my relationship with my boyfriend on hold. I feel like shit for doing what I did to him. He was so uptight and frustrated and it broke my heart. I handled everything like an immature kid. Teenager. Irresponsible. It made me sad.

"You're one of my best friends.."
"You were my best friend. ____ (his friend he has had since high school, his best guy friend) came second to you."

Jesus fucking christ. Afterward I drove around town, got pulled over by the cops for expired registration (no ticket, thankfully) and then I headed out of town. I tried to drive to a lake that I've been to several times to take pictures, but I was too tired to drive that far. I got as far as a river crossing, where the concrete turns to gravel and pulled up beside the bridge, texted my dad where I was and curled up on the bench seat of my truck and fell asleep.
I woke up to my sister rapping on my window. She had come with my parents to bring me home. My dad drove my truck as I fell asleep in the back of my parents vehicle. I was so worn out.. I went straight to bed when I got home. I called in sick this morning for work.
I feel like a horrible piece of shit.
But maybe I'm over reacting. Who knows.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm a mess-up. The past few months have been so weird, and they're only going to get worse as I start to get my shit for college together.

Yeah.
Just sayin'.

I walk dead or alive.

2010-07-05T17:22:00.003-06:00

So I would consider myself pretty much recovered from my incident. Kind of. Being placed in the mobile shop has been great, I love it there. The pace is so slack, I find myself being bored more than busy. My main duty is to clean all the mud and grease that has been building on the loaders for the past 9 months with a pressure washer. By the end of the day, a lot of the mud and grease that was originally on the loader has been sprayed onto me. It's an extremely dirty job, but I love it. It takes about.. 7 hours a loader? Roughly? Yeah, time goes by pretty fast in the wash bay when you're doing that job, so it's all good.
Being the only girl in the shop is cool, all the guys give me a hard time, but it's all in good fun. They're all nice to me, so there are no problems. When I'm not cleaning a loader, I'm usually just doing general clean-up around the shop or cleaning out trucks. Or painting. Man, I hate painting. It's the most boring job and where I'm painting, I'm always in the dust of semi trucks driving by. And in the sun. I'm surprised I haven't burned my arms or neck more. It gets bloody hot sometimes, though.

The only issues I still have with the whole incident is when I hear or walk through the planer, where the incident happened. The planer is across the yard from the shop and there are usually lifts of wood blocking the sound and sight of the planer but one afternoon, I suddenly realized that there was no more lifts in the yard and I could hear the familiar sounds of the machinery of the planer.. it seemed to stop me dead in the shop for a little bit. I could feel my heart racing and I could feel myself start to panic. Someone talking over the radio snapped me out of the trace but not without startling me pretty good. Walking through the planer was pretty bad, I just put my head down and shot straight through the building. I luckily don't have to deal with that place much, but when I do, it's still tough. Talking about the incident gets me a little uptight, but not like it used to.

Now that all that has been settled in my mind, of course other shit comes up. There's always something that has to make my mind go into overdrive.
Things with my boyfriend has been getting a little tiresome for me.. I don't think I'm quite ready for a relationship like what he is wanting. We've been dating for about 4 months now and he's already saying I'm the love of his life? Sure, maybe he is seriously that in love with me.. but that's pretty steep. And it scares the hell out of me. I'm only 18.. and I don't want to be thinking about settling down at all. I know for a fact that I'm not ready.
We've also been running into problems with my drinking.. the last couple times we go out and drink socially, I usually end up taking off somewhere. There was quite the incident at a wedding two nights ago.. I left the wedding and went to a friends house. My cousin got yelled at by everyone for letting me leave and she started crying. I was really upset that they were getting angry and chewing her out for something I did. Everyone apologized to her and felt bad about it, but it still upsets me.
With my boyfriend, I've been kind of distancing myself.. I may be happy to see him at first but after spending a bit of time with him, I'm usually in a distant mood.. not really mad, but almost annoyed? Not quite sure, but as a friend put it, I don't think I'm ready to have to answer to anyone just yet about what I do and everything. I know you have to work to make relationships work, but I just don't think I'm ready to be in that mind frame yet. And with a relationship, there should be a certain amount of ease as well.
I don't know.
I haven't talked to him much since the wedding at all. Haven't heard or said anything to him all day today. Yesterday, everyone seemed pretty upset about what I did at the wedding and I was feeling quite shitty. So I went for a drive by myself out west, something I love doing. I drove through the foothills to where you're not quite in the Rockies, but it's pretty damn close. The road is a small, gravel road that winds through the valleys and up and down the small, treed mountains. It's so beautiful out there, everything is so green right now. There were lots of wild flowers; Tiger Lillies and my favourite, Indian Paintbrushes. I picked some and brought them home and they're sitting in a vase on the kitchen table.

Anyways. Yeah, things are going.. maybe not too well, but it's going. We'll see what happens.

Rachel

I could really use a wish right now.

2010-06-14T10:59:00.008-06:00

I've never felt so mentally messed up in my entire life.. so mentally unstable.

Dealing with this incident has been one of the toughest things I've ever dealt with. I don't get it, I can't take it.
I wish it would just all go away, that it never happened.

Sometimes I feel like I'm okay, like it was nothing. Then someone might mention it or talk about the mill and it'll set me off; I'll either start weeping or maybe I'll just be depressed. Yesterday I got depressed and cleaned my whole room to keep my mind busy. And believe me, you, it needed a clean. I could barely get to my bed or see any carpet. I hadn't even fully unpacked from Central America. Clothes everywhere. It took me two to three hours to clean it.
The day before I was good most of the day; I spend it at Cody's house and I helped out with the supper that his mom was organizing and inviting people over for. I was pretty happy until the incident was mentioned and I had to go take a minute in the garage.. Cody came and comforted me and tried to cheer me up. I only needed a moment to organize myself, I was fine for the rest of the evening. We went to a campground out west beside a river where we could watch the sun set behind the mountains. It was really nice.
The day before that, I weeped in Cody's car after Cody, Melissa and I came back from Olds. The incident wasn't really mentioned.. just talking about the mill. But it was enough to make my mind switch over to the thoughts of the incident and send me into tears.

I was ready to go to work today. On Thursday, I was sure I heard them say that I could work elsewhere on site other than the place where the incident occurred. I thought I wouldn't be stuck there because I was uncomfortable there.
When I arrived on site, I was nervous.. of course I would be, I wasn't expecting myself to be completely fine with going to work. I walked into the building and was standing with a supervisor as he was looking over the installation of some new conveyor belts. I was feeling alright until they turned on the belts and chains... my heart started racing and the belts were running so fast. I went and sat in the supervisors office until they were ready to talk to me. I was so uptight that they scared me and I jumped when the three people came in to talk. I was only to become even more uptight as the meeting went on.

They told me that I'd continue working at this sector and they'd have me job shadow another employee; I wasn't to touch any tools or equipment but watch and write down the hazards of the jobs I would be doing. By this point I could already feel the pressure of tears in my eyes.. this was the very news I had been dreading all weekend. Never did I want to work there and I obviously wasn't wanting to continue to stay there. It took a lot to keep from crying in that room as I listened to how they expected me to go back to the wrapper and where I got pinned sometime this week. They have installed quite a bit of safety catches now and have replaces chains and everything, but I was ready to get up and walk out.. if there is anything I'm 100% positive about, it's that I don't want to look at that machine again. Fuck that. When the meeting was over and they left me to do some computer safety work, I instantly started texting my dad, who had told me this morning if I needed any help to deal with any of this, just let him know and he'd get involved.

"I don't think I'm ready, Dad. they're keeping me at the planer and they were telling me that they'll keep me at the front end but will take me back there sometime this week but I don't want to go back there again. they were saying that they asked all the operators back there if they feel it's safe and they all agree that it is and I feel like something is wrong with me because I had the accident and somehow made it unsafe and I feel like I'm the only one and that something is wrong with me. I'm trying so hard not to cry but I can't help it. they left me in the office to do traccess but I don't want to be here."

At this point the tears started to fall. Then one of my supervisors came in and saw I was turned away from the windows and hunched in my chair. He asked if I was alright and I started sniffling and hiccuping and shook my head. I attempted to tell him that I wasn't ready to do any of it and I just ended up crying. He listened as I choked out that the conveyors and chains were making me nervous and that I didn't want to go back to the wrapper or deal with the front end. I asked for my other supervisor (I feel more comfortable with the other supervisor, I met him outside of work so I guess I know him a bit better?). He ended up bringing the site superintendent for the whole mill and he sat down with me and told me that if I'm not comfortable with the moving equipment, then maybe this job at the mill isn't right for me.

You fucking asshole. You guys kept telling me it was your fault the whole safety incident happened (not fixing the chains sooner, not properly training me, etc.) and therefore it's your fucking fault that I'm not comfortable around the conveyors and chains and now you're trying to tell me I should just quit because it's no longer convenient for you to keep me employed there? I was fine, just fine around the equipment before I almost got crushed at your stupid fucking mill.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't say a word as he said this and said that I should go home and think about what I wanted to do and they'd call me in the morning to see what I decide. So I got my stuff and went to my truck where I threw my hard hat (actually threw it) into the passenger side and ripped my safety glasses off and threw them too. I started crying really hard and called my mom. She could barely understand me, but was pretty upset when she heard what happened and what they were telling me; it wasn't fair at all. She told me to come home and we'd discuss it more then. I had stopping crying by the time I got home, but I started right back up again once I walked into the door and into my mom's arms.

"It's not fair, all they see is a crying girl and don't want to deal with it.. You're my tough cookie, I know it's hard, but you'll get through this.."

We sat on the couch and talked and then my dad phoned and we talked with him. He had been talking with everyone at the mill since he got my text. I guess they're not realizing how much this whole incident has affected me mentally and was expecting me to be able to work right away. My mom also talked to a counselor and set up a time for me to go in on Wednesday.. I don't really like the idea of having to go see a counselor. It's something to prove that I actually need help to get over this. She called the doctors office too to see if we could get a doctors note so I could get a paid leave for this week, so I wouldn't have to go into work until after at least one session with the counselor.

I'm not too sure how many people realize how bad this whole thing has been affecting my mind. I can sleep pretty solid.. I've gotten over the whole shock of the situation... but I can't even explain why I feel like this. Part of me wants to say I don't even know why I am still so mentally affected. It's all so.. messed up. This whole thing is so messed up.

About three hours later, the site superintendent phoned and said they had a different position for me to work on site: they could stick me into the mechanic's shop washing equipment for the mechanics so they don't have to work on dirty, muddy equipment. They hired a summer person for it last year, but overlooked it this year. It's the same wage and everything and it wasn't the planer, so of course I accepted it. He asked if I could come in this afternoon but I said I was going to the doctors.. so I'll be starting tomorrow morning. I don't think I could stand going back to the mill today. I feel so sick and tired of being pushed around that place.

I can understand where the employers are coming from.. they needed someone to fill in a position and they ended up with a safety incident in supposedly the safest part of the mill. (That hurt to hear them say that: I was in a safety incident in the safest part of the whole mill. I feel like something is wrong with me..) They needed someone to work there and it's not working out. But, fuck me, I feel like chopped liver now. They sure haven't made me feel all nice and warm inside. They seemed to really care about it up until I said I don't feel comfortable enough to work in the planer anymore. 'Oh, then maybe this isn't the right place for you to work, it you're not comfortable around the equipment..'. Jesus! I can never seem to win, can I?

Is it too much to ask to get a decent paying job for the summer?

Why couldn't I just stay at my first placement? I want to go back so bad. So bad.

Hopefully this third placement will work out okay. If it doesn't.. I'm out of there for good.

life deals out the blows and sometimes it's just too hard to take.

2010-06-10T11:19:00.015-06:00

It's strange, the things that can happen to us. That do happen to us. Sometimes you'd never expect some things to happen to you, you just hear about them happening to other people.

I was involved in a safety incident at the lumber mill I am working at. It left me scared and uncomfortable to be around certain equipment and beating myself up for what happened. The thing is, I was moved from one part of the mill to a different part after almost a month of training and getting accustomed to my first placement. I didn't want to be moved and no one thought it was a good idea. It made sense to move me when it came to the organizational side of things due to pieces of machinery and employees being moved around the site, but it just didn't seem like it would be a good idea to begin with.

Now I wish it never happened.

It was my first day at the new sector of the plant. Hell, I never even made it through a full quarter of a shift. I was wrapping a lift of lumber, I think they were 2x4's.. maybe 10' long boards, a fairly large lift. It takes two people to wrap each lift, one on either side of it and it comes in on a set of chains. The chains are about waist high off the ground, give or take, and you can barely see the other person on the other side of the lift if you look over it. Anyways, I had been watching the girl I was following around that day as she was showing me how to wrap and staple the lifts. She did quite a few and then asked if I wanted to give it a go. I said I would, it looked easy enough.

The thing about this sector of the plant is that the pace of production is quite a bit faster than the sector I was at previously. The place where the wood is cut and sorted puts out tons and tons of boards so fast, this new place I was at has to try and keep up, so the pace is going to be quicker too. I guess I was trying to be quick.. trying not to be the slow rookie. I stapled about 3 lifts before the incident happened.

The lift came in on the chains and the wrapping was draped over it, like every other lift before it. The chains rolled the lift forward down the line as the wrapping was cut and three of us were straightening the wrap and working on getting it stapled down. With trying to keep up with production, people start stapling the wrap down before the lift even stops, so we kept working. Only this lift wasn't stopping.

I reached around the end of the lift, the end that would be the closest to the opening in the wall where the lifts roll out of the building on the chains, to staple the wrap down. I didn't wait for the lift to stop and wasn't aware of how close it was getting to the opening. The opening is framed with steel and it's just big enough for a lift to pass through, maybe half a foot space between a lift and the frame.. and I got pinned between the two.

It seemed to go in slow motion. I got pushed back into the frame and when I tried to get out, I found I couldn't move. But the lift was still going and the pressure on my chest increased. I gave out a bit of a holler at first. Then the pressure really increase and I cried out. My rib cage was being compressed and I was panicking.. I could feel my ribs bending in. I couldn't have been stuck there more than 2 seconds, luckily the others reversed the chains and lift after they heard my cry. I stumbled backwards as the lift moved back and the girl I was following around came and asked if I was okay. Two others were there and another girl came as well. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, but was feeling physically fine, just a bit of an ache in the center of my chest. No ribs broken or anything.. but I was hurting mentally.

"Are you okay?" "Are you hurt?"

"I think I'm okay.. just freaked out.."

"Here, sit down for a bit." "We have to report this." "You sure you're okay?"

I sat down on some boxes as they finished stapling the lift. I started thinking about what just happened to me. I looked up and saw where I was pinned and grew sick to my stomach. I started shaking all over and my eyes welled up with tears and I started to weep. Leaning over with my head in my hands, I started thinking about how I could have just been crushed into a small gap between a lift of lumber and a steel metal frame, a space where a person wouldn't even think about trying to get through normally.

We went to the supervisors office and explained what just happened. Well, she did the talking, I stood there until I started weeping and sniffling again and they had me sit down. They decided to shut down the area until they could figure out why the chains didn't stop. We went to the lunch room where the girl and I sat for about 15 minutes as I tried to calm down.. it came in waves; we'd be talking and then there would be a silence, which is when I'd start thinking about what happened and the 'what if..?'s and the tears would flow and I'd start hiccuping from trying too hard not to cry.

What if the chains were going so fast that I wouldn't have had the time to cry out?

What if I had been dragged into that gap and crushed?

What if the lift didn't stop?

What if the other workers hadn't heard me or reacted as fast as they did?

What if I hadn't been able to walk away from the incident on my own two legs?

Over the next half hour, the supervisors would come in and out of the lunch room to check on me. A first aid attendant came in to make sure I didn't have any major injuries.

No, there wasn't any visible bruising.
No, there is no marks from my Carhartt buckles being pressed into my chest.
No, my back doesn't hurt, just my chest.
No, it doesn't hurt to lift my arms above my head.
Yes, it hurts a little bit to breathe.
Yeah, it hurts a little when I do that, but not as bad when I do this.

Then I started to cry.

It was so overwhelming. They left me by myself for a little bit. I started to hyperventilate a little.. my thoughts were too much for me to take. My supervisor came in and took me to his office and I tried so hard not to cry. I couldn't do it. I just buried my head into my arms to hide my face.

"I just keep thinking about it...
What if the lift hadn't have stopped?"

"Rachel, if there is anything I want you to know right now, it's that this whole thing wasn't your fault. We didn't have the proper training for you and are going to start working on that right away, just like we're working on the wrapper right now and installing photo eyes to stop the chains when someone gets too close to the opening..."

I ended up getting a ride home from a supervisor. My truck was left sitting in the parking lot at the mill for the night. I started feeling better as soon as we left the site but once I entered the house, I collapsed in the entryway and cried. Hard. I can't remember the last time I've cried that much. And for that long.

The incident happened at around 11:00 - 11:30AM. I cried on and off until about 6:00PM. I called Cody and he came over and stayed until my dad arrived. Both work at the lumber mill. My dad was upset. He didn't find out about the incident until 3 hours afterward and he figured it out himself based on a conversation he overheard between two electricians during a smoke break.

"Yeah, it was a girl in a green hard hat. I have never seen her around before, she must be new."

When my supervisor came to him, he told him what happened, starting out with "Rachel is okay, she's fine". Dad was pissed when they didn't come to him sooner and when they didn't tell his own supervisor what happened. The news spread throughout the whole plant pretty fast. The area it happened was shut down and they instantly started installing safety catches and thinking of ways to prevent something like this from happening again. E-mails were sent to all the superintendents and supervisors, but no one told my dad's supervisor that it was his employee's daughter that was involved in the incident, he found out after my dad found out and told him. Dad got his permission to come home early so he could be with me. He called me first, and I told him over the phone what had went down. I started crying. Cody held me as I cried and I was crying for about a half hour. When my dad walked through the door and Cody left, I started crying all over again and Dad held me and he talked to me about what was happening at the mill and his story about how he found out and I told him how I kept thinking about it.

"I can't take it.. I keep thinking about it... what if the lifts didn't stop?"

"That's the dangerous thing about the psyche. You can't let yourself think about those 'what if..?'s and get yourself in that place. Nothing major happened and you just have to be thankful it wasn't any worse than it was."

He called my mom. I should have called her earlier.. don't know why I didn't. He told her that I was involved in a safety incident at the mill that could have been worse than it was but that I was fine, just sore.

"Your daughter was involved in a safety incident at the mill that could have resulted in her being.. worse than hurt..."

Worse than hurt. Those words have stuck with me more than others. Imagine your father telling your mother that their child (you) were in an incident where you could have been "worse than hurt". What, injured?

Dead?

Sure, I guess it could have been fatal, if you really think about it. Just sayin'. My body would have been crushed if it were forced into that gap. My chest is hurting the most right over my heart. Broken ribs could have resulted in punctured lungs.. crushed heart and internal organs... yes, these thoughts have crossed my mind. Maybe my back would have been snapped. Paralysis? Possible.

Fuck..

I went to the hospital last night to get my chest looked at. The prognosis was bruised muscles between the ribs, nothing more. This incident didn't leave too much physical damage. But as I said before, I'm still hurting. It's just in the mind.

I'm getting used to the morbid thoughts, I guess. It's haunting, but what else can I do? I've talked about it with my parents, my supervisors, and this morning I told some people really high up in the mill about it for the investigation reports. I started crying and so they drove me home again. My poor truck is still sitting in the parking lot. I get the weekend to recover some more and then I'll go in Monday and we'll see where it goes from there.

I've thought about quitting, but this job pays so well, I don't think I could afford it. My mom is saying I should face my fears and try and move on.

"You're tough and you don't cry often, you can get through this... hang in there!"

My dad is saying that if I don't feel safe to work there, then I need to act based on that. If I don't feel comfortable working there, then I won't be a safe worker. I'd be worrying all the time and I wouldn't be able to keep my mind on the job like I need to. It's more my choice than anything, no one can make it for me. I think they might move me somewhere else on Monday, they can see that I don't want to stay there. I told them I'm no longer comfortable working in that part of the mill. Hell, I never wanted to go there in the first place.

Melissa has been mostly silent, she hasn't really asked me anything about it. I'm pretty sure my dad told her pretty much everything and more. I think he likes to vent to her about me, her being my twin and all. This morning, when I went into the bathroom that I share with her to get ready to go into work, I found a message/picture on the mirror from her written in lipstick. It was the lyrics to "You Are My Sunshine" and a little insider note underneath it. It made me cry for a minute, it really meant a lot. I'm sure she knows I'm hurting and I think she's hurting a bit too. (Love you, Nadia.)
And I was a bit surprised to find out that my brother in Vancouver didn't hear about it yesterday. I realized it when I tweeted a little blurb about it this afternoon and he was asking what happened.. I guess that's what happens when he lives a province over?

But falling asleep last night was difficult. I kept picturing me in different accidents and incidents and the results were me being crushed by wood. When I did fall asleep, I'd wake up due to my chest aching. It hurts to inhale and exhale and different movements set it off too. When I lie down, it feels like there is something heavy sitting on/in my chest.

Sometimes I ask myself, and I've even asked others, if I am over-reacting. Of course everyone I ask say I'm not.. but sometimes I feel like I am. And I feel that I should have known better.. Why didn't I wait for the lift to stop? I feel like it was my fault, even though I've been told so many times that it wasn't.

"It wasn't your fault... We're not looking for anyone to blame here, just trying to figure out what happened and doing all that we can to prevent it from occurring again.."

This isn't going to be easy for me to get over it, I know that. I know that it hurts every time I think about it. It hurts every time I breathe in and it's a rude reminder.

It's just...
why me?

I will go if you go with me.

2010-05-24T19:50:00.003-06:00

Alcohol is an amazing thing.
'Kind of ridiculous, actually. I'm fairly disappointed of how it affected me this long weekend when I went out camping with Cody and a bunch of his friends. Melissa came out too, but I was pretty far gone by the time she arrived (in other words, I was so drunk I don't remember it). Not good.

All things considering, the weekend was fun. I had a good time, I just wish I wasn't so shy when it came to meeting Cody's friends. I preferred spending a lot of the time in the motor-home. Well, for the first two days, anyways, but by the time I started getting comfortable with everyone, the weekend was practically over and the partying was slowing down.
Good one, Rachel.
Actually, the one night that I probably shouldn't have missed (the night when everyone was having fun and drinking), I had drank so much that afternoon that I had passed out before things started getting exciting. Yeah. Smooth.
But I did enjoy the weekend! I got to spend time with Cody (always a good thing) and his friends and we did have fun. It was nice to sit and relax around a fire and not work or worry about having to do anything. I shut my phone off and didn't check it all weekend.

Work. Work is work.
I won't say I hate it.. I've had worse jobs, one's that I've disliked more. This job at the mill is just.. tough. I've never worked a work day over 9 hours long and this one is 11.5 hours. Not only is it long, it's pretty laborious too. Being new probably doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure I'll get used to it after a while, but at the moment I am finding it hard to keep up with production. By the end of the day, my mind is mush and I zone out driving home; by the end of my first week, I felt exhausted and slept for about 10 hours straight afterward, even though I've been getting 7+ hours every night that week. It's a bit daunting and I'm not looking forward to going back tomorrow morning, but this is the best paying job I could get and I'm sure I'll feel better once I get my first paycheck this Friday.
I hope I don't become the weak little kid on the crew. Not too mention that I'm a girl, that would make things even worse if I couldn't keep up. I don't need to deal with people complaining about me being too slow or something.

Fuuuuck. I need to get some sleep so I'm not stumbling around tomorrow. Yeah, my bed time is around 8-10PM now. Preferably 8:30PM. Around there, anyways. So far, the more sleep, the better.

Rachel

she's tougher than she thinks.

2010-05-15T12:39:00.002-06:00

I love bragging about how pretty my sister is.

Fierce © RSP

Mhmm.

stop waiting for Friday. live now.

2010-05-13T10:21:00.006-06:00

I hate it when you want to write something and the window just sits open and empty because you can't think of what to write and think that ignoring it for a while might help.
It doesn't.

But check this:
It's a wolfdog. I've been looking at pictures and breeders sites and I want one realllyyyy bad. (You can click the image to go to the website I got it from- this guy has a pack of them and has gorgeous pictures of them!)
So I've decided to get one when I grow up.
I guess they're pretty high maintenance, but I'm pretty sure I'd be willing to put up with that. They're gorgeous animals and I love dogs and wolves, so why not have the mix? Not to mention that I'd love to own such a photogenic breed. Their personalities and behaviors are awesome too, I get excited just thinking about owning one.
Haha.
I also wouldn't mind owning a dog that needs to be active as it would get me out of the house as well. I would love to have a good running partner, I'm sure training one to run with me wouldn't be hard at all.

Anyways.
This weekend I'm helping out running the lights and sound for a dance performance. I'm a bit iffy about this as it's sounding like the lady running the performance has quite high expectations as to how the lighting should look.. and we don't have that much time setting and programing the lights. Kind of annoying, but whatever. Not to mention that I am being talked up as having a really good eye for it all even though I don't think I'm as good at the lights as they are probably thinking. Well, I guess I'm just going to have to give it a shot and hope for the best. There is the rehearsal on Friday, which is when we'll be programing the lights and then two shows on Saturday and one on Sunday.
Man, I prefer drama performances way more than dances. Way more.

Last Sunday (Mother's Day), I woke up at 4:00AM and left the house by 4:45AM and drove out west in hopes of taking pictures of the sunrise with some mountains. I stopped at the gas station to fill up the Beast and the attendant there was curious as to what I was up to so early in the morning. Pretty sure he thought I was crazy since it was really overcast that morning and didn't look like there would be much to see. There wasn't, in town, but once I started heading west, the clouds started thinning and soon enough there wasnt' barely any clouds in the sky and the sun was able to coat the snow-covered mountains with a pink/orange light (the one picture on the very right hand margin of the page- 6:08AM- was taken that morning). It was an awesome morning. I saw a Skunk, several Coyotes, a herd of wild horses and a fair share of Elk. The flats in Ya Ha Tinda was gorgeous, the frost coated everything and made it all look white and sparkly.
Of course I didn't tell anyone I was going out there. I made the decision to go the night before and set an alarm on my phone and iPod, but didn't think of leaving a note or something for anyone who woke up and found me gone.
Silly me.
But I was back in time to wish my momma a Happy Mother's Day before heading off to church with the family at 9:30AM. I had left a card and gift on the table for her when she woke up, though.

Yeahhh. I still haven't been officially hired at the mill. It's pissing me off, but apparently they want to hire me, they just haven't found a place to put me. I guess the planer is full, which I'm kind of glad to hear because I haven't heard anything good about working at the planer. But a job would be nice right now.
At least I'm being paid $15/hour for this lighting gig.

My work-out regime is going... okay. I'm not losing really any weight. Well, scale-wise. I've been getting more toned, I guess, so I suppose I'm just losing fat and gaining muscle. I would like to lose the weight, though. I still have about 3 and a half months... but I need to really start working at it. Yesterday my sister and I went out for a run and we beat out previous times on the route. It was awesome, but I felt really weird afterward. I think I wasn't hydrated enough or something. But for not running and working-out much for the past week, I did pretty damn good. I'm thinking about running the hill today. It's probably best if I do.
Ugh, I hate worrying about my physical appearance. It's tiring and I always feel down about it. I can't remember the last time I was really satisfied with how I looked because no matter what I look like or what people tell me, I always think I am too fat or something. It's degrading.

Holy shmokes. I was worried that I lost this post when my computer battery suddenly died. Oh jeez.

I guess I should get ready for the day and actually accomplish something today.
I'm going to brush my Bud today. He's due for a good brushing. I'm going to take him for a swim afterward too. And take pictures of him, I haven't done that lately.
Good times.

Rachel

Oh. Shit, can't take him for a swim... apparently there's a bear in the river reserve and my folks are forbidding me from going down there. Boo.

life is beatiful.

2010-05-03T10:56:00.004-06:00

I love the song Life Is Beautiful by Sixx AM. It's awesome. A bit depressing, I guess, but I like it.

This weekend I spent the whole weekend with Cody (my bf, yo) and had a blast. I love being at his house and visiting with his family and I always have an awesome time hanging out with him. He's such a sweet guy. Yeahhhh, but we went to they gym (we practically go everyday, we're pretty good work-out buddies) and we watched movies and we shopped for things for the motor home and went back and worked on the motor home.

What's the motor home, you ask? Allow me to show you:
I know, right? It's quite the machine. Cody has a bunch of stuff planned for it and there's a lot of work to do, but we're both realllyyyy excited to work on it and get it all 'pimped' up. I guess I'm not the best person to help him work on it as I don't know much about wiring or anything to do with the engine and shit like that, but he's teaching me stuff as we go along and I help him out with whatever I can. It's got a wicked engine in it though, the idle sounds like it belongs to a muscle car and it's got quite a lot of power. I think it's got a 350? 360? engine in it. One of the two, haha. Ahh, man. I've got a lot to learn.

Well, I haven't heard from the mill as to whether I got the job or not. I went and wrote my aptitude test on Friday, that was pretty easy. I'm hoping to hear from them this week, sometime. I reallyyyy need the money, haha. Being flat-out broke sucks ass.
Real life sure knows how to kick me in the butt.

I've been doing fairly well with my work-outs. I am going to be running mostly at home this week instead of at the gym, so I'll be working on hills more. I'm noticing weight loss, even though the pounds aren't going down as fast as I'd like. Well, slow weight loss is better than fast, it's easier to keep it off that way.I'm doing the weight-lifting on the weekends, this weekend went a lot better than last weekend! My leg work-out was awesome, it felt really good. I'm getting stronger, so that makes me happy. I can't wait for the fall, though. I miss running with the team soooo much. I've been watching one of my team members run, and it's amazing. Willy Kimosop just won the Toronto Sporting Life 10km yesterday with an impressive lead and finish! He's such an inspiration and I'm sure he's going to go places, maybe the Olympics to represent Canada if he gets his Canadian citizenship. I hope I'll be able to run some of those races someday, I've never ran any big road races yet.

On Saturday, I got together with my friend, Memphis. I don't see her too often now that she moved two hours away. She invited me out riding and I had a lot of fun; I seriously can't remember the last time we both rode together. We went out to a her friend's place where she is keeping her horse. I rode her friend's horse, he is such a sweetie. A big softy. Anyways, I got some good pictures of Memphis and her horse, Freedom. They're doing amazing and look awesome together. She's working on cutting cattle and getting Freedom to be softer on the mouth. Freedom is such a beautiful horse, I love her face and the look she gets when she is listening to Memphis. Check it out:

Well, I guess I should get ready for the day and do something productive. Cody and I are going to the gym tonight and lifting more weights since we didn't go yesterday. He also needs to pick up some paint for the motor home so we'll be painting some of the dash and possibly the front grill tonight.
So excited for that motor home, man.

there is no one alive that is youer than you.

2010-04-29T13:38:00.004-06:00

You know what's worse than taking a drug screening test thing?

Not being able to pee when you have to pee in the stupid little cup.

Yes, I'm going to talk about this. Right meow (haha, I said meow) because I had to spend 50 minutes in the stupid clinic drinking about 500000 tiny dixie cups of water and waiting around until I had to go pee. Lucky me, though, I had three hours to wait until I had to go! I wasted two of the sanitary cups and mailing vials because I tried to go when I didn't really have to. But I have to tell you, I felt damn accomplished when I was finally able to go. First ever drug screening test thing: done and done.

I had to take the drug screening test thing and go through a medical exam because of the job I'm trying to get. The lumber mill gets its possible new employees to take the drug screening test thing, go through a medical exam and then write an aptitude test, which I write tomorrow at 9AM, before they actually hire them. I'm thinking I'll have no problems whatsoever, I'm just really wanting to get this job so I have some money flowing through the bank account and so I can pay back the people I owe money to. It's a work-in-progress.

So I'm working on getting back in shape and losing weight for the fall when I'm going to run on the Cross Country team again. I can see that I'm losing weight, but it's such a slow process, it drives me nuts. It seems so easy for the boyfriend to be able to lose the weight he wants (mainly water weight, he says, whatever that means), but it's taking a while for me to drop the pounds. Running is becoming easier, though, so that makes me happy. The other day, I told my sister to beat the time I ran that morning on the 3km loop that we run. She's a bit more fit than I am at the moment (while I was drinking my life away down south, she was actually running and being healthy), so I was expecting her to beat it.

She kicked my ass. She ran it almost 50 seconds faster than me, nearly a minute! That may not seem too much longer, but when it comes to running, seconds mean a lot. Unfortunately, the weather has prevented me from going out and running that loop and trying to beat her new time, but I've been running at the gym so when it does clear up, consider her time beaten. Hopefully. (I'll be severely disappointed in myself if I can't beat it..)

And yeah.

I'm so excited for the fall. Very much so!

you see, I can be myself now, finally; in fact, there's nothing I can't be.

2010-04-26T19:48:00.003-06:00

Yeah, life has been a nutty roller coaster so far this year.
It's awesome.

Not only have I been to Central America (visiting the countries Guatemala, Belize and El Salvador) and back, I've also decided to go back and have been accepted to Lethbridge College and take the Exercise Science program. I'm still working on getting residence paperwork completed, but it's looking pretty good! And since coming back, I started dating an amazing guy. He's possibly the sweetest guy I know and we're both really happy! Also in the works is a summer position at the lumber mill just outside town. It's probably the best paying job I'd be able to get here for just the summer, so I'm really hoping I'll be hired. We'll see!

I've been fairly busy, but fairly lazy at the same time. Coming back from Central America was sort of weird, I was able to jump back into life here pretty fast. I got a nasty head cold for about 3-4 days, but that's probably due to the climate change, which was big (going from the really warm and humid to dry and cold). The first real day back was wet, cold and windy; my dog and I got soaked and chilled on our walk when it pretty much started to blizzard on us. Not cool. My stomach has also been acting up from the difference in water and food, but it's getting better. I have medication for that and a pill for Malaria prevention, which I have to take for a minimum of a month after coming home.
It's been nice coming home, though. I was ready. The alcohol and drugs were insane down there and I was ready for a break. I also wanted something to do! A three month vacation without any sort of itinerary is a recipe for eventual boredom. I was going crazy the last two weeks there since we were all getting ready to come home and there wasn't much to do.

I can tell 'ya one thing, though: I sure as hell missed the Rocky Mountains. Haha, a lot. A few days after I got back, I jumped in my good ol' Beast ('86 Chevrolet Silverado - it's a tank and a piece of shit that I just so happen to adore) and went for a nice drive out west. Mountains and pine trees and Canada Geese; it was awesome.

Yeah.
I'm probably going to be posting more now that I'm home again. I was too lazy to post about things while I was down south.. there would have been so much shit!
'Just glad to be home.

And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun, I hear my baby calling my name and I know she is the only one.

2010-01-31T11:00:00.002-07:00

Yeah, it's been a fair while, hasn't it?
Well, here's a little update, then!

I'm currently sitting in a hostel in Flores, Guatemala, which is by Lake Petén Itza. It's a beautiful place here, but pretty boring if you have nothing planned or if it's raining, as it is doing now. The hostel has a community area and only part of it is covered. It's really nice, the rain is causing a cool breeze and it feels nice with all the humidity. It's brutally humid here (well, actually, it's not too bad; I'm not used to lots of humidity) and hot. I like the heat, though, and the sun; my tan is coming along quite nicely! I need to work on my legs though, my arms are quite a bit darker than my legs. Wearing pants more than shorts doesn't really help.

Living on the road and out of my backpack is a new and exciting experience for me; I'm loving it so far. I have a small amount of clothing that doesn't even take up half of my backpack, I suppose majority of the space is taken up by books; I packed Anna Karenina and Family Happiness by Leo Tolstoy, Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer, Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller, Bambi by Felix Salten (just found that book in Antigua at a used book store- I was so happy!). I think that's all.. but I'm also packing around my laptop and some liquids, towels and other miscellaneous items. The feeling of having all you need on your back is awesome, I love it so much! I love my pack.

Yesterday, my friend and I went to Tikal to see the Mayan ruins. It was fantastic, we climbed three temples and wandered through the jungle. I was happy to hear that Tikal was George Lucas' inspiration for the Ewok's and the bases on Yavin 4 in Star Wars. I could definitely see the resemblance. The whole forest was amazing, it's seemed so tropical and awesome, it was almost fake. It reminded me of the tropical exhibit in the Calgary Zoo, so that's why I was thinking it didn't feel as real. But everything felt old; the stones had different types of moss growing on them and were black with age, all the plants and trees were huge and had long vines hanging off them. We actually saw some Spider Monkey's in the canopy too! And some.. Pizotes? Yeah, they were so cute. Some British guys were calling them Nose Bears. They make cute little chirping noises and it looked like there were three babies and an adult; I wanted to take one home with me. Yeah, Tikal was a great experience! I was waiting for some dinosaurs to come crashing through or something, too; the whole place reminded me of Jurassic Park. Everywhere down here seems to remind me of it!

So far my travels have been great. I love it down here, but I don't think I'll ever feel really comfortable and truly at ease here. Homesickness has been an issue, but I'm getting a lot better. A lot. I'm feeling really comfortable right now, but that's because I'm talking to people from home. We are heading out sometime today, heading out towards the coast, I'm thinking! Hopefully, we really want to see the ocean.
For the past few days, I've been traveling with a girl I met in Antigua through my other friends. She's so nice, I like traveling with her. My one friend that I came down here to be with went to meet a friend of her's and spend some time with him before he left the country, so we split up for a bit. It was okay, we did just fine without her, but at first I wasn't sure if I was comfortable to travel around without her. But we're fine now, we're all back together.

The rain is crazy here. It's awesome. It's snowing back home. Ha. No regrets.

Rachel

I really need to learn Spanish.

2010-01-10T20:52:00.003-07:00

Still no sign of my luggage. I'm getting antsy, I need my backpack so we can leave and go see the country!
Stupid airports. I hate flying and security and everything. It's all too stressful.
So I've been wearing the same clothes for about 4 days now. I just bought some new shirts today, though, so I won't smell too bad, ha.

I'm so excited to go backpacking! Me and two friends are planning to go to Rio Dulce and hopefully the Caribbean coast. That would be awesome. Mannn, it's going to be so fucking sweet.
You know, I don't really mind not having my luggage. I've been getting by pretty well without it.

Ha, I don't really know what to talk about. So far my days have been lazy. We slept in until noon and didn't really leave the hostel until 2 in the afternoon. Wandering the city is pretty fun, we walk at such a slow pace, it's awesome. There's no where we have to be in a hurry so we take our time going everywhere.

Oh, exciting news: our hostel just got hot water today. That is bigggg news for us, me and my friend are so excited. The cold showers are so brutal.

But that's all I have time for. I'm at an internet cafe and my battery is dieing. So off I go!

Rachel

Hola.

2010-01-09T12:56:00.002-07:00

I don't know why blogging seems like a chore right now, I have more than enough to talk about.
Bahhh. I'm tired. Really tired.

Well, I'm in Antigua, Guatemala! After a very long day of flying, I arrived in Guatemala City at around midnight. I wish I could say the same for my luggage... I have been without my stuff for about two days now. I'm sure it's at the airport now, but I need to get an address and phone the airport so they can deliver it to me. Fuckkk.
But navigating the airports was pretty crazy. Especially LAX. Flying over Los Angeles was insane, I've never seen anything like it; it's HUGE. From the coast to the mountains and beyond, it's amazing. I didn't see much of Mexico City, it was dark and raining when I landed there.
I've been getting by with my lack of Spanish pretty well, luckily. I'm going to be taking Spanish lessons for sure though. I think I was the only one on the flight from Mexico to Guatemala who didn't know any Spanish. The stewardess didn't seem to be very nice though.

It's so different here; everything. The city feels like a movie set and has the feel of a mall. The streets are small and cobble stone and full of tourists. People from all over the world, it's neat.
One thing I like is how people greet each other; guys do this hand shake, it's like a grab and slide then pound the fists together; girls hug and kiss each on the cheek. That's how guys greet girls too, the kiss on the cheek. Everyone is so personal here.
You can also walk around drinking in public. And foreigners usually don't get ID'd either.
Listening outside, I hear birds that I'm not familiar with. I've only seen one bird so far though, it was like a magpie or something but with a solid yellow and navy blue mix and without the long tail. Also there is lots of dogs barking; there's quite a few strays running around. There is a Guatemalan family next door and their kids are cute when they start talking in Spanish. Little Spanish speaking children are the cutest.
I want to go out and take pictures but I can't leave the house; my friend didn't leave the keys before he left to go surfing and so if I left, I couldn't get back in. Smooth. There's three volcanoes that surround Antigua and there's quite a scenery around the city. Bah, I want to go take pictures! Tomorrow, I suppose.
I'm going to move into a hostel with my other friend tonight, I think. I don't like having to depend on my friend to let me in and out because he doesn't have an extra set of keys. And there is only two beds and a hammock so someone is always outside.

Ahh, I want my thinggggs. Clothes that belong to me would be nice instead of wearing guy clothes. I actually wore his deodorant yesterday as well since I didn't have any (I now have lady's deodorant, I didn't like smelling like a man). Also, I would like to shave my legs. I'm wearing shorts and I don't like having fuzzy legs with shorts. Ha. Man, I'm just glad I have my camera and laptop; if I didn't have them then I'd lose it for sure. And all my money.

I miss people back home, though. Even though I wanted to come here so bad, I still miss home. I think it's only natural.
90 days.

Rachel

Only two days left; oh shit.

2010-01-05T16:53:00.002-07:00

I leave for Guatemala on Thursday.
Fuck me.
It's very crazy, my body is on the fritz right now- stress has been making me so uptight. Even when I went drinking the other night, I was still feeling stressed; the alcohol didn't seem to help me unwind at all, only exaggerate my stressful moods.
Well, I'm almost there, though.

I booked my flight today, two days before I leave. Leaving that until the last minute was the most stressful thing I did; looking for tickets freaked me out because all the flights were costing at around $1000USD. I lucked out with a $630 flight. That lifted a bunch off of my shoulders.
Packing will be fun with my room being a complete mess. I'll have a bunch to do tomorrow, getting all my shit together.

The airline security going into the US will be a blast with the heightened security measures they're taking. It should be fine, I don't see why I'd have any problems going through customs but it's always stressful going through the checks. They say I can't have any carry-on bags, but I can take my laptop, and camera. Can I take it in a backpack then? Or would that be considered a carry-on? It's kind of confusing, but again, I don't think I'll have that much of a problem with three or so items in a small backpack.

I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye to a few people though.. but I know I'm going to be back in 3 months for sure, so I guess I can say "I'll see you soon/later" or something instead. It still sucks going away.

This is going to be a flippin' gong show.
Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen.

Rachel

Closing in on 10 days.

2009-12-29T21:13:00.002-07:00

I'm leaving in about 10 days. Well, make that 9 days, this day is pretty much over.
I tend to go back and forth between feeling scared shitless about leaving to wishing I could leave right now. It pretty much depends on how my parents treat me; whether or not they order me around versus letting me do whatever I want. So far I've been doing whatever I want, so it makes me wonder why I should leave because I've been having a pretty good time here.
But no matter what, I'm going. It's been about... one month? A little more? since I've decided to travel down to Guatemala. It's insane how fast one can make decisions and put dreams into actions when one puts their mind to it.
Actually, it's beautiful.

I've been feeling fairly rebellious lately. My folks have been lecturing me a bit on my drinking; my dad says that I need to learn how to limit myself once I start because if I can't do that, then that's the first signs of alcoholism. Maybe I should be more worried about it, but I'm not. You only live once, I'm sure I'll grow out of drinking and get sick of it; I'd probably find something else to keep me occupied and such once I leave. Well, actually, I was a bit worried about it; I guess it's kind of like how I feel about leaving- sometimes I worry about it, but sometimes I don't give a damn. I think it's related to how my parents treat me again. For example, tonight I was supposed to go out drinking with my brother and two of my friends, but my brother ditched and I wasn't feeling like going out anymore. That feeling changed once my parents (more my dad) voiced something about me staying home because I'll be drinking tomorrow night with another friend and then again the next night (New Years) in the city at a pub, and drinking three nights in a row probably wouldn't be good for me. Now I'm hoping that my two friends still want to drink tonight, just because my dad doesn't really want me to. Talk about rebellious teen angst.

My sister bought the movie Girl, Interrupted the other day and I really liked it. I thought it was a beautiful movie. Angelina Jolie's role as Lisa Rowe was amazing and Winona Ryder's role as Susanna Kaysen was really good too.
For some reason, I wanted to be like one of those girls. I'm not too sure why.. I just wanted to relate to someone, maybe Lisa. I liked her attitude. Don't ask me why, who would want to be in pain like some of those girls and live in a mental hospital?

Still waiting on those friends.. still wanting to go out tonight!

Rachel

Realization smacks us in the face.

2009-12-17T21:10:00.003-07:00

This is going to be another sad, emo blog. I apologize in advance if it makes you roll your eyes or something.
But I'm going to see if I can write this without giving away anything. Well, without giving away a lot. If it doesn't make sense to you, I don't really care.
This is a vent blog.
And I'm about to explode.

I realized it yesterday morning. I was talking to my sister on Skype when it suddenly hit me, so I said I had to go. I didn't really have to go anywhere or do anything, I just felt like someone had smacked me in the face and I wanted to shut down- I turned off the laptop, turned off my phone, and just.. well, sat there. I didn't know what to do. After a while, I wrote in my journal, sat in a daze, zoned in and out of thought. My phone is still turned off, I only turned on my laptop to blog because I want to actually feel like I'm telling someone something. My journal sits only for me to read, but this blog can be accessed by anyone. Anyone can read this.

My moods have varied these past two days; I had an amazing time at my friend's 18th birthday. It was an absolute blast! I danced and drank a lot and I didn't feel too bad the next day. But the realization came that morning, so I blamed my depressed mood on a hangover. Like I said before, I turned off my phone and it's been off ever since. I told a friend that I threw up because I didn't want to hang out, even though I was physically feeling alright. But now, every time I eat, I feel like throwing it up afterward. My motivation to do anything has left me. I swear in front of my parents because, frankly, I don't care anymore. I sit around and stare into nothing, knowing full well that my dad is watching and growing worried and probably thinking I'm going into another depression. At this point, I don't really care; bring it.

I feel like crying my eyes out, but the tears won't run. It amazes me how something that affects you emotionally can feel like it's affecting you physically as well. It feels like something has deflated and is sitting heavy in my chest. Right now, breathing is slow, as if I'm sleeping. I feel tired in the day and evening and nap, but come night time, sleep doesn't follow. My mind is constantly running. Thoughts zoom around, flying behind my open eyes. I lay in bed, not wanting to stay in bed, but don't have anywhere else to go and nothing else to do. I feel like I can't escape and I have to wait out a storm of all these thoughts and memories. Eventually it'll pass and I'll drift into a sleep of sorts, but somehow I figure I will wake up feeling like I got no sleep at all.
My head hurts.
All this makes me feel weak and pathetic.

My parents try to be angry at me for my lack of respect or will to do what they ask but then they apologize for being angry with me and yelling. I can tell they are unsure of what to do and how to deal with me. My sister watches me, I know she understands how/why I do what I do more than my parents. I know she doesn't like it at times, but she still understands, I'm sure. Maybe she doesn't understand why, completely, but she understands what I'm doing.

I'm tired. Maybe sleep will come and bless me and my tired mind.
Maybe.
Sorry, again, for such a somber, mellow, depressing post.
It felt good to write it, though.

Rachel

To be young and ignorant.

2009-12-13T18:34:00.003-07:00

I'm starting to get tired of waiting around. Some days are worse than others, but mostly I feel useless. Yes, useless is a good word to describe how I'm feeling these days. Useless and.. ignorant. I choose to ignore things that I don't want to hear or pay attention to.

Honestly, I'm am really excited to go to Guatemala. Extremely, it's something I've wanted to do for such a long time; travel somewhere new and live life without any obligations to anybody.
There's a part of me, though, that feels so damn lost and asks why I'm going. What am I going to accomplish if I go to Guatemala? What would I accomplish if I stayed here and didn't go? It's going to be a life-changing experience, I'm sure, but feels a little irresponsible as well.
I'm hoping things will just fall into place and everything will be fine.
Maybe these are pre-travel nerves.
Or maybe it's PMS.
Or maybe I'm just hungover and feeling like crap and my crappy mood is affecting my thoughts about my travel plans.
Who knows.

Things that still need to be done.. well, I have to get my credit card. Then I need to get my money out of a trust fund. Then I need to buy my plane ticket. Then I need to pack/make sure I have/buy everything I need.
Then leave?
Hopefully?

God, I really want to visit my college friends before I leave. Badly. Unfortunately, I still can't see it happening.
And I don't know if I can get to the town an hour away to visit my friends from the summer.
I suppose it depends on when I leave. While looking at plane ticket prices, I was seriously discouraged when I saw that prices had jumped up around $200 in between Christmas and New Years, which is when I originally had planned to leave. I found a few flights that are priced at the same prices I had seen before the price jump, but they leave about a week after Christmas.. I suppose they will be my best bet, though. Then I can still go to the New Years party that I bought a ticket for and friends are expecting me to go to. And then it gives me time to visit my summer friends, if I can get there. I still can't see me being able to visit my college friends though, too much money and time to get down there. Ughhhh. Fuck.

Yeah. I've probably repeated shit I've said in previous posts, but whatever.
I'm just feeling shitty today. I went out last night (which was pretty fun!) and came back at 1:30AM pretty full of beer and some Screech (a Newfoundland drink; it's tasty, better than Scotch in my opinion!). I slept most of today away and watched the first Matrix movie.

What a lazy day.

Rachel

I'm the perfect disaster, you can't stop me.

2009-12-06T18:06:00.002-07:00

It's pretty much official now; I'll be flying to Guatemala sometime in the month of January (sounds like in the first week). My parents aren't fighting me about it anymore and now I'm really getting everything I need for this trip put together and hopefully it's going to go quite smoothly.

I'm so ready to go. Unbelievably so, but I'm going to miss some people, obviously.
Like I said before, it sounds like I'm going to be leaving as soon as possible after Christmas; my friend and a friend of hers will be waiting for me and then we're taking off backpacking. It's still kind of confusing and overwhelming, but I'm managing. Slowly.
I'm excited to pack for this trip too; I'm not going to be taking a lot of stuff. My backpacking pack will be my carry-on and then I'll probably have a small suitcase for checked luggage. Part of me is thinking the pack is going to be too big for carry-on though.. it's about a 55L pack that will be fairly full, I'm sure. We'll have to see. But I'm very excited to be living with limited amount of items and clothing and having mainly essential, practical items with me other than things I may want, but don't necessarily need.

I'm thinking it'll be a good change of living.
A very good change.

The result of leaving so close after Christmas is I am most likely not going to be able to go visit my college friends like I've been telling them I am planning to do in January. It pains me to be telling them I am probably not going to make it down there after I have been telling them the possible dates I was planning on coming down. I really do miss them and sometimes I don't think they really miss me as much as I do them (sounds kind of harsh and I don't really think it's true, but who knows), but it really is a kind of empty.. pain? that I do feel while realizing the chances of me visiting them before I go is narrowing.
Ahh, it's kind of a weird feeling.

Was this a short post? I think it's a bit shorter than what my previous ones have been.
Maybe not. Whatever.

I'm tired so it's off to bed for me. I had a pretty sweet night last night. Ha.
But that's another story for another day!

Rachel

Nothing is normal.

2009-12-05T12:18:00.002-07:00

So life right now has hit a lull. The lull before Christmas, I guess. Before everything suddenly bursts with stuff to do, people to see and everything.

I've been doing pretty decent; going to the gym with a friend for the past week and feeling pain like I haven't felt for quite some time, reading a book I haven't read in a while (I haven't read any book for a while- kind of sad!), sitting around. Yeah, nothing too exciting. A lull.

Yesterday morning was the start of a very windy snow storm. A province-wide blizzard, pretty much. You know it's pretty ridiculous when everyone's Facebook status' are about how stupid the weather is or how awesome it is (mostly the skiers and snowboarders are loving the weather, or those who just like winter). My Beastly truck is definitely feeling the weather. It doesn't like it, every little problem seems to suddenly appear when the temperature drops below -10 degrees Celsius. Things start to squeak and squeal, the engine stalls at least three times before giving in and letting me drive to where I need to go. It's definitely seen better days in the other three seasons.
But last night I went walking in the snow storm. Call me crazy (my dad did), but it was an enjoyable experience. I slid down the steep slopes of the large hill that guards the small town and ran down trails to try and somehow escape the winds and the needle-like snow. I would trudge through snow drifts that I had walked through only 15 minutes before but had no more trace of me being there and it turned out to be a decent leg workout. Today my quad muscles are really sore as I had done a leg workout at the gym earlier yesterday. It hurts to move.

I'm sort of stuck on the Guatemala front; I need to get money out of a fund and pay off student loans before I can do anything at this point.

Ahhh. Yeah. I don't feel like typing anymore.

Rachel

How low can you go before you can't turn around?

2009-11-30T01:12:00.004-07:00

Ha, that last post was an overload, I think, but that trip was a blast. Definitely one of the best things I've done, in my opinion. Quite a few people would disagree with me, but that's fine.

So I kind of want to write something but I don't know what I should write about.
How about a friend and I went drinking with my cousin and her boyfriend on Saturday and had a blast? Yeah, that was a fun night but I felt like shitttt the next day. I was surprised I didn't chuck or anything, just ended up sleeping it off for 4 hours, which is a surprise in itself since my new bed is so much harder than I'm used to without memory foam on it.
I feel spoiled sometimes. I'm determined to get used to it, though, without the memory foam. I don't want to have to buy any.

I'm going to go to the gym today with a friend. It should be interesting, I haven't done any running or major physical activity for a extended period of time for a while. It makes me sad that I'm just sitting around at home doing nothing and it's resulting in me gaining weight. I went on an hour long walk by myself last night at 10:00 because I hadn't done anything all day. Hopefully going to the gym will help improve my energy level and get my weight down to what it was at the end of the summer. That would be awesome.

It sounds like I'm going to be job hunting for a job during the month of December; just for the Christmas season to bring in some more money. It's going towards my Guatemala fund.
I'm really planning on flying down there in the spring! Really, I'm completely serious about going, I've found a decent language school down there where I can organize somewhere to stay and learn Spanish from. The plan is for me to spend a minimum of two weeks there and then see how much money I have and how much Spanish I can understand/speak. My friend said she'd help me with my Spanish too. Then we'd travel around, just living life and seeing Guatemala and meeting new people. It'll be awesome, totally awesome.
My parents aren't really gung-ho with the whole plan, but have pretty much accepted that I am most likely going to go in the spring as long as I have money to get there, which I will. My dad told me that he appreciates that I at least asked them and talked to them first and didn't just go and buy a plane ticket and called them from Chicago telling them I was just waiting for my flight to Guatemala and he should probably pick up the truck from the Calgary airport. Part of me thinks I could never do that, leave to another country without telling them until I was halfway there. The other wander-lust, rebelious part of me thinks that would have been awesome. My sister said if I did that, she would have been irritable with everyone and jealous because I just took off without having to tell anyone and can do whatever I want. And she really wants to travel to, but school is keeping her quite occupied.

Anyways, I still have to pay off student loans that went to waste first before buying any plane tickets to Central America or paying tuition for any Spanish schools. Unfortunately, it's going to cut my fund pretty much in half.. I guess that's why I need a job.

Ah, gotta' love the real world. A piece of me thinks I'm just being ridiculous, planning everything like I am and not investing in something solid like school. Not going to lie, Guatemala seems wayyy better than any college or university. And I'm going to be going to school.. and going to learn a language so I can understand what everyone is saying seems a lot more practical to me right now than writing paper upon paper on theories or something like that.

Rachel.

Fucking around and experiencing life.

2009-11-25T13:22:00.007-07:00

Man, I don't know where to begin.

I guess it started when I got my truck insured on the Monday morning that was November 23, 2009, as well as deposited two fairly big scholarship checks that most likely won't be spent on post-secondary education. My sister says I'm cheating the system by getting free money whose future probably won't involve college. I'm not going to lie when I say that I hope I won't have to spend anymore money on college, I really don't think it's for me.. we'll see.

The truck was insured so I could drive my sister back to her school. We were both pretty excited to go and spend the day together, just the two of us. We always have fun together. The day was spent going to a mall (which required some city driving. I think I did extremely well driving through the city, it boosted my driving confidence), buying expensive things and watching a movie. I think my sister was a bit embarrassed by my truck at times, but that's okay: I still love it.

(FYI: it's taken me about.. 6 hours to write this much. I've been running back and forth, doing other things. Just though I'd let you know how much effort I put into these things!)

Well, after I dropped my sister off at her college, I started my drive home, alone and in the dark. The thought had popped into my head earlier on the way to Calgary (where my sister goes to school), but as I was driving home, it came again: I was going to be driving over the Trans Canada Highway.
Ah, where does that highway go?
Why, yes, it does go across Canada. But the part where it goes into the mountains is the part I cared about and I wanted to go to the mountains badly. So what did I do?
Well, I sat in the parking lot of the gas station sitting right by the overpass and Highway 1, contemplating the pros and cons of me taking off down the highway instead of going back home. I ended up turning around and started heading home, thinking that I couldn't go driving into the mountains, I had an eye appointment sometime this week and it was too reckless. A Tim Hortons sign caught my eye so I pulled in and grabbed a medium mocha. As I sat in the parking lot, I texted my mom, asking when my eye appointment was. The idea of turning back to Highway 1 was still pounding my mind. She told me it was in two days.
A lot can be accomplished in two days.
More specifically, a lot of driving can be done in two days. I could go on a two day adventure, it's enough time for me go somewhere in the Rockies and satisfy my mountain fixation for a little while at least!
So that's exactly what I did.

The drive was dark, windy and quite exhilarating. I was accompanied by mainly semi trucks and their wickedly bright headlights reflecting in my mirrors. Driving into the Rockies, the first town you go through is Canmore. I've been through the town many times before, but this being the first time I was there by myself, well, it was pretty exciting. It took me a bit longer than I thought to find the information center, where I parked my truck for the night and called my parents. Let's just say they weren't entirely pleased. I think sometimes my dad needs to give the world and I some more credit. It seems that to him, I am next to defenseless and the world is a very dangerous place with mad people wanting to hurt me.
It drives me nuts. Yes, there are some people out there who aren't the nicest, but majority of humans don't want to hurt others! I'm sure they would rather help than hurt. He worries way too much. It's unhealthy to worry too much. Just cut me some slack, please!

Sleeping in the truck was okay; it was hard finding a comfortable position. Not to mention that the heater wouldn't work unless I was actually driving the truck! It was a good thing that Melissa brought one of my blankets that morning or I would have been pretty chilled, even with my big, parka-like coat and gloves. When I decided to start driving again, it was still dark and fairly early in the morning because I didn't want to try and sleep anymore.

That morning I actually drove back and forth between Canmore and Banff quite a few times.. I just couldn't decide where to go. I tried driving down Highway 1, but there was so much snow blowing and I couldn't see, so I turned around and went back to Canmore. Then I tried again as the weather was clearing up and tried to drive up the Bow Valley Parkway but that failed as it was covered in snow and I was sliding all over the place, so I turned around again and went back to Canmore. It came down to the point when I was going to head home, but I saw two guys on the side of the road that looked to be around my age. I turned around and was going to see if they needed help or a ride or something, but they were gone. So, I kept going west on Highway 1 and found that it had cleared up immensely and at least the one lane was mostly free of snow and ice. No more turning around!

Okay, since I'm getting tired of typing this out, I'll make it short and sweet from now on. I didn't stop a lot the rest of the day. I think I probably stopped around 3-4 times between going from Canmore to Golden and back to Canmore. My favourite place I stopped at was Vermillion Lakes (I went there on the way to Golden and then on the way back). It's a small side road that goes along the lakes. Very pretty, it has an awesome view of Mount Rundle. Yeah, I drove all the way to Golden, British Columbia. It was wicked.

The gas prices in Golden was wicked too; it was $109.09 a liter there! The whole trip cost a pretty penny.. that truck sucks gas like you can't believe, but after that trip, I'm sure my truck could drive to hell and back. I was sure pleased with it and glad it didn't fall apart or die on me up there! The only damage it received was from the deer I clipped on the last stretch (not even an hour away from home!). Damn thing jumped out right in front of me from the left, so I braked and went left as it was already on my right and the right headlight and corner got crunched as it hit the deer's flank. Stupid.. I don't even care about the deer; I was sooo close to home and I was tired of driving. But the sunset leaving the Rockies was pretty. It's always pretty in the mountains at sunrise and sunset; the lighting is amazing.

It was a lovely trip. My parents were more happy to see me than angry. Mom was seriously worried about my dad's blood pressure, I guess it's been kind of high lately and me taking off like I did didn't help. My sister told me she was jealous of me. I don't blame her, she's got a lot of school work on her plate. My brother said I was ridiculous and couldn't believe I did that.

Now I feel like I can go anywhere I want, which is awesome. Even though my parents would flip if I took off again. They told me not to do that ever again.. we'll see. They said that they would have let me gone if I had approached it from another way, but I know that's bullshit. They wouldn't have let me go; fat chance. Dad would've said it's not safe and the truck isn't fit to drive in the mountains. Whatever.

My eyes are now sighted on Guatemala. We'll see how this will fly. I have a good friend living down there now and I've been talking with her about it quite a bit. My parents said they'd think about it.
I've already made my decision and I'm sick of waiting for theirs. I've been doing it for 18 years.

Rachel

Have you heard? Bird is the word.

2009-11-21T22:38:00.004-07:00

Holy shmokes.
I don't think I've partied like I did last night since.. possibly graduation.

What a flippin' gong show; a drinking game was played, secrets were shared, stupid things were done, drunken wanderings took place and there was even people throwing up.
Oh wait.. that was just me.
There was also lots of singing and shouting (singing Shots by LMFAO and shouting "Have you heard? Bird is the word! Bird, bird, bird; bird is the word...", like Peter Griffin from Family Guy), a crazy trip to Tim Hortons and we climbed all over a tank. A dirty car was licked, empty cans placed on vehicle antennas, playing at a park, and a trip to the bar, but since someone forgot their identification, even though we went back to my friend's place just to grab our identification, we didn't go in.
Ah, that would be me, again.
We were actually quite surprised in the morning after discussing what we could remember from last night's adventures that nobody called the cops on us; I'm quite sure that we were raising quite a ruckus.

I've come to the realization (again) that I should really watch how much I drink. So far, I haven't controlled my drinking at all and normally wake up the next morning hearing from my friends what things I did while being overly intoxicated. At least I've been quite lucky to have friends around who look after me and make sure I don't do anything EXTREMELY stupid. It's kind of embarrassing, though, telling people what we did, because of course our drunken meanderings would seem ridiculous to someone who wasn't there drinking as well, and most of the stories I would tell them were told to me first since I don't usually remember them.

Oh yeah, I define responsibility.

Monday`s going to be sweet. I get to drive my sister to her university and it`s going to be a blast because it`s just going to be us; no parents.
I`m discovering that my independence has been lacking since I`ve returned to living with my parents. They told me since I`m living under their roof again, they get to make the calls. So I`m feeling like a child once again.
I do like being home, though. It`s a lot more relaxing and I`m not nearly as stressed as I was. I just need to get a job.. which unfortunately isn`t very easy in this small town.

I`m thinking I`ll be going to the gym again. It`ll pass time and it`s something productive to do. It also makes me feel and look better, so that`s a plus. Those 10 pounds I gained was a slap in the face and I don`t like it. Running doesn`t feel as good as it used to, I can`t keep my faster pace comfortably anymore.

Ahhh, yeah. Life`s just full of highs and lows.

Rachel

Here we go again.

2009-11-19T00:26:00.003-07:00

You can't run away from them, Rachel. They always will find a way to make your life seem a bit more difficult that you want it to be.
Well, boys will be boys. Where would we be, girls, without boys gushing their feelings to us someway, whether it's directly telling us they like us or somehow sliding it in, like telling us that our name reminds them of a love song? And isn't it funny when two guys will tell you in the same night?
Hilarious.

Homehomehome.
Moving back in with the parents has been okay. It's been nice, I no longer feel lonely anymore. Weekends have been good and are sounding like they will be spent hanging out with friends, which is awesome. Even friends from Lethbridge! I'm pretty excited. I miss my friends from Lethbridge, really. I tend to go back and forth whether I truly miss them or not and consider them to be real friends or just drinking buddies, but I really think that they're friends. They are awesome people and I'm glad to have met them.

Man, I need to stop fiddling with my nose piercing. It's growing into bad habit and it'll probably get infected or something.
Not to mention it probably looks like I'm picking my nose whenever I do it.
Lovely.

I took some pictures with my DSLR for the first time in months today and I got some pretty decent shots too. My subjects were my Bud (he looks so beautiful, I love my puppy!), plants and leaves covered with the morning's frost and moose! Yes, moose! I have seen a cow with twin calves for the past 3 days when I go on a walk or run so I decided if I saw them again today, I would return the dog at home and go back with my camera to photograph them. It was fun to hang out with moose again, I haven't done it in quite some time!

Ahh, me thinks it's bed time. My mom and I have hair appointments at 9AM this morning, so I better get some sleep so I don't look so haggard.

G'night, mateys.

Rachel

There's no place like... the parent's place..?

2009-11-13T10:32:00.003-07:00

Yep, I'm moving back in with the parents today. I can feel my independence cry inside but I think I'm going to enjoy living there again. At least for a little while.

The 'rents will be here in about an hour and a half. I'm still in my pajamas, my room is a complete mess and I can't really tell if I'm done all my packing... I think I've packed as much as I can, but with everything strewn across my room, it's hard to tell. Whatever, it's just going to be thrown into the back of the van anyways.

I think both my parents are coming to get me. I was sort of hoping it would just be my dad, but my mom texted me saying they were going to be here around noon. Now I get to sit in the back, one seat, with all my crap crammed in around me. Great, it's going to be great.

God, I still have my "friend's" stupid hoodie and he won't even reply to me to get it back! He's been acting like a douche. For about a month. He's been acting so stupid... Maybe even bit longer than a month. Whatever, I guess I have myself a new hoodie!

I really should get to packing. I have way too much stuff. sigh.

Last blog from this stinkin' city!
Woohoo?

Rachel

Righteously, totally HOT!!

2009-11-10T23:42:00.002-07:00

I received a text tonight from a friend that I made last summer and he told me I looked "righteously, totally HOT!!" after I sent him a picture that my sister took of me this weekend with my phone (he requested a picture for his phone).
I literally laughed out loud and couldn't stop laughing and was worried about how close I was to actually crying. Based off of my reaction, I have come up with the conclusion that I am slowly going crazy. Or something of the sorts.
He was just giving me a compliment, "nothing more", he said. Seriously, my self esteem has been in the crapper lately because I've gained some weight in the past month or so and I feel so self conscious all the time. I know I'm just being ridiculous, but I almost dread going out in public because I feel so crappy about myself. Yes, it's ridiculous. So upon reading this text, I instantly started thinking about how he must be mistaken: the angle the picture was taken at must be hiding how I really look like and since the picture was sent in a text, it is hard to see detail because it's so small and so he can't see how I really look like now. Stuff like that.

Jeez.

Tomorrow night, I am going to the bar to meet up with my college buddies. I'm so pumped, I haven't seen them in a while and I hate being in my room all the time. I'm so excited to get out and actually do something and socialize with people. Real, live people.

I can't wait to move home. It'll be nice to hang out and spend time with friends from high school. I'm not really looking forward to looking for a job though, it doesn't sound like there is many employment opportunities there. Oh well, I'll find something, I'm sure. Hopefully it'll be decent. And I'm looking forward to walking my dog again in the river reserve! Holy, and walking with my mommy and grandma in the mornings. It'll be fantastic. I hope that I'll start taking pictures again as well. My camera has been hiding away in it's bag for close to three months now.. it's quite sad.

In the kitchen of my small, dark basement (okay, it's not really dark or anything), there is a big wall plaque-thing that has the poem Desiderata printed on it. I've read it over several times since moving here and I really like it. It's pretty motivational, I guess. The one line "you are a child of the universe, nothing less than the trees and the stars" is my favourite. It definitely makes one think because the stars are great balls of gas, swirling around, billions and billions miles away.
Ha, I feel special now!

I should go to sleep now. My sleep schedule has been retarded, I never seem to go to sleep earlier that 11:00PM. Ever. No matter how hard I try. It's mainly due to my brain not knowing when it should shut off and take a flippin' break when I want a break. I have so many thoughts flying through my headddd.

Well, toodles.

Rachel

I love/hate dreams.

2009-11-08T09:33:00.002-07:00

Dreams are sweet and awful at the same time and I don't like it. They tease you, sometimes showing you what might happen if you get what you want most. They give you a taste of what you might really desire at the time, and it sucks when you have to wake up and discover that, hey, it was just a dream!

I've been dreaming about the same thing ever since I came to spend the weekend with my sister and I guess it's about something I've been really wanting lately. But there's really nothing I can do about it, so I suppose I'll just have to live with it.
Bah humbug.

Visiting my sister has been sweet so far. We've been sitting around, watching movies, eating candy and unhealthy food and braiding each other's hair. All that crazy girly stuff. It's been fun.

Yeahhh, not much going on besides that.. I guess that's all.
I just wanted to say that little bit about dreams. The dreams have been driving me nuts.

Rachel

And there's nothing you can do about it.

2009-11-04T21:42:00.003-07:00

In your face, college. Tomorrow, I am going to withdraw and there's nothing you can do about it. Chew on that for a bit and tell me how that tastes.
AND THEN YOU CAN EAT IT!

Seriously, though. I feel like laughing, crying, screaming, jumping up and down and more. It's unbelievable. I feel like a lot of people are judging me at this point, but I don't care because so much of me feels so relieved that I won't be skipping classes anymore and I won't have any failing classes on my transcripts that would follow me forever. I will still look like a responsible student if one were to base what kind of student I am from looking at them. And it makes me happy.
Oh so happy.

Telling my Cross Country coach really wasn't as scary and heat-wrenching as I thought. It was actually quite easy and I quickly became annoyed when he went on trying to tell me ways I could stay in school and still run Nationals.
Yeah, I'm not running Nationals. It's one race and even though it's the biggest race of the season and would have been the biggest race I've ever ran, it wasn't worth it to me to have failing grades on my college transcripts for the rest of my life so I could run it. So, I'm giving it up.

I'll be moving back home in about 2-3 weeks, I think. I'm so excited. My dad said I'll have to find a job fairly quickly though, he doesn't want me just sitting around. I think I'll probably go waitress or something. Maybe even apply at the lumber mill. Who knows. We'll see how things roll when we come to that hill.

Can you smell that?
No?
Well, I can, and it smells like sweet, sweet freedom in the air.
(That was so corny, but I don't know if you've noticed; I don't really care about what other people think right now!)

Rachel

Holy snot.

2009-11-02T12:36:00.003-07:00

This morning I woke up at 7:25. Luckily, I was blessed with 3 more hours of sleep. Now, I feel like crap.

My poor nose. All morning, I've been sneezing my face off and it's resulted in a big nose bleed, both nostrils. It took about 20 minutes to get it under control, and then I blew out a huge blood clot. That was nasty, but the sneezing still continues. I feel like a stuffed up, snotty mess. 'Just thought I'd tell you about it. Ha. To me, it was so disgusting, it was funny. Seriously, it was making me giggle. It was one of those weird moments.

Tomorrow my parents are coming for this banquet for the athletes.. I really don't want to go. I don't feel like going anywhere anymore. Except for that academic appointment. By Wednesday or hopefully by the end of the week, I will figure out if I'm staying in school or not. I just want to go home, get myself together and figure out what I REALLY want to do.

Lately, I've kind of wanted to go skating. I want to play hockey, but I know I can't skate well enough and, well, I'm not that good at it.

Ahh, man.

You know what I what to do?
I want to go home and get a job. Hopefully, it will pay decently, because I want to get my own vehicle. I would like it to be a truck, maybe a smaller one, but one that can handle tougher driving conditions. A car would be fine too, though. I'll be saving money as well, obviously. Maybe on long weekends and such I'll go out on camping trips. Out in the mountains. See if some friends want to come along.
I can't wait until summer.

Rachel

I found it.

2009-11-01T15:12:00.002-07:00

I found my bedroom floor. It was hiding underneath all my clothes and garbage and whatever else I had thrown on the floor in the past month. The vacuum sucked up so much junk, it was gross. I'm surprised I let my room get that dirty though. It's nice that it's clean again, it makes me feel better about being in the room.

My cross country team won the title of Provincial Champions yesterday! Both the men's and woman's team. It was awesome, even though I didn't run my best due to being sick. I was wheezing for the last bit of the course, but at least I didn't drop out of it or anything. I figured if I couldn't place top ten, I could at least run the whole race and finish. That's pretty much all my coach had asked of me since I was sick. That and to come back with a vengeance for Nationals.. so I guess I'm going to be training hard for the next two weeks!

Uggggh, my nose is bothering me today. And my cough sounds nasty and phlegmy. Even the word phlegm looks gross. I don't like being siccckkkk.

Rachel

Those things I miss.

2009-10-30T20:27:00.002-06:00

You know those little moments that you never really valued at the time you had them? Yeah, I miss those.

Running for the team at the college has been absolutely amazing. I am probably happiest when I am with the team, they are such awesome people. I have also learned how great it is to run with a team; I was so used to training by myself, but now I really enjoy running with my teammates. Even if there is barely any conversation, just their presence can encourage me to keep going. But I have grown to miss running by myself, just for the fun of it. Training for all these races have lost it's flare. I want to run for myself now, not for a coach. I want to run for fun, not because I need to be fit and improve my time. I need new motivation to run. I need different scenery.

Another moment I miss is when I would go out walking with my dog. He would be off-leash and I would take tons of pictures of him and of the surrounding scenery. Sometimes I'd get pictures of moose or deer that were hanging around in the area. And then there were those early, winter sunrises. It would be around -15°C to -20°C some mornings and by the time we'd get home, poor Bud would be limping because a paw was too cold and my fingers would be so cold, they hurt. But seeing the morning light change the clouds and then those colors would be reflected on the snow that covered the frozen river.. lots of beautiful mornings. It's been a while since I took any pictures with my DSLR... probably about two months now. Photography used to be such a big hobby of mine, but whenever I pick up the camera, I feel no inspiration and I've just reached a point that any pictures that come out might be good, but not great or amazing.

It saddens me when two things such as running and photography have come to mean so little to me right now.

I am so close right now, so close to dropping out of college. It's like I've already walked to the edge and all there is left to do is jump, but I am building up the courage to do it.

Oh, I love my sister. She's so awesome.

But I have a race to run tomorrow, as much as I don't want to run it with this cold-thing I've caught.. it's a pain in the ass. And as I mentioned above, I've kind of lost interest with running at the moment. Well, for the college. Anyways, I need sleep.

Rachel

Over the line, can't define what I'm after.

2009-10-20T23:10:00.003-06:00

I want to go home.

Even though I thought I'd never think those words, there's always moments when one can surprise oneself. Right now, in my very independent life, I surprise myself; I miss home and would much rather be there than here.

Really, I'd rather be almost anywhere other than here and my reason behind such a statement is purely this: I. Hate. School.
I am not a student. I make a very poor student. Even though I made Honor Roll for my grade 12 year and have proven that I can get decent marks when I work hard, I lack the motivation to work at my studies. I am at the top of the charts when it comes to procrastination. Honestly, I don't do shit when it comes to homework. It's really quite pathetic.

College hasn't been looking good on me, either, even though I am on the cross country team. My eating habits are quite horrible and it's been showing. I really don't want to gain the famous freshman 15 at all, but it's looking like I will if I don't change how I'm eating. The drinking probably doesn't help at all. The amount of beer I've drunk in the past two weeks is kind of disgusting. I'm thinking about maybe going for a small run in the early morning and then practice in the afternoon. Of course, I'll have to start getting a proper amount of sleep as well, I know that essential to losing weight too.
It's gross, I know I should be eating healthy; my coach tells me I should be eating healthy, but then I go and I buy ICE CREAM and COOKIES. I'm going to be throwing those out this morning. I did buy a bunch of bananas and grapes and yogurt though.. I'll have to start munching on those instead of the sugary foods.
Argh. I need to go purchase a weight scale.
It also sucks that when I get the munchies, I can't really just go outside and take a walk instead of running to get something sugary to eat. The house I live in has a security alarm so every time you open the door and close the door, you hear a beeping sound. Plus the door is kind of creaky. I don't think my landlord would like it if she heard that late at night when she's trying to fall asleep. I wish I lived in residence for that reason..

I don't want to go to school today, but I skipped out yesterday and missed a quiz and failed to hand in a geology lab that I hadn't even started. Smooth move, Rachel, smooth.

Rachel

I shot for the sky.

2009-10-16T22:30:00.002-06:00

Watching the Vampire Diaries' newest episode introduced me to a really good song. It's a beautiful, simple tune with piano and guitar called Down by Jason Walker.
Strangely, I think I can sort of relate to the song. 'Don't really want to explain how at the moment, but I'm sure I'll find time to write about it later.

I didn't want to come home today. Home. I guess it's not really home, I don't feel good when I am here. All I do is sit around, watch T.V. and go on the computer. I've done barely any homework when I have more then enough time.
Argh. I really don't want to be in school. Really. Really, really. If I wasn't running for the school, I think I would seriously be considering dropping out. I am not a good student. At all. I slack off, procrastinate and am just plain lazy. I've missed a decent amount of classes already and have failed to hand in numerous assignments so far. I've also missed 3 quizzes. This sure isn't the way to start my first year of college. Also, if I continue on this path, I can't see myself running next year because they will cut me from the team for not keeping my grades up (they being the athletic directors and faculty) . Academics take priority over athletics, always.
It's depressing. Really, it is. And disappointing. What if I did drop out? I know my classmates would probably be disappointed. I know my family would probably be disappointed. People I met this summer while working would be disappointed. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I can't run away, I can't get out of it. I don't want to try. Fuck.

My friend still hasn't talked to me. I'm just hoping to run into him at school.. but at the same time, I'm not. I've gotten some advice from another friend to just give him time and space, which I am doing; I haven't texted or called him in about two days. It just makes me sad. I wonder if he's sad, or maybe he's just trying to forget me and pretend nothing ever happened. His hoodie that he lent me is still sitting on my chair.

I miss him.

Wednesday. Wednesday was crazy. I skipped school on Wednesday, then went out to my first bar here in the city with my classmates at around 9:00PM. We didn't have a class until 3:00PM on Thursday. I can't remember how late I stayed up 'til, but I was told I crashed around 1:30-2:00AM. Not going to lie, I had a blast, even though my drinking was still a bit over the top, which I was trying to control. Well, sort of. Yeah, I had so much fun, I think everyone did. Of course, I danced. A lot. My friends said I danced pretty much all night. I was taught the Two Step and was told I was pretty good at it. A bunch of us went to my friend's place in the residence at the college to sleep; there was no way I was going to go home that late, especially drunk. My landlord would probably go crazy and flip out.
Man, that was a fun night. I am sure there will be plenty of others too. I look forward to them.
The only sad part about the whole thing is that I am probably labeled the-shy-and-quiet-girl-who-is-a-lot-more-fun-when-she-is-drunk. Yep. I wish I wasn't so quiet, usually I am fairly outgoing but for some reason it has been hard for me. We'll see. My negative outlook towards school probably doesn't help as I'm always in a more depressed mood when I am in class.
Whatever.

Partying and running. Those are my highs here. They don't really go together.. I am sort of looking forward to the cross country season to be over though.. kind of. Ehhh, maybe not. There is always my half marathon I'll be training for. Hopefully that will go well. I still have to go sign up and pay for that... garblegarblegarble.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
Can I go south for the winter? And maybe stay for a couple winters?

Rachel

I don't deserve it.

2009-10-14T00:10:00.001-06:00

Skipping morning classes seemed like a good idea, that's why I didn't set my alarm last night. I hardly get enough sleep, it's ridiculous.

But, really, holy smokes. The drama in my life lately has been up and over the roof and it deals mostly with boys.

Oh, quick sidetrack; that Beiber kid, Justin: he annoys me. I don't know if I like his music or not. How old is he, anyways? He looks like he's 12. Taylor Swift is so cute though, I like her music.
I'm currently watching MuchMusic, that's why I am talking about music. Except they are playing some pretty crappy music at the moment. Oh, and Lights annoys me too. I don't see how she got popular.. whatever.

Anyways. I was dating one of my really good friends, 'was' being a key word. We worked together all summer and so at the end of it, we decided to try dating. The only issue was I was moving away for college. The long distance thing just wasn't working for me, so I decided to call it off. He was a bit up upset but he understood. I think we are better as friends, though.
Then there is another guy, who is one of my good friends here in college, and I have no clue what's going on with him. He actually kissed me a couple weeks ago and told me he liked me. He texted me the other night saying that he was giving me the silent treatment but I don't deserve it. When I asked him why he was giving me the silent treatment, he said it was because he was confused with his feelings for me and such. We haven't talked for a while now and I don't really know what to say to him.. what we need to do is meet up and talk, but I have a feeling it might be kind of awkward.
And thennnn, there's another guy who is in all of my classes that took me out for dinner and told me he likes me. At this point, I'm just thinking, "Oh, come on!". Drama drama drama. A bunch of my classmates and I are going out drinking tonight. The third guy I mentioned is going to teach me the Two Step. We'll see how that goes.

Oh yeah. I'm 18 years old now. I guess that's a pretty big thing. On Sunday night, my sister and a bunch of our friends went to a bar and played some pool and then went to a friends house and played poker. I have learned that I need some more self control when it comes to drinking. I need to learn how to limit how much I drink because I usually get to a point where I have drunk so much that I keep drinking whatever is put in front of me. I feel bad because my sister is always babysitting me when we go out, which probably doesn't make it very fun for her... Sorry, Mel.

Eh, I should get to school. 'Gotta get there sometime today, unfortunately.

Rachel

The television is killing my brain cells.

2009-10-05T00:38:00.004-06:00

I am sure I have watched way too much television, so much that my brain is close to going into a comatose state for a day or two. Not that I wouldn't mind being in that state because it might mean I won't have to go to school tomorrow. Now that I think of it, I will probably be in a comatose state tomorrow anyways due to the lack of sleep I will get tonight. I really should go to bed, but I don't feel like it.

Besides watching television all day and putting around on the internet, I went grocery shopping. I biked about 15 minutes or so to the closest WalMart in the new wet, chilly weather we have been introduced to these past few days and got a wet behind because my bike seat soaked up the rain that accumulated in the morning hours. I didn't really care as I walked through WalMart if I had a wet butt or not because, frankly, I was on a hunt to get what I needed and to get the hell out as fast as I could. Shopping for food isn't something I enjoy. Especially when I have to carry it all on my bike, whose tires' air pressure is probably a little too low. It was a slow, wet bike ride home. At least I got out of the house though.

I have come to realize that my social life sucks right now. Really sucks. I need friends to hang out with, people to get me to leave my cave in the basement and experience the things that college kids need to experience, such as drinking too much alcohol and parties and other stuff college kids like to do. Partying sounds like a blast right now because all I've been doing is sitting around in my room and eating too much food when compared to the amount of physical activity I have done (that's a lot of food, mind you). I am willing to do almost anything if it means being out in the real world and not watching my computer screen or television while laying/sitting on my bed.

Oh, what has my life become?

You know what I miss? The mountains. My sister was blessed with the opportunity to go travel in the mountains today and I felt my heart break. All I see here is coulees and even though they are beautiful and amazing in their own way, the mountains captured my heart first. They won't give it back either, the bastards, and cause me pain whenever I travel away from them and lose sight of them. They are probably starting to become covered in snow about now.. so beautiful in their white sheets of cold, wet precipitation. Man, oh, man.

My 18th birthday is coming up. Six more days. I can't wait to go visit home! This city has lost my interest for the moment and the place where my high school days took place has now opened and entered a soft spot in my heart. I can see the mountains there, the leaves there don't blow to the ground as soon as they turn color, but hang on for about a month (the wind here is unbearable at times), the moose frolic right behind the backyard fence and the river gushes not 200 yards from the backyard. I can run on grass-covered trails in the forest on the hill that provides a view-point over the town. The sound of traffic will be significantly decreased and I imagine I won't hear sirens of any kind while I am there. Seriously, though. I am so excited. My birthday probably won't be anything too exciting though. I won't have time to party and go to the bars or anything. It makes me sad because I would love to go out with my friends I went to high school with and partied with at home!

Aww, my friend just told me about her first kiss. I love those stories, they're so cute. She just made my day. Night. Morning.
I really should go to bed. It's too late (or early) to still be up when I have school to go to in the morning.

I must admit, I enjoyed writing this blog and hope I can write more enjoyable blogs in the future.
Good night!

Rachel

She's gonna' blow.

2009-10-03T19:36:00.002-06:00

Emotional stress, physical stress, more mental stress; I've been dealing with it all.

Can I disappear for a few months? Run away for a couple weeks? Hide for a few days?

I am going crazy. All I seem to do is sit in my room all day. Regular classes will be starting up here soon though, so I guess that could be considered a good thing. Although, I am sure it will just add to my frustration. Homework doesn't seem very appealing at the moment.

Tomorrow I think I will go for a long walk. Maybe in the coulees or something. I haven't taken any pictures in the coulees yet, surprisingly. Snow was in the forecast tonight, so I may lose my chance of biking there. I hope I can still bike. Biking is so much better than the bus and much faster than walking.

I also have to go to the store and buy food. Grocery shopping is definitely not one of my favourite things to do.

Thinking about how life might be like is sort of a turnoff at the moment. Why do we go to school? We go to school so we can get a well paying job. Why do we need a well paying job? We need a well paying job so we can buy things that we want and need and to go places we want to go. Sure, the aspect of traveling is exciting, but the idea of working for a long period of time just so you can save up enough money to go travel to some place and spend an even smaller amount of time there and wish you didn't have to go back home and back to work doesn't seem fulfilling to me. (Wow, run on sentence.)

I want to go live somewhere I will love and even if the job may seem weak, it wouldn't matter because I love where I am. Wouldn't that be great? I don't feel like going to school for years and years.. school sucks.
(How mature.)

My body aches. I ran a race today and I now have a new 5km time of 22:20. I am improving every race, although I would like to see my time go down to about 20:00 or so by Nationals. The pressure has been building because I am currently the top Canadian girl on our team and the 4th fastest girl. The top four runners are what get the points that count in the races, so I have to do well. I heard that another girl was going to join our team and she was really fast, but I didn't see her at the race today. She still might come to our next practice then. She sounds like she would be faster than me too.
I love our team. Everyone is so nice; the Kenyans, the guys, the girls, the coaches and the managers. They are amazing. Practice is definitely my highlight every day. No doubt about it.

Ahhh. My bed calls me. My mind is foggy and I am tired...
Good night!

Rachel

I want you all to myself.

2009-09-29T07:14:00.002-06:00

I am in love with Marianas Trench's song, All To Myself. It's on repeat on my iPod.
Such a good song!

Last Saturday was pretty fun! The Cross Country team drove for about 3 and half to 4 hours (that's one way) to get to a race. This course had a lot more hills than the last. A lot more. The pace of the whole race was so fast, I felt wicked afterward. My calf muscles were really tight so my coach has told me not to run for about 3 days. I am hoping I can run today though, I miss it. Running is my addiction. But at the race I placed 9th out of 58 girls. It was surprising, I had no idea I had made top ten! I received a ribbon and my coach told me he was impressed with my run. I am now the 4th fastest girl on our team (the three other girls are from Africa and can run like crazy! They're so awesome.). I felt good after the race though, even though I had to take a IBU400 for my legs and developing headache.

Once I got back to my place, I showered and then got picked up by a friend. We went to a little house party and I met up with some people in the same program as me. I didn't drink at all as I had taken the pain medication but had a blast talking to all the other people who said they had been drinking since around 10AM that day. By the end of the night, I was so tired though. So tired. Sunday was spent doing nothing but sitting around all day.

Yesterday I had lunch with some classmates. They're so funny. There was only me and another girl and then four guys. In my program, the guys definitely out-number the girls, but it makes it more fun that way. I'm a little shy compared to everyone though, but it's nice because I can see they've noticed and they are getting me to join their conversations and getting me to hang out with them. Everyone is really awesome. I hope I will become more outgoing and friendly towards everybody.

I felt I should post something. There are things I would love to talk about, but everyone has their secrets.. Melissa, I hope this eats away at you. Take it as punishment for not blogging anymore.

School blows. I don't want to go to class.. I already know it's going to be a boring one, thanks to one of my friends.

garblegarblegarble.

We'll see.

Rachel

I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

2009-09-16T19:27:00.003-06:00

This is definitely not high school anymore. My head is starting to hurt and my body feels like it's been plowed over by a truck.

My coach had the team run for an hour (about 8-10km) in the heat (32 degrees Celsius). Most of the run is in direct sunlight, there are some trees along the paths but they didn't seem to help too much. It was brutal, especially when it came to the mental part. To keep myself running was so hard, by the end I was talking to myself constantly in order to keep myself going. I had never ran for that period of time (or distance!) before. At least I can say I feel accomplished having run it! I never had to run like this in high school, that's for sure.

School is okay so far. Well, the fact that I have no regular classes until October due to field trips is awesome; it leaves plenty of time to procrastinate the one writing assignment and multiple reading assignments I have!
Yeah, procrastination is going to be a pain in the rear. A big one.

So I just felt like telling everyone that I feel like I was run over by a truck and I physically feel like crap but mentally feel accomplished.
Just to let you know.

Rachel

Eat, run, eat, sleep.

2009-09-13T08:13:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was my first race of the Cross Country season and as a college runner.

It felt pretty good! I definitely can preform a lot better when I run during a race then in practice. The motivation to keep going and adrenaline helps a bit. I did better than I thought I would and I guess I did better than what other people were expecting as well! So that was really good. It was my kick at the end that surprised my assistant coach. He told me I was awesome and the kick was one of the best. It felt good to hear that! My time for the 5km course the girls had to run was 23:04. Not the fastest, but I think it's decent for the first race of the season. This was also my first 5km race ever and so it's my first timed 5km ever.

I can only get better though, right?

When we got off the bus, I walked a block or two with some of the Kenyans on the team who live 3 blocks away from me. They are so freakin' awesome! Sometimes it's hard to understand what they say, but they are very cool. And can they ever run! Holy, the two guys who placed 1st and 2nd in the guys race yesterday, they were insane. I couldn't believe the pace they were running and they even picked up the pace by the end! Yeah, it's really neat to be on the same team as them, it feels like a privilege to run with such amazing runners!

Last night I wasn't feeling too well. I don't know if it was something I ate or what, but my stomach was feeling queasy. I ended up going to bed at around 6:30-7:00PM! I slept until 7:45AM! (I woke up a bit in the night, but was able to fall back asleep easily enough.) Roughly 13.5 hours of recharging. It felt good, mentally and physically. I need to work on going to bed at a decent time while I can. I need the sleep for school and running!

Today I plan on doing some shopping. I've been wanting to go all week but haven't had the time. I get out of practice too late to do anything. Yaay for weekends and off-running days!

Rachel

Someday I'll wish upon a star, wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

2009-09-10T02:06:00.002-06:00

Not going to lie; my brain has felt like it's been put through a blender these past few days. But these past few days have been fairly interesting and fun. Come on, it's college, right? It's supposed to be fun.
Right?

Today was my first day of classes, second day of Cross Country running practice, seventh day of living in this city and only one of the many days where I will be very confused about everything going on. College is going to be a blasty-blast. My classes are looking good, I think I will enjoy them, although some seem a bit tough. Whatever, I'll push through them.

Yeah, I joined the Cross Country team at the college and holy, the pressure is definitely on! Out coach, B.J., had told us he believes we are the best team in Canada (in our division, I'm guessing) on paper and he's for sure going to try his best to get us to Nationals and win. Really, I think I will do fairly well, so far I've been doing good (so says my other team mates). I think B.J. has commented twice or three times about my upper body strength. I am quite "buff" due to push-ups and such that I do before bed or whenever I feel like it. He can tell when I run because I am stiff in the shoulders so he's trying to get me to relax my arms. "Officer-girl" is what he has called me (I am in a program that will get me into the Conservation and Fish and Wildlife field of work as an officer). Ha. I am hoping I will do really well, I am reallyreallreally excited for this season! Today was probably the longest run I have ever ran and the whole time I was trying to keep pace with the older girls (I'm 17, the one is 22 and the other 26) and one of them was last year's National Champion. Yeah, the pressure is definitely on.

Yeah, it's going to be a stressful month or so. I've been told it will calm down in a bit by some but also have been told it's only get worse by others so we'll see how things go. Hopefully it won't become worse...

Rachel

I should get some sleep because tomorrow might be good for something.

2009-09-07T09:36:00.005-06:00

Man, where to start?

ahhhhhhhhhh.

I'm all moved in. College starts on Wednesday, orientation is tomorrow and today there is a campus tour for the new students. I know I signed up for some orientation classes, but I can't remember which ones and when.

Smooth move, Rachel. Smooth.

Well, the city life is.. different. Not too sure I like it, I'm so used to the small towns. I miss the town I was living in all summer. That was a great town. Nothing bad ever happened to me there. But here, I can't seem to go walking anywhere without being hollered and called at or whistled at while walking down the street. It makes me feel slutty and dirty or something... I don't know. I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and get used to the busy streets and sirens.

I almost wish school started sooner. I need something to do, I find living alone makes one go crazy if there is no job or anything to do. My roommate is really nice, she is quite outgoing and friendly. And social, she loves to go out and be around people. I find she hates being in the house all day. I guess I would too if I had been here a whole week without anyone to hang out with or anything to do.

Yeah, I guess it's been okay here. I was invited to go out for dinner with my friend who is going to the university and she said there were some of her friends from residence going too. I was thinking maybe 3 or 4 other people were coming, not too many, right? Wrong. Her WHOLE RESIDENCE FLOOR came out for dinner. The bill was $475. It was nuts. But it was nice to get out of the house. It felt so weird, being a typical college kid around lots of other college kids (or university kids). I could tell though, a lot of people were very clique. Ha, I was annoyed by some just because I could already tell what kind of person they were... is that judging? I think so... oops. It was fun though.

My sister moved into her college yesterday. She seemed pretty nervous but the college sounded very welcoming. I think she'll do fine there. But she doesn't have any internet access until tomorrow. Bummer.

Mhmmmm. I am missing people.

Of course.

Rachel

'Aw, that's so cu- wait, what did you do?'

2009-09-03T08:56:00.004-06:00

And when I think I am taking one step forward, I end up taking ten thousand steps backwards. Silly Rachel.

Sometimes I rethink about the things I do and I regret a lot of them. This time, I am not too sure I regret what I did.. in someways I do but mostly, I don't. Don't ask what I am talking about though, because I'm not going to tell you. Ha, that's great, I'm not going to tell you what this whole flippin' post is going to be about. Suckers.

I've been so.. blah. Down. Depressed. Angry. Sad. It's ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.

I waited for 6 hours and the funny thing is that it seemed to pass by like nothing. For the first four hours, I just sat in my truck. I ended up laying down across the bench seat but I didn't sleep or anything. My mind was in such a numb state at that point, it didn't feel like there was any activity.

God, why does life have to be so unfair sometimes? You don't know how happy I am for being able to do what I wanted to do but it seems to just make things even worse.

Stupid oil derricks.

Stupid college. I don't want to move tomorrow. Three hours south to where it's hot and windy and bare of any mountains. I don't want to go.

Today I have to pretend I'm in a good mood for friends and family. I am going horse-back riding today with a really good friend and I'm looking forward to it, more so than the family get together we are having tonight. And all the stupid packing I have to do.

I hardly have any motivation to do anything. Eating has dropped off my list of making me feel good. Part of me is kind of happy because I had been eating a lot of junk food before leaving the fire base but now it's weird because I'm never hungry anymore. I can barely make it through a meal. Breakfast is fine, but lunch and dinner is like a chore. My lunch yesterday was a salad, of which I only ate about half of it. Supper was a hamburger and corn, which my mom made me eat all of it and told me she was going to weigh me before I leave for college and then weigh me every time I come home to see if I'm loosing any weight. I also better eat three meals a day when I'm down there as well, she said. Oh, mom.

Oh, life.

Rachel

Never thought or wondered.

2009-08-31T14:00:00.003-06:00

I never knew I would feel quite like this when it came to the point of saying goodbye to my two friends I met this summer. I cried way more saying goodbye to two people that I've only known for two months than when I graduated and was never going to see majority of my grad class ever again and I've known them for about 10 years.

So these past few days back 'home' has been kind of down. I haven't been doing a lot but sit on the computer, sleep and walk the dog with my sister. I went and hung out with a friend last night and now I think he thinks that I now like him (he tried to ask me out during grade 12. I told him no.). Frick, just because I agreed to hang out does not mean that I suddenly have feelings for the kid. I hate boys with crushes. Most of them, anyways.

Bahhhh. I just feel down. One of the friends I met this summer and I are trying to get together one more time before I move for college and put even more miles between us. Jeez, I'm moving this Friday and school is starting next Wednesday. God, time is flying!

Before this gets any more depressing, I'm going to go on a bike ride.
An nice, long bike ride. :)

Rachel

Eternity and then some.

2009-08-29T16:49:00.010-06:00

So here we are
To go our separate ways
There's a little bit of excitement to continue on
But there has been dread for the past few days
I see them turn to go and I feel my heart go with them
This hurts more than I ever thought
Not that I tried to think about this moment
Or scribble about it with a pen
Suddenly I wish I didn't have to go
They didn't have to leave
And we could go on living like we were
This summer could continue for a few more weeks
Just give me some more time
To be able to say what I want to say
To feel what I want to feel
I don't want regrets to stick with me
Because I hesitated for too long
And then it's too late and they're already gone

Now I sit alone
All their stuff is packed and
Gone
Mine still sits
Untouched
They had places to go
People to meet
And I am avoiding home
Planning on getting some drinks to drink
My sight has become blurred
It's been a while since my eyes started to burn

They were both in a hurry
She had her bus to catch
Saying goodbye was distracting
There were people awaiting their turn
The tears didn't come until later
When I walked back to our room
Her side was empty
Random items littered the floor
He had family waiting
I guess they were kind of mad
My eyes had already overflowed when he came in
I didn't want him to think I was this bad
My feelings were overwhelming
I am sure he was a little bit worried
My crying was broken and wavering
His hug was warm and comforting

I watched them both leave
As I tried to smile through tears
Even as I write down these recent memories
The pressure builds
And my eyes fill
Now this just seems like some past story
I honestly cannot believe I only knew them for only two months
It felt like they were by my side
For an eternity
And then some

Crunch time, babe.

2009-08-19T11:40:00.001-06:00

College is starting up in… 21 days? Three weeks exactly. Pretty intense, if you ask me. I am done my summer job in 10 days. I find that really unfortunate, definitely not looking forward to that.

I can feel the pressure of it all starting to build though. Definitely starting to tell by how much I have started eating, which is horrible because I am supposed to be running my ass off so I can try out for the Cross Country team at the college. Yeah, I do not think that is going to go well. I probably will still try out but I do not think I will do well at all. Not at all. My plan is to go to the gym at the college though. I find that I can schedule to work out and run better when I am attending school or something.. and when I know the gym is close to the school and easily accessible. There is also a lake near the place I am renting that has a nice path going around it that I could run. Blahhh.

So my plans for education are going crazy. I now have the crazy idea that I want to be a helicopter pilot. Pfft, yeah, I know. But I seriously think I want to do it! After my Natural Resource Compliance course I could work for a few years or so, save up around $70 000 (yes, that’s a lot of money) and then go train to be a pilot! Who is with me? This plan was planted into my head after I went on my first helicopter ride (this is usually how people decide they want to be a pilot but most find it to difficult to follow through). It was reinforced again when I flew some helicopters on the flight simulator at the tanker base near where I am staying and the supervisor helping me told me I was really good and said I should contact some helicopter company that my employers have hired helicopters from for fire suppression and stuff.
I hate crazy ideas. They always get my hopes up way too far.

God, I feel gross right now.

There are some things I still want to do before going to college. Namely getting my nose pierced or getting more piercings in my ears. And camping with friends, but that’s happening this weekend with the friends I made this summer. I am taking them to one of my favourite spots and I am hoping all works out and that it’s going to be sweet.

Ha, this last weekend I went to my friend’s bush party. It was very much like my graduation party except I didn’t drink nearly as much, thankfully. And this time there was a slip-and-slide (which was actually dubbed “Slip-and-Bleed”) and a marriage that involved wine being thrown at the ‘priest’s’ crotch and a divorce that ended the marriage by the ingestion of a marshmallow. Yes, these are the stupid things that take place only at parties. I had fun though, lots of dancing on truck tail gates and the wearing of cowboy hats with aviator sunglasses (even though it was around midnight when I brought them out and put them on). Ahhh, parties. Never a dull moment.

Seriously though, I am excited to go to college. I hope I meet some more awesome people. I have already made some sweet friends here and that has only made me more pumped to make more friends during college. And instead of only being able to spend two months with them, we’ll have two glorious years to be together.

Ha.

Twenty-one minutes until my lunch break and frozen yogurt. sigh.

Rachel

I am... ?

2009-08-14T15:34:00.005-06:00

I am a girl who has been in a helicopter.
I am a person who feels confused.
I am a human being that has emotions.

I am a girl who has been asked to sneak in a bar.
I am a person who lives in a camp with some nice native workers.
I am a human being who avoids uncomfortable situations.

I am a girl who likes to have a good time with friends.
I am a person who enjoys to sleep.
I am a human being who loves Paintbrushes.

I am a girl who spent a week in a camp full of boy-crazy, talkative girls.
I am a person who has flown a plane, jet and helicopter in a flight simulator.
I am a human being who has spent tons of time, yet not enough, in the mountains.

I am a girl who has a crush, but it may not be on the guy most are expecting.
I am a person who wishes to be thinner.
I am a human being who makes mistakes.

I am a girl who played hooky today.
I am a person who gets amazing pancakes with blueberries almost every morning.
I am a human being who talks on the dispatch radio.

I am a girl who can drive nice, big trucks.
I am a person who enjoys driving a really old, rusty truck.
I am a human being who covets other people's vehicles.

I am a girl who doesn't know how else to update her blog.
I am a person who has a lot more to type about.
I am a human being who doesn't feel like typing about anything else today.

This girl, person and human being is having a great summer.

:)

Don't really know what to say.

2009-07-11T01:11:00.002-06:00

Work has been good, as I said before. Nothing has really changed much since my last post. Except that I got to help set up a bear trap with the Fish and Wildlife officers.
That was pretty sweet. Now I just need to see (and photograph) a bear and I'll be really happy.

I cannot believe how much rain we've been getting. I want two weeks (even more!) of nice, warm weather with clear, blue skies. That would be awesome. But of course it's suppose to rain more this upcoming week. And of course I'm going to be out camping all week. >:S I have mixed feelings about rain. Going to sleep, I had grown so used to the rain falling on the roof so last night when there wasn't any rain, I actually had troubles falling asleep.

garblegarblegarble.

But I've met some pretty awesome people in the past week or two. The other two summer students are really great. It's fun hanging out with them. :)

Umm. Yeah. I'm tired.

'Night.

The stormmaker says it ain't so bad.

2009-07-04T23:36:00.000-06:00

Thunderstorm galore. I wouldn't doubt it if we got a thunderstorm
atleast once every week for the next month or so. I like it. :)

So my job has been looking pretty good so far. I'm staying in a
trailer at the fire base located at the airport. It's about a five
minute drive to the building where I work, so it's not too bad. The
dispatching sounds pretty fun. Come on, what kid hasn't liked the idea
of taking over a radio to pilots and all that jazz? :D With the walkie-
talkie lingo. Yeah, it'll be sweet.

I got a tour of some tanker planes and the guiding planes. They're
epic and when they call them tankers, it's not just because they carry
a large tank of fire retardent or water. They are huuuuge and probably
really heavy to fly. It was fun talking to the pilots and the tarmac
crew, you can just feeling their excitement when they talk about their
jobs. I love that kind of passion!

Driving back and forth from home to the town I'm working in has been
alright. Except for me missing a turn and extending the drive home
about an hour. >:( Never again. And it doesn't help when The Beast is
lurching around while I'm driving for some unknown reason. But I like
driving alone and listening to the radio set to my favourite station.
It's a nice feeling.

Tomorrow I go back to the fire base. Hopefully The Beast will hold up
and not give me any problems. Stalling at every start-up is
embarassing enough! :P And hopefully I'll find more productive ways to
amuse myself as there's no internet connection at the base. I'm going
to bring my bike with me this time. I need some physical activity to
do while working an office job.

To bed! (toodles)

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod)

I'm still alive and doing quite well.

2009-06-30T18:16:00.002-06:00

Holy shmokes.

This past week or so has been nuts.

I wrote my last diploma, took my road test and passed, registered and insured my dad's truck, graduated, partied too hard, got my First-Aid with CPR and AED certificate, bought a laptop and new duffle, went and took a look around what's going to be my new home town for the next two months and am currently looking at mobile phones and plans.

Two days. Wait, scratch that... practically one day. I move Thursday, so tomorrow is my last day here. And I still have to pack. Arggg. My stomach hurts. :(

But I'm still excited. :) I'm a little worried about the internet situation though. It sounds like there might not be internet available for me to use where I'm staying. I'll have to search around for some wireless somewhere, I guess. :S How annoying.

I have to download iTunes. And get all my music onto this laptop. Somehow. And download a photo program. And a word document program. Golly gee-wiz! -_-

Tootles.

Moving Away

2009-06-26T04:36:00.001-06:00

July 2nd. I'm going to be living an hour north from here and I'm
pretty sure I'm ready. Just have one more diploma and my road test to
take today. And tomorrow I graduate.

I'm almost tempted to go to prom for maybe an hour tops. I'm not
liking how my dress is fitting. To tell you the truth, I've never
really liked that dress, even though it is pretty. I originally wanted
a different one but the people at the shop was saying it was too late
to order a dress. So we went to West Edmonton Mall where the odds of
finding a different dress that I didn't have to order was fairly high
and that's where we found my current one. I've just been so stressed
out lately, I've gained some weight and now the dress is a little bit
tighter compared to how it fit when we first bought it. :( I don't
feel good when wearing it. But what can I do? There's no altering it
due to the tooling that lines the outer part of the dress. I guess all
I can do is hope it doesn't look too bad.

At least the party afterwards will probably be a blast. :) I'm looking
forward to that!

Well, wish me luck on my tests today. My little cousin woke me up at
3AM this morning when she started crying and then triggering my dog
into a near barking-fest. I haven't been able to fall asleep since. -_-

Live is sweet, isn't it?

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod)

Fire Fighter Jane.

2009-06-23T18:43:00.001-06:00

I passed! I can officially be called a fire fighter, but I still have
so much training to go through. Not to mention that I still haven't
actually fought a fire... Hopefully I will get the chance before I move.

What? Oh, yeah. I'm moving away for the summer. :P I got the
internship job I was hoping on getting and am now a wild fire
dispatcher! YEAH. So happy right now. Today was a pretty good day. :)

Let's hope I can pass my road test. And get my first-aid certificate.
Oh yeah, and pass social, I guess I need to do that to graduate.
Golly, I don't think I'll do as well as I hope on my social diploma.
We'll see!

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod!)

Sierra-Uniform-Mike-Mike-Echo-Romeo

2009-06-21T21:04:00.002-06:00

Yaay for the first day of Summer! :) It didn't really feel like summer
with the overcaust, rainyness but it was still a nice day.

Man, time is just flying now, it's amazing. I have so much to do this
week. I'm just going to take everything a day at a time. That's the
best way to do it, I figure. So I have my fire fighter exam to take,
my first-aid to work on and figure when I can get my certificate, my
road test to take, finish the second half of my social diploma,
graduate and find out if I got the summer internship (which I'm hoping
I'll get soooo badly, but trying not to get my hopes up too high).
Does that seem like a lot? It's all going to be done before July 2nd.
In a little less than two weeks.

ARGH!!!

This summer is going to be a gong show, if the first week of it is an
inclination of how the rest of the summer is going to be like.

I really am excited, though! Really!

Rachel

Oh, the title of this post is "summer" written with the phonetic
alphabet that I just learned while studying for my fire fighters test.
It makes me feel accomplished knowing that alphabet. :P

(Sent from my iPod!)

Life as we know it is about to change.

2009-06-15T23:13:00.001-06:00

Change is coming, I can not only sense him but I can see him approach.
He is intimidating!

I walked home from school in a thunderstorm today. It didn't start
raining until after my run (thankfully!) but when it started I almost
mistook the big, large drops for snow/sleet. They felt so new, landing
on my head. I had forgotten the feeling of rain. Hearing the rumbling
of thunder only makes me marvel at the phenomenon that thunderstorms
really are. Streaking electricity across the sky, moving so fast that
it smashes the sound barrier and creates a great sound that has the
power to resonate through everything. What is it comparable to? I sure
can't think of anything.

Rain. I've missed the sound capable of lulling almost everone into a
trance or sleep, nature's lullaby, soft, fresh, clear. It brings about
a beauty, whether it's the beauty of green grass or blooming flowers,
or the rainbows that stretch across the sky with a promise intertwined
in it's colors. Rain can wash the morning's efforts to make ourselves
look presentable, leaving a natural beauty that only rain can create. :)

We graduate in 12 days. Less than two weeks. A celebration of
recognization of all that we've accomplished in 13 years of going to
school will be held, only to send most of us out to attend even more
school. It's facinating growing up and watching and listening to peers
talk about how they feel about graduation. Some (myself included) feel
excited anticipation, others are more nervous.

Remember the little tune that the Lost Boys whistled in the original
Disney Peter Pan movie? It's been stuck in my head for two days
now. :P Fun!

How can a girl possibly worry about boys when God creates such
detailed, wonderful, beautiful things for us?

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod!)

Here she comes.

2009-06-12T07:49:00.000-06:00

Three more diploma exams.

Four more days of high school.

One day of celebrating 13 years of challenging, fun and stressful times.

A lifetime of experiences to live, adversity to face and a lot of
growing up to do.

Bring it!

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod!)

And that concludes this season.

2009-06-07T10:04:00.000-06:00

My last season of high school track and field has come to an end and
so has my career in high school running, in which I managed what I
thought would've been the impossible.

In every race I've been in this year, from Divisionals to Provincials,
from Cross Country to Track and Field, I placed in the top ten, every
time. A pretty decent accomplishment I would think! In all the races
leading up to Provincials, I placed in the top three and at Provincial
races I never placed any worse than seventh. I feel my high school
running came out to be successful and allowed me to be singled out as
a true jock in my school. :P Well, kind of.

Along with doing extrordinarily (or is it extraordinarily?) well for
my first and last year of running in high school, I've also managed to
make my coach cry multiple time, something I never thought I would
ever see or hear about! But I love my coach and I'm sure going to miss
her when I head off to college. I plan on getting her to write me a
reference letter that I can give to the running coaches at my college,
she told me that she would after Cross Country.

It was amazing after Provincials was finally over, I could feel my
body start to relax. I was a little disappointed with one of my runs
because I could've done better if I didn't decide to try a new
tehnique, but whatever. I'm just really hoping my school can get the
Provincial banner, my coach really wants it.

Now I feel useless. High school is finishing, running competitions are
done. I have to get to college to continue competing.. or I think I'll
go crazy. I think I'll start training for Cross Country soon. :)

*sigh*

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod!)

Nerves

2009-06-05T06:20:00.003-06:00

nervesnervesnerves.
I'm so nervous right now.
Provincial Track and Field Meet is today. We leave at 8AM, hopefully to get to the track by 9:30 and then my first even starts at 10:30.

rawrrr. It's going to be raining all day too. And tomorrow, when I'll be running another event.

This is going to be fun. :)

Rachel

These are they days we live for.

2009-06-04T20:46:00.003-06:00

The day that made me so nervous, I felt sick.

The day when we felt so upset and we just wanted to disappear.

The day when you saw the one you love and yet they didn't seem to notice you.

The day when he felt useless as he stood and watched.

The day when I thought I looked ugly.

The day that went by so slow when she wanted it to fly by so fast.

The day when you felt unwanted.

The day when we were so panicked and stressed and just wanted to give up.

The day when you remembered and missed loved ones that are no longer with you.

The day to whom I am constantly reminding, "you can not possibly get any worse".

The day when she no longer appreciated all the little things in life.

The day when he just wanted to leave home for good.

The day you cried, alone in some dark place somewhere in your mind.

The day I no longer saw why I should try.

...

'You want to know why these are the days we live for?

Because these are the days that keep us from thinking that life is perfect.

We are only humans.

Everything doesn't always go according to plan.

These are the days that make the good days seem even better. :)

Rachel

Spring Mornings.

2009-05-30T11:40:00.007-06:00

I went walking this morning at around 7:30am. The sun was already fairly high in the sky. It's amazing how long the days are getting and how warm it has been. It's almost unreal, being able to walk about in shorts and a sleeveless top. :) I've been waiting for a while for these kinds of days and here they are, all full of birds chirping and warbling, sunshine and wind blowing through the leaves up in the tree tops.

That's another amazing thing; the leaves just seem to burst out in a day! The May Day tree in our backyard (and the cherry bush!) have blossoms blooming. :D It's all so beautiful!

Yesterday was around 30 C. It was hot! The Provincial track athletes had practice after school and running was brutal. At least we went up on the hill where there's trees and shade. My mouth was so dry and my head was throbbing a little bit, even though we were running at an easier pace. Hopefully it won't be really hot the day of the track meet!

My tummy's rumbling. Time fore lunch now.
I think I'll eat my lunch outside. :)

Rachel

Provincial Athelete.

2009-05-28T11:27:00.000-06:00

I made qualified for Provincial Track and Field!! :D You honestly
don't know how happy this makes me. And how relieved I am! I was so
nervous yesterday morning but by the end of the day, so happy. :)

I placed 1st in both the senior girls 3000m and the senior girls 1500m
again and 2nd in High Jump. High Jump was a joke, I qualified by
jumping 1.35m. The intermediate girls were jumping 1.50m. I shouldn't
even be in it, it's going to be embarrassing at Provincials. Oh well.

It was awesome though, for the runs I would stay within the top three
during the whole run until the very last 200m, where I'd get into 2nd
place if I was in 3rd and by the last 100m, I'd kick in and sprint to
the finish line and leave them behind. I had a 3 second lead for the
1500m but I'm not sure about my lead for the 3000m, but I was told
several times that I was "amazing". My coach told me I am a
"machine". :P Some coach came up and told me that he knew it was going
to be me by the way I hold myself when I run and by the look on my
face. I was suprised and pleased to hear that my skill shows when I
run. So hopefully some scouts at Provincials will notice too!

In total, my school is sending 20 atheletes to the Provincial meet,
more than last years 12 atheletes. We won the Zone meet and will be
recieving the banner, which was what my coach was aiming for. This
would be the fourth year in a row getting the banner. :) Our school
dominates.

Yeah, it was a pretty awesome day. My legs were great, didn't feel a
thing except for some stiffness in my left calf muscle. I was relieved.

I am relieved. Very relieved. My physiotherapy appointment is on June
2nd and Provincials is on the 5th and 6th.

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod!)

A painfully good experience.

2009-05-25T18:25:00.002-06:00

Since when was getting a massage a painful experience? :) Yeah, even
though my physiotherapy appointment was painful, it was good. April
was nice and she talked me through everything and told me which leg
muscles were affected and how I should start stretching certain
muscles more. Mentally, I'm panicing because I feel like I just pulled
both my calf muscles again and Zones is on Wednesday. She told me that
I'll be fine by then but it's hard to imagine it when it hurts to
walk. Let's hope she knows what she's talking about! (I really don't
doubt her, I'm just not used to this. d:) I have to drink lots of
water to flush the lactic acid she worked out of my muscles or
something. I've drank 5-6 500mL waterbottles so far. xD My next
appointment is next Tuesday, two days before the Provincial Track and
Field meet, which I'll hopefully be competing at.

My mom has really been hounding on me lately and I really don't like
it. It's getting me angry which clashes with her anger and it doesn't
do any of us good. I'd wish she'd just back off!

I picked up a big, 65L hiking backpack today. :D It's so awesome, I
can't wait to use it!! It's black, gray and red. I love it, I love
it! :P

I don't think I'll go to my fire fighter meeting tonight. I'm not in
the mood or physically up to it. I need to run an easy 15 minutes
anyways (therapist's orders).

Rachel

(Sent from my iPod.)

OH YEAH.

I did really well at the County Track and Field meet, placing 1st in all three of my events (3000m, 1500m and high jump). :D But, as you can tell from my physiotherapy experience, I pulled my right hip flexor muscle going over some hurdles for tee hee's BEFORE I had to run all my events. Obviously it didn't hold me back too much! So I'm going to the Zones Track and Field meet on Wednesday, May 27. Wish me luck!

Head first.

2009-05-20T06:58:00.004-06:00

Today is my County Track and Field meet. It would be a lie if I said I'm not nervous, but I'm going to try my best today. My first even is the very first event of the day and along with some other students running the 3000m, we're being trucked out to the track first. At least we don't have to sit in the bus! Man, I just hope I do well enough to make it to Zones. I should, I usually always make it to Zones. Provincials is my real goal this year. Two weeks until then.
I'm running the 3000m, 1500m, 4x100m and if I'm not dead by then, the 4x400m. And high jump, but I'm not expecting myself to do very well in high jump as I have never jumped over 1.37m and in Zones, there's girls who still scissor-kick that. Pfft.

garblegarblegarblegarble.

One more hour, then I'm off to the school. It's going to be wet and cold today. It usually is during Track meets. Except last year we did have blue sky for the County meet... Zones was usually wet and rainy. I'm bringing my tent this year, along with a blanket.
I got new running spikes yesterday! :D They're gold and black with the red Swoosh on the sides.
They make me very happy and they are so light! My first pair of spikes. :D

*sigh*

I hope it all goes okay. It should.

Rachel

Sometimes good-bye is a second chance.

2009-05-18T00:44:00.000-06:00

Hay thair.
Woodnit bee annoiing if I spelt lyke this?

I promise that won't happen. :)

So there's a possibility of my sister and me spending three weeks in
Idaho this summer! How awesome would that be?! We'd be staying with
someone I've been friends with since grade two. She's an such an
awesome person. :D And where she lives is really pretty. Great camping
out there too. I can see it being an amazing three weeks if we get to
go. 'Just waiting for the okay from my folks!

Today was the ideal Spring day. It was warm and beautiful outside,
even if it was a bit overcast. My sister and I went biking on the
trails on the trails and hills and then by the river when we decided
we should go swimming. It seemed like a splendid idea at the time as
we were both hot from biking and it was quite muggy. After we went
home and changed, I took us to a spot where the river made this little
pocket and it looks pretty deep. It looked like an awesome place to
jump into. So, naturally, I ran and jumped off the bank and submerged
myself in the water.
If you haven't swam in glacier river water during the spring run-off,
I'm not sure if I recommend it. Unless you'd like your body to refrain
from functioning properly due to FREEZING COLD water. And I mean
FREEZING! :P
Holy crap, I've never expirienced anything like that ever. I think the
river was even colder than the ocean in April when I went in 2004.
This was beyond cold, worse than the mountain lake that my family has
been going to for about ten years. When I went under, my body froze
and refused to move. And when I did surface, it was like I had to
force myself to inhale because the cold was forcing all the air out of
my lungs. "What's wrong? Oh, BREATHE! Come on, breathe! Why the hell
can't I breathe?!" O
nce your chest clears the water, your fine but when you go back in the
same thing happens. It was intense. :D

Yeah, then I went running again today for half an hour. It was a good
day. :)

And you know what the weather is suposed to be like tomorrow after
such a warm day today? Snow. AHHH. It's raining right now, let's hope
it doesn't turn to snow overnight...

Man, I really hope I can go to Idaho! I want to go soooo bad. We'll see.

-Rachel

Sent from my iPod.

Patience.

2009-05-15T23:31:00.008-06:00

Patience sucks. Especially when it comes to graduation.
COME ON, ALREADY!

Today I went running for 45 minutes. It's kind of weird thinking that I was actually running for that long, but I had my watch to time me so I know I did it. It wasn't a tough run, just really long and easy. Working towards Track and Field while at the same time, giving my legs a rest from the fast, intense work outs. When you have that much time doing something as mindless as running can be (sometimes it isn't), lots of thoughts pass through your head. A lot. Most of my thoughts were silly, pointless things. It's amazing though how one can clear their mind on a 45 minute run. You would think someone could clear their head in 45 minutes doing any other thing, like sitting by a window or outside, staring at the clouds or something, but it's not the same. I don't know, it's hard to explain. It just seems like your stuck with your thoughts on a run. Don't ask why you're stuck with them while running and not while you're simply sitting and looking at the sky... It's weird!

I know I've already mentioned it before and I'm going to say it again: running is my balance. My day feels more complete when I run. Sometimes I really have to kick myself out the door to do it but I always feel better afterward. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up running all together but I always end up coming back to it. :) Running is my escape?

You know what annoys me? Angles. To be more exact, picture angles. How someone can make a person appear "better looking" when their picture is taken from a certain angle. I guess when I say "better looking", I really mean thinner. Pfft, now-a-days, thinner is better looking to most, is it not? :| I took one of those pictures of myself today. I like it although I'm annoyed by it.
Rawr.

(picture of me with no make-up, y'all.)

(it was taken around the same time as my new profile picture.)

-Rachel

Spring! Good to see you!

2009-05-04T11:22:00.000-06:00

I just noticed green buds on the Mayday tree in my backyard. :) The
grass is looking greener and I've seen butterflies fluttering about.
'Nothing better than butterflies! :D

At the moment, I'm lying in the backyard. I wasn't up to going to
school today. Not to mention with all the tech work I did this
weekend, I didn't have much time to do my homework. I probably could
have finished it.

There's a Robin hanging around, I can near him. I also heard and saw
three Canada Geese flying over the river from my sister's bedroom.
It's nice having more birds around. There's also a little finch-like
bird that's been warbling all morning. It's really pretty. :)

I think I'll take Bud swimming this afternoon.

Man, the sky is really blue today.

-Rachel

Sent from my iPod

Have you seen my ghost?

2009-05-02T00:01:00.005-06:00

Have you heard the song, Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep? I quite enjoy it, but my dad finds it pointless. :P

I want to post a blog, but possible subject matter escapes me. And I'm tired.

Some things have been on my mind and don't seem to want to go away. They have nothing to do with the present but have come back to the surface of the pool of thoughts which are floating in my head.

Argh.

Meh, just wanted something to do, I guess. It's supposed to be beautiful tomorrow. :) Nice and warm. And sunny. Maybe it'll force me to drag my camera around. If I get the time, that is.
(I'm doing tech all weekend for a dance recital... which means hours and hours inside a small booth.) A job's a job, and I really do enjoy it. Getting to watch all the dancers is really fascinating and makes me wish I could have joined dance when I was younger.

I suppose I should go to bed then, eh?

'Night.

Finding a balance.

2009-04-29T19:21:00.002-06:00

In some recent realizations of mine, I find that people do certain things because they're not balanced. Those things usually are not too good and sometimes become habits.

I think balance is important, it keeps us satisfied with life. I guess most of us go through life looking for that balance that will keep up content and feeling happy.

Running, I think, is my balance. If I don't run, I feel restless and.. guilty (for lack of a better word) when I sit around inside all day. When I could be outside. Running is a great stress reliever. You can run until you have nothing left to feel but exhaustion and I'm sure it could help you get a good night's sleep! After I run, I always feel content. :) My body feels tired and so when I sit and read, I feel good doing so. Not to mention the exercise is awesome.

Tonight is a good night. The sun is setting, leaving some warm light on the world and everything is quiet and calm.

This evening, I feel happy. :)

-Rachel

Blow me a whisper.

2009-04-25T22:32:00.005-06:00

Hhmmm. I love music. :)

I've discovered a song that I really enjoy. It's called Break Me Out by The Rescues.
The lyrics I'll post here:

My empty room
Crowded too soon
I look for the fire escape
I picture myself
Running like hell
Making my getaway

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna' see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta' take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

Whisper of our feet
Sneak down the street
Some kind of secret race
They'll carry on
Won't notice we're gone
So easily replaced

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air

Break me out tonight
I wanna' see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta' take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I got a feeling we're better off anyway
I don't care what they say

Break me out tonight
I wanna' see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta' take it
We don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
Oh break me out

It explains what I want fairly well, I think. And the music part to it is really nice too. :)

I miss a friend. :( I miss quite a few people, but there's someone I really wouldn't mind hearing from. Actually, there's a few I wouldn't mind hearing from. Eh, you know what I mean.

It's awesome how no matter what it looks like outside, no matter if the weather isn't what you want it to be or whatever the case may be, it's still beautiful. It is always beautiful outside. :D

-Rachel

What just hit the fan?

2009-04-23T22:21:00.001-06:00

Ugh, my self esteem has slowly been sinking down down down. :( I
just want to leave this town and travel, visit my friends down in the
States, head North to Alaska, then travel the West Coast down into
California.

Part of me wishes I did not have to go to college in the fall. I
just want to travel all over. I've been wanting to travel to Eastern
Canada too and down the East Coast. I kinda just want to travel all
over the States and Canada. Yes, that is a dream of mine.

It just seems unfair, having to go to school when I want to do so
much. For some reason, I feel like if I want to do all this traveling
and such, I have to do it now! As is I won't be able to later in life.
Who knows what is going to happen in four years?! My life seems to be
sealed after college to being a responsible adult.. The student loans
sure don't seem appealing.

School has been becoming somewhat stressful. I don't feel
motivated anymore. To tell you the truth, I'm suprised I've kept up
this long. Math class is becoming retarded, I am pretty much positive
I'll fail the Social diploma, but I don't really care as long as I get
above 60% for a final mark. -_- I guess that means I need to keep my
mark up.

Why can't a forrest grow in my room and an ocean come tumbling by
with a private boat for me? I want to sail through a night and a day
and in and out of weeks. Why can't I go to Where The Wild Things Are?

-Rachel

That's enough pouting now, Rachel. -_-

(Sent from my iPod)

runrunrunrunrun in the SPRING!

2009-04-18T15:28:00.003-06:00

Track and Field practices have started up! YAAY. :D This makes me extremely happy, along with the fact that the snow has pretty much disappeared and it's nice and warm out today (15 C). :D:D:D

Yes, life is going fairly well. My Vancouver trip was too short, but that's usually how it works. I'm having issues getting some of my pictures from the trip onto my computer from the discs they're burned on. :( It's really bugging me because they're in RAW format so I need to convert them to be able to view them normally but I can't even do that because it just freezes up my computer! D: I really don't want to loose them..

While I was in Vancouver, my brother let me buy his 1st generation iTouch off of him when he bought his 2nd generation. I'm liking it veryyy much. I twitter and go on facebook and crap like that from it so it's sweet. Also, my pictures look awesome on it too. :) And it's nice to have an mp3 player with a screen (I still have my iPod Shuffle, but I just use it for running now!). It was a pain going through about 100 songs or so by clicking the next button and not being able to see what song you're at. -_- My running playlist isn't that long and I hardly skip through the songs so it's all good.

Man, I took my dog for an hour to two hour walk at around 7-7:30AM. It was beautiful out, nice and warm! :D I got some nice pictures of Bud swimming and being cute. I was hoping to find the moose that have been hanging around here (I saw them two days ago when I went running) but do you think they'd be around when I actually have my camera? Nope.
Sillies.

I SAW MY FIRST BUTTERFLY TODAY! I was raking the back yard and getting blisters on my hands when it flew by me. :D:D:D It was fluttering around the yard for a few minutes and it made me very happy. I also found one of my mom's flowers that had bloomed.
Yaay, Spring!

I'm going for my run now. :)

-Rachel

Independence is liberating.

2009-04-09T19:31:00.003-06:00

Man, the feeling of being independent is so liberating. :)

On Wednesday morning, I had my graduation portraits taken. It didn't go too bad, though I don't really like my pictures being taken. The ladies taking the pictures were nice and made it enjoyable, which was nice.
That was around 8:25am. My flight to Vancouver was at noon. My mom drove my grandma and I to the airport and I just barely caught my flight. The line ups for security were so long, it was awful. I was bunted farther up because my flight was boarding but I still ended up having to wait quite a while in line. Let's just say that I don't think you've lived until you've had to run as fast as you can through an airport to get to your gate while they're paging you, by name, over the P.A. system. Especially if it's your first time flying alone. :P I must say, it was exhilarating!

Yeah, so far my trip here has been relaxing and fun. :) I love it here, Vancouver is so fresh. And green! Green grass everywhere! :o And Cherry blossoms and Tulips and Daffodils! It's pretty here and even though it's been raining today, its still awesome. The air smells lovely. :D This is what I want at home!

Right now I'm in my brother's place while he's at work. He lives with my cousin and, no offense to guys, but you can tell it's a bachelor's pad. :P ~~No food~~ (they always eat take-out). No fresh food. So I went to the grocery store and bought a loaf of bread, yogurt and granola bars for breakfast and snacks. They have a lot of little blocks of margarine, I'm hoping it's still okay... if not, yogurt on toast is still tasty for breakfast. :) (It's also kind of dirty here... I might clean up a bit...) Maybe later! Now I think I'll go take some pictures outside. The neighborhood is quite picturesque with the trees lining the street with cherry blossoms and green grass and cute houses. :)

Man, I'm glad to get away from home!

-Rachel

Like hell.

2009-04-06T19:21:00.001-06:00

I feel like hell.
My mom is mad at me for one thing and the issue is the total opposite.
She has no idea and it's making me feel like absolute crap.
She doesn't even know.

Today is your day.

2009-04-03T21:00:00.006-06:00

“Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So…get on your way.”
-Dr. Seuss

Europe Trip 2009 is now underway. :)
My sister and 30 other kids left at 8:30am from the school on a charter bus to the Calgary International Airport where they would depart at 1:25pm to Toronto Pearson International Airport in Toronto, Ontario and then board another plane at 7:18pm (Mountain Standard Time) that would take them to Paris Charles de Gaulle International Airport in Paris, France.
It's so exciting! I'm currently keeping my eye on a flight tracking website and watching the little plane fly across the world map, feeling almost dizzy knowing that my sister is actually flying that route. She's currently flying over the southern tip of Newfoundland, heading East at 35 400 feet and traveling at an seemingly uncanny speed of around 1 004 kilometers per hour.
...
And now they're starting their long trek over the Atlantic Ocean.

Jeez, I wish I was on that plane too. :P
The teacher in charge put together a blog that they'll be updating. I can't wait to check it. I have sent an e-mail to my sister already for her to read when she get's the chance. Who knows when she'll actually get to reply and if I'll be awake when she does. The 8 hour time difference is going to be a paaaaiiiinnnn in the rear.

Well, five more days until I head off for Vancouver! It sounds like my brother and I are going to the aquarium and then he wants to take me night skiing (actually, we both snowboard. But you get the picture.). It sounds kind of scary, but I'm up for it! What I'm not up for is my graduation portraits then morning I leave... I really dislike getting my picture taken and I'm really not photogenic like my sister. :| Bullocks.

They're now at 36 000 feet.

:D :D :D

-Rachel

And bless Dr. Seuss. What a genius. :)

May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.
May songbirds serenade you every step along the way.
May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that's always blue.
And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.
-Irish blessing

Small thoughts don't belong in big places.

2009-03-31T17:14:00.003-06:00

Goin' to the city. I decided I wanted to go see my brother and spend some time someplace that actually has green grass and possibly even some blooming flowers.
A little bit of Spring in a long-lasting Winter.
I also have more family I wanted to see there too. It'll be good to get away. Maybe in such a big place like Vancouver that's full of so many people I won't be so focused on myself.

Fire-fighting. Fighting fire. I wanna be a Fire Fighter. :)
It's probably the one thing I'm most excited about right now. My fire-fighting courses are every Monday evening at the Fire Hall. It's been pretty awesome so far. Tomorrow night I'll be going to the hall and help the department go through the trucks and equipment and make sure they have all the proper equipment on the trucks and that they're in good working order.
Becoming a Fire Fighter makes me feel like I can help the community. Help people. It's something that I've always deemed as cool. Isn't that what kids first decide to be when they grow up? A Fire Fighter or a Police Officer? :P Deep down, I guess I'm still a little kid who's fascinated with fire. (I actually wanted to be a Police Officer when I was little... I dressed up as one in ECS wearing my Dad's Air Force dress-blue's hat.) But in the Fall, I'm going to school to become a Conservation Officer. :)

Do you remember the book called Where the Wild Things Are? Yes? No? Surely you recognize this picture though:

There is a movie being made off of the book Where the Wild Things Are written by Maurice Sendak. I just requested the book from the public library so I can re-read it. I'm pretty sure I read it when I was little.. I definitely recognized the picture of the monsters and the kid though. The movie looks pretty good. :)

Man, I'm going to be glad when Spring Break starts. Three more days...!

Rachel

Wandering roads and highways.

2009-03-29T12:01:00.005-06:00

This morning I woke up at 6:44am. I didn't feel like going back to sleep so I decided to for a walk.

It was refreshing. There was fresh snow on the ground and the sun had not risen yet. I didn't know where I wanted to walk until I left the driveway and I ended up wandering the roads and highways west of town. The rural roads were still unplowed but the tire tracks provided a good path.
Pretty soon, the sun rose red and turned some of the surrounding clouds red, only for a little bit. The highway was becoming a bit slushy so I stuck to a range road and walked for about half an hour to 45 minutes without a vehicle passing by. I saw a deer sprint across the road in front of me and I also heard my first Robin this year. I also saw four Canada Geese flying but the big flocks still haven't arrived. Once I started heading back to town, the roads were really wet and sloppy and vehicles were spitting up all the slush as they drove by. Two people ended up stopping and asking if I wanted a ride, but I thanked them and said I was fine.
All in all, I was wandering on the roads for 3 and a half hours. By the time I got home, my arms felt limp and walking had become an unconscious movement. It's been a long time since I've walked for so long by myself. I thought I would have a lot to think about but really, I didn't think of much at all. My body felt sore and I think it was because of walking on the hard pavement.

My mind is pretty tired now too. I feel like I could walk anywhere though. :) It was fun, being by myself, walking along empty range roads and slushy highways. It was something different.

Rachel

Sit up on a mountain top

2009-03-27T23:12:00.005-06:00

All I feel like doing is hiking up a mountain and sitting on the top. Alone and waiting for Spring.
Is that sad? I think it sounds peaceful. Quiet.

The snow is starting to melt and get all slushy. More snow is coming, but the temperatures are now rising and staying around 0 to 5 degrees Celsius so I know the fresh snow will soon become slushy as well.

I'm tired but I don't want to go to bed.

My sister is leaving for Europe in a week. It's almost unbelievable because I remember about... 9 months ago? the idea was being presented and everything was unreal. Now she's really going. :) She better have fun and enjoy this! (Take pictures of everything- especially the Alps- for me! Of course you will. ;D ) She'll be gone during Spring Break. It sounds like I'll be at my Grandma's place, house-sitting while she's in Saskatchewan for Easter and getting my graduation portraits taken. I wanted to go to Vancouver for a few days but now I don't. I won't say why..
things are just changing.

And I'm just waiting for Nature to grow again. Spring will sure be welcomed with these arms opened wide.

rachel

I want to read books. Lots and lots of books...

Pull it together, man!

2009-03-20T09:23:00.002-06:00

I really shouldn't delete these things. They help me vent my feelings better than anything else so maybe I should just keep them around? So I'm just going to jump right back into blogging, 'kay.

Spring is definitely peeking around. The snow is melting and making a big, wet mess of things. But I was able to go running in shorts yesterday! It was a beautiful 13-15 C. (: Beautiful. Yeah, lately I've started running again for around 40 minutes a day. Except I don't think I'll be going today as I pulled my left calf muscle yesterday. -_- I really don't know how I do it, but I have a knack for pulling my leg muscles. I must have done it at least once or twice a month during Cross Country season, the worst of which was a week before the Provincial Championships. And now it seems that every time I try to get back into running, I pull something. Ridiculous, if you ask me!

New lens! I got it about two weeks ago, although I've only really used it once. My camera's sensor needs serious cleaning as dust litters all my photos with an aperture of around 8 and higher. I got a kit, so maybe I'll clean it this weekend.. although it's kind of a scary task. I don't want to ruin the sensor!

Lately, my moods have been jumping around like crazy. I'm not depressed like last year, but sometimes I get into these really low moods where I want to curl up and sleep (or die). Part of me thinks it's because I want to leave. Now. I don't want to wait around for school to end anymore. :/ Not to mention that Social class is possibly the worst, depressing class ever. All we seem to talk about is how we're heading to a global economic free-fall. I say let it come. Maybe it'll teach some idiots a lesson for printing so much money. Really, some people are unbelievable.

So there's an update on some stuff. I think I'll stop deleting blogs as I always seem to regret it sooner or later.

rachel